I hate my life!!!!

[not_a_bad_girl]

Well... talked to Brady.... We aren't going to see each other anymore. I am sitting here trying to hold back the tears and shit...ummm...not working very well.... I hate fucking crying...and what makes it fucking worst is that its my fucking fault...God dammit I hate myself! Shit I am such a fuck up! I really liked this guy alot! Dammit! A fucking lot! And I fucked it all up... I fucking fucked it up and god dammit I am so fucking pissed off at myself! I cant be mad at him...he has the fucking right to tell me to fuck off! Shit if it were me in his shoes I would say the same damn thing... actually he didn't say that...he was really nice about it and calm....but in my head I was just saying how much of an idiot I was... And dammit.... fuck fuck fuck! I cant believe it... I cant believe I was sooooooooooo fucking stupid! What the fuck was I thinking...was I thinking...I dont think I was thinking... Dammit! Screw it all! Fuck it! Fuck it all...Oh damn...my good day has just turned into the worst night. So...ummm...now do I call him an ex....even though it was official...or what...Well thats something to think about.... ahhh...who gives a shit.... Ok this is how my brain works... first...I cry...out anger at my self mostly... then after about a minute of that...I start to get pissed....then around this time... I start to just not give a shit...even though I really do give a shit...but I will walk around pretending that I dont...and pretending that its not hurting me.... When it really is... and shit.... crying again...dammit...did I mention I hate crying...Hate it with a fucking passion because then I think I am weak... and I guess I am weak...dammit! Fuck! Every fucking time... I start to feel something for someone and I know they are feeling it back...I have to fuck it up...every fucking time...or if I dont fuck it up something out of my control happens to fuck it up for me... Why the fuck to I even bother...me or my universe eventually will fuck it all up anyway so I dont see the point... I need a fucking punching bag.... shit hell if I could hang myself up I would punch myself...but I dont think that would work to well....but shit... I really wish I knew someone who would beat the crap out of me...cuz I feel the need to be beaten severly.... Yeah sure it would hurt like hell but shit physical pain...I can handle...emotional pain...is where I crumble! I cant pick myself up with emotional pain..I have to add physical pain in order to somewhat feel ok....so where the fuck is my god damn knife....wait I dont use knives.... ok where the fuck is my safty pin....hahaha safty...thats funny...ummm...Shit cant do it on my god damn arms because of fucking work....dont want to lose that too.... shit shit shit.... Damn where where where.... Ok time to stop....no I will not....I will not do it.... shit who am I kidding the only reason I am not doing it this very moment is because I am typing on the computer but as soon as I am done typing I will go get some form of a sharp object and begin my escape from it all..... Part of me doesn't want to stop typing now... Ok that parts over.... Yeah ok...done typing now....

Wow not even gonna bother to look back over what I just wrote...I dont think i will remember it tomorrow... Thats usually how it goes with me...when I write something and its all in the moment...and I call it my crazy writing....I usually wont remember what I wrote...I'll remember why but not the what... and then I just end up thinking I am crazy...which yes I probably am...at least right now I feel crazy... Shit! Time to go...I need something!