THE BATTLES ON!
yeah....no there isn't any battle....well cept for the one in my head! Well I should have known it would soon come.... I really should have... I have been cutting more....and craving other things really badly....and I have been depressed....and yeah....so as if it were a natural thing for me... I found myself sitting on my little bed thingy...and planning a suicide. I didn't even realize I was doing it for awhile...and then when I did realize that thats what I was doing...I stopped and just got really confused.... Part of me...was like NO WAY NO HOW AM I GONNA DO THAT! But then...there was a little voice inside my head that started asking me "why not", "whats the point", "life sucks", "the only reason you dont want to is because you dont want to hurt others"...."do it", "you will feel so much better", "get it over with before you change your mind"..... Yeah ok that sounds kinda psycho I know..... This is very serious for me... As I am typing the voice in my head is still rampling on and quite frankly I am typing so that I dont have to deal with that voice and hopefully it will go away.... I guess what I need is support.... but I dont want people telling me how to deal with this or what I should do and crap like that!....
Ok now that thats said.... I am kinda worried about the fact that I am starting to get suicidal again...but not at the same time.... Its really weird! But I remember the feeling...Before the program I attempted suicide....3 days before.... and I remember why.... yes I was depressed.... but mainly it was because of the voices.... ok just another clarification...I call it the voices...its my own voice...but it just seems like its a different me.... Its not me.... but it is me......Its really weird.... I'm not psycho though....just sounds like it.... anyways.... So I tried to kill myself because I wanted my mind to stop... I just wanted what was going on in my head to get away.... It was like I didn't have control over it...and the only way to get away from it was by killing myself.... That feelings starting to come back...and that really scaries me.... Because I know...deep down.....I dont want to kill myself....yeah sure sometimes I get the urge to cut...but thats not the same as killing myself...and besides I really dont want to hurt other people and put all that pain on them... Ok sooooooo you would think the fact that I dont want to die would stop me from not doing it....Well yeah but thats what I am afraid of.... I get really impulsive something sets me off...and I start thinking of suicide and then I just want to kill myself right then and there and I get it in my head and nothing is going to stop me. Its just like I said...its a battle in my brain....I got one side saying no dont do it...and then I got the other side saying yes do it.... I thought that battle was done with and I thought I won....but I guess it just had a time out....becuase its back...and I hate it.... GOD I HATE IT!
I mean can anyone understand what its like to be battling yourself! I mean seriously.... just sitting in a room by yourself and you are getting madder and madder and in your head you just want to strangle the life out of something and you want to pull your brain out and stomp it to death! Yeah ok probably not.... but thats how I feel....Its like I want to claw myself to death...I cant stand being in my body... I mean I really cant! I dont know whats wrong with me.... I cant stand this.... I feel like I am going crazy all over again.... and maybe part of it is lack of sleep.... I am not on anything.... so its not that.... All I know is that if I am starting to even get remote feelings of suicidalness coming back again...then thats really bad.... Because even if I dont want to do it... I know eventually I wont beable to fight back anymore and I will just give in... Yes I will be weak and I will take the easy way out! As always! God I hate me! No I hate a part of me.... I hate the part of me that I dont seem to have control of!!! I want it to go away! I want it to get away.... I want it to stop! Give me a gun and I swear I will pull the trigger...just to make it stop!
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Ok soooooo...just a quick bit about me....To maybe make this a little bit more understandable.
I am now 18 years old....
@ age 12.... thats when I realized that molestation...was not something done out of love... I got depressed and tried to kill myself.
@ age 13.... still depressed.... attempts to kill myself but never having to go to the hospital...oh and got kicked out of my school... 8th grade...i think...
@ age 14.... got put into a boarding school...started cutting...got put on prozac which made me violent....and got kicked out a month later.... then went to a mental ward for going all shit crazy on my parents...and about 5 days after I got out tried to kill myself again....
3 days after that I landed myself in lovely down town LaVerkin Utah...in a program called Cross Creek.... a lock down facility program for kids with problems from everything from.. just lying to big time heroin users.... Yeah I was there for 26 months..... Stopped the cutting for 9 of those months....and then in order to graduate I hid the fact that I started up again.... So I had three birthdays in there.... Got ride of the suicidal shit... and started liking life and liking myself... Yeah I was happy.... I got out March 2nd 2003. A year ago.
Did really good for awhile...had my ups and downs...cut a tiny bit...but nothing big.... Life was good....
Ok so about 4 or 5 months ago... I started getting depressed again... and my cuttings been getting bad....I do my best to keep in under somewhat control since I work and I dont want to get fired from my job.... I dropped out of college....I got kicked out of my parents house... they gave me a deadline...the 30th till I got to be out.... I did coke for the first time... my suicidal feelings are creeping back on me....
