"I sell souls by the side of the road..."
I come down like a hurricane sucked up inside
Now I spit out the suffer, yeah.
You say you want a revelation,
Well, revel in this my lover.
You're free at liberty is this what you want?
Sometimes I wonder:
There's a highway to, to the edge, yeah
Once a night you will drive yourself there
At the end of the road you will find the answer
At the end of the road you will drink the fear
I come down like a bloody rain cuts up flesh sky,
Pulse beating under, yeah
Meat petals bloom in a bone garden
Ain't no god, no ghost gonna save you now
I sell souls at the side of the road
Would you like to take a number?
Take your time, come on, get what you come for don't
waste my time, come on, get what you come for
I watched you burn in the eye of my sun, in the eye of my sun,
I fucked you in, in the eye of my sun, in the eye of my sun,
Yeah yeah...
Just living my life.
There's nothing new. Only new things to submit to paper, or to my computer.
I just got my computer back up and running. No, my computer wasn't broken, it was just flawed to the point that I didn't want to use it anymore. Only now do I have a sound card, and speakers, and even still I'm in the process of cramming my computer full of discographies of bands that I've been craving. I have the basics back, and thus, my motivation to write has returned, kind of. In all honesty, I'm never really motivated to be on my computer any more. I'd rather be living my life.
I have a new job.
I worked at Value Village from September 12 2006, until September 28 2007. I gave my two weeks notice on September 15th, as was my goal.
I work at Rona, now. I get paid more to do less. Not much more. By my calculations, I'm actually only making about 6 bucks more per weekday shift than I normally would, and that also accounts to the fact that I start earlier (though I do end earlier, too, I guess). I'm a cashier. Actually a cashier this time, I'm not running around cleaning up everyone's shit and doing a million more jobs than I was hired to do. I won't tell the people I work for now, cause it'll make me look bad, but, god, do I ever feel like Value Village fucked me over. If I ever foresaw myself tagging dirty children's clothes in a back room by myself for hours at a time, or cutting up cardboard slats in a back alley, I never would have allowed myself to be hired on as an employee there. I was one of the best they had though, but I'm sure as hell glad to be out of there before Halloween. I'll miss the discounts. Rona is fun. I find it ironic and entertaining telling people that I work at a hardware store. It doesn't really make sense. I'm also the only one there with more than one facial piercing, and no one else even has a hint of off-colored hair. In fact, the other girls coifs are always perfectly in place, their subtle makeup never smudged or out of line. I also doubt any of the worry about smelling of weed when they walk through the automatic doors to assume their positions at their tills. In short, I don't fit in, but everyone is pleasant and I assume it'll only take a short time before I'm on the in of work place gossip. As soon as I learn the names, I'm sure it'll be offered to me to drag them through the dirt.
I've been going to school, and actually going to school. I have missed only 5 classes of my allowed 60 this year so far. Aside form a slip up or two I've been making sure to get all of my work done with quality. I'm taking English and Composition AP 12, Literature AP 12, Geography 12, Comparative Civilizations 12, Art Foundations 12 and I am student aiding for the Writing 12 class I took last year. This years group of writers is far less talented than the last and it almost disappoints me. But it's an easy thing to do, to student aide, and I don't have to worry about the assignments the class is given adding on to my homework load. Their assignments are all optional to me, I only have to catalog what I've been doing in the class in a weekly journal, and teach every once in a while. It's fun to be able top start debates about societal issues in a writing class. Anyways, because of my workload, I have to concentrate really hard this year. It's also of utmost importance that I maintain honor roll this year. Looks good on a transcript, helps with scholarships. And I need scholarships. Saving up for Blanche MacDonald has been nerve wracking, and student loans are definitely on my horizon, I just want to make them as small as possible. I also have to come up with a portfolio in order to get some of the scholarships I have my eye on. Meanwhile, I still have no idea how to apply to the damn school, how many days a week I'd be going, how to fund getting there, etc, etc, etc. I still don't know if I even want to take a year off, or how to manage doing all the required things to graduate, but it's a stressful work in progress.