AND JUST OVERALL....I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY ALL FUCKING OVER AGAIN! and I dont know how to stop it!
Wow ok I am really sorry for the length....I dont know how to shorten it...or do that thingy that I have seen others do....so yeah....I am looking for anyone who can relate to me.... I just need to hear someone who knows what I am going through...No one seems to understand right now! I feel really alone!
Ok now that thats said.... I am kinda worried about the fact that I am starting to get suicidal again...but not at the same time.... Its really weird! But I remember the feeling...Before the program I attempted suicide....3 days before.... and I remember why.... yes I was depressed.... but mainly it was because of the voices.... ok just another clarification...I call it the voices...its my own voice...but it just seems like its a different me.... Its not me.... but it is me......Its really weird.... I'm not psycho though....just sounds like it.... anyways.... So I tried to kill myself because I wanted my mind to stop... I just wanted what was going on in my head to get away.... It was like I didn't have control over it...and the only way to get away from it was by killing myself.... That feelings starting to come back...and that really scaries me.... Because I know...deep down.....I dont want to kill myself....yeah sure sometimes I get the urge to cut...but thats not the same as killing myself...and besides I really dont want to hurt other people and put all that pain on them... Ok sooooooo you would think the fact that I dont want to die would stop me from not doing it....Well yeah but thats what I am afraid of.... I get really impulsive something sets me off...and I start thinking of suicide and then I just want to kill myself right then and there and I get it in my head and nothing is going to stop me. Its just like I said...its a battle in my brain....I got one side saying no dont do it...and then I got the other side saying yes do it.... I thought that battle was done with and I thought I won....but I guess it just had a time out....becuase its back...and I hate it.... GOD I HATE IT!
I mean can anyone understand what its like to be battling yourself! I mean seriously.... just sitting in a room by yourself and you are getting madder and madder and in your head you just want to strangle the life out of something and you want to pull your brain out and stomp it to death! Yeah ok probably not.... but thats how I feel....Its like I want to claw myself to death...I cant stand being in my body... I mean I really cant! I dont know whats wrong with me.... I cant stand this.... I feel like I am going crazy all over again.... and maybe part of it is lack of sleep.... I am not on anything.... so its not that.... All I know is that if I am starting to even get remote feelings of suicidalness coming back again...then thats really bad.... Because even if I dont want to do it... I know eventually I wont beable to fight back anymore and I will just give in... Yes I will be weak and I will take the easy way out! As always! God I hate me! No I hate a part of me.... I hate the part of me that I dont seem to have control of!!! I want it to go away! I want it to get away.... I want it to stop! Give me a gun and I swear I will pull the trigger...just to make it stop!
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ok soooooo...just a quick bit about me....To maybe make this a little bit more understandable.
I am now 18 years old....
@ age 12.... thats when I realized that molestation...was not something done out of love... I got depressed and tried to kill myself.
@ age 13.... still depressed.... attempts to kill myself but never having to go to the hospital...oh and got kicked out of my school... 8th grade...i think...
@ age 14.... got put into a boarding school...started cutting...got put on prozac which made me violent....and got kicked out a month later.... then went to a mental ward for going all shit crazy on my parents...and about 5 days after I got out tried to kill myself again....
3 days after that I landed myself in lovely down town LaVerkin Utah...in a program called Cross Creek.... a lock down facility program for kids with problems from everything from.. just lying to big time heroin users.... Yeah I was there for 26 months..... Stopped the cutting for 9 of those months....and then in order to graduate I hid the fact that I started up again.... So I had three birthdays in there.... Got ride of the suicidal shit... and started liking life and liking myself... Yeah I was happy.... I got out March 2nd 2003. A year ago.
Did really good for awhile...had my ups and downs...cut a tiny bit...but nothing big.... Life was good....
Ok so about 4 or 5 months ago... I started getting depressed again... and my cuttings been getting bad....I do my best to keep in under somewhat control since I work and I dont want to get fired from my job.... I dropped out of college....I got kicked out of my parents house... they gave me a deadline...the 30th till I got to be out.... I did coke for the first time... my suicidal feelings are creeping back on me....
AND JUST OVERALL....I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY ALL FUCKING OVER AGAIN! and I dont know how to stop it!
Wow ok I am really sorry for the length....I dont know how to shorten it...or do that thingy that I have seen others do....so yeah....I am looking for anyone who can relate to me.... I just need to hear someone who knows what I am going through...No one seems to understand right now! I feel really alone!