I have a ridiculous need and desire to travel. Disneyland is half a year or so away (alone with my birthday, upcoming graduation and a promise of many new tattoos to come) and I'm too impatient for that. So, I want to get to Seattle as much and as frequently as possible for the music scene. I went down there for Leftover Crack with Toxic Narcotic and Millions of Dead Cops for a phenomenal show with phenomenal people. Mike, Christoph, Jonny, Rhe and myself occupied Mike's car, and we met dozens of other Vancouverites down there including Tyler, Alaina, Jess, Andrew, Braden, Zebulon, Scotty Toss, and so on. Driving down there was fun - lot's of punk rock and other good tunes on the way down, with Mike and Christoph's mohawks - unable to be accommodated by the low roof - sticking through the sun roof. Dozens of kids got drunk and sang along to acoustic guitars and the rumble of the bass as we waited for the show to start. With a good amount of Jager slurring in my belly with a solemn mash of poorly cooked fast food and bad Seattle bud, I peed in several back alleys and rocked my ass off at a good show with cheap merchandise, scoring myself a t-shirt (sort of short, I was drunk when I bought it) and some patches which I will stitch to my favorite Vancouver hoodie in due time. After the show, a good dozen of us searched with no avail for a decent hotel room. Instead, we ended up at 55 dollar a night shit box. Half or more of our group pissed off to sleep somewhere more sanitary, but at 2 in the AM I wasn't about to complain. When we pulled up to the place, the guy at the window told us there was no vacancy, but when we mentioned that the flickering neon sign stated otherwise, he told us, "Oh yea. There is one room left, but the maid forgot to clean it." Scary, eh? So, this guy knocks a couple bucks off of our fare, probably an under the table money transaction in the end. When we walk in, it's not hard to notice the smell the heater has left in the room. The beds are unmade and the brown carpet carries a sort of musk with it. There is a single armchair against the wall with a mysterious wet stain on the cushion. I fear flipping it over, in case I find a bigger or stranger one on the other side. The chair at the desk is crusted with brown goo and there is a bloodstain on the bathroom floor. The toilet seat has been left up, the bathroom tap is dripping. There's a strange hatch in the wall that leads in about three feet to a broken screen and a chain link fence in what I assume is that back of the motel. It scares me so I shut it, but it has not lock. The TV remote doesn't work, but the TV does. The tenants of the Rapist Inn include myself, Christoph, Jonny and Mike - the contents of our car, minus Rhe, who was disgusted (with good reason). We went for Jack in Box at 3am, driving around for a good chunk of time before we found one, ate our greasy American fast food, and passed out with the two broken single beds smushed together. I didn't want to sleep on the rank floor, so I slept on the crack of the two beds, falling through, with Mike and Christoph to one side of me, Jonny to the other, surrounded by a chorus of different snores on all sides. I was the last to fall asleep, first to wake up. In the morning, we took our time, smoked our bunk Seattle weed, and made for the Sci-Fi and Rock and Roll History museums which was a grand ole time. I enjoyed my trip quite thoroughly and found myself unfortunately home by 8 the next night, only to come face to face with the same argument I left with.
Which leads me to my next topic - arguments.
They are the most foul, yet unavoidable thing in the world sometimes. I hate arguing. Especially with people I care about, which is why this topic is going to be extremely vague and jump all over the place, because I never know what to say anymore. I love Jeremie. I love being with Jeremie. Life has been kind of strenuous lately with me going to school and working part time and doing my own thing as well as with him working full time and having things to do, himself. I think we're very similar people who have similar goals and similar things to strive towards. He has brought to my attention more than I usually acknowledge that yes, we are in fact, in different places in our lives. Where we differ is that I'm constantly thinking about my future. I look forward to it with excitement and I envision it in an idealistic sense, not in a realistic one. I don't have a plan but I have a vision. He thinks only about the present. We are both in a state of waiting. I'm waiting for that transition between now and then. I'm constantly in need of change. I get bored very easily. I don't want to keep getting bored of aspects of my life, and I also hate routine. Those last few lines aren't in reference to Jeremie or my relationship with him. They are purely in reference to myself and my frustration with myself. I don't know what it is I'm waiting for to change. I don't know what it is I want to change. I feel very strange lately. Strange, emotionally drained, argumentative, sexually frustrated, etc., etc. etc. I don't know where everything took this shift, but I don't like it very much and I'm waiting for this period, this phase to end so I can get on with it and find myself in a happier position in my life. I don't really know what to think or do right now so I'm taking things in stride.
I think that's about enough for today.
KDMG.