"Don't linger where the moss slowly grows..."
And so another journey has come to an end
Another moment passed that will not, will not come again
Resting in the shade of oak so it has always been
And it's true that I miss you, but I'll see you again
I'll see you again
Embrace, destroy this pain
Don't miss this chance
It will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows
There are so many things I wish I could have said
They might not have changed your mind
But sometimes we just need oval edge
Above the mountain's shadow, the sunset dimly glows
The oaks will look down on our heads, forever, and dreams will be no more
We should not ever let them go
Embrace, destroy this pain
Don't miss this chance
It will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows
I remember those summers, stretched on without end
Future comes on loudly and the oaks, the oaks were silent then
Silence forever, conversations in my head
Might not have changed your mind
But if we'd spoken, here's what I'd have said
Here's what I would have said
Embrace, destroy this pain
Don't miss this chance
It will not come again
You mean more than you may ever know
Don't linger where the moss slowly grows
So. Yesterday I was on the bus, coming back from the beach. I had been complaining all day about the severe lack of body modifcation at White Pine, and I was longing for some tattoos or piercings to cross my vision. Looking out the window of the bus, I saw a tattoo'd arm sticking out a car window, and a ridiculous familiarity and pain struck me. Not five feet away, but behind a sheet of glass was JP. It hurt, a lot, to see him. Where normally I would have smacked myself against the bus to get his attention, I sat quietly, contemplatively, missing him.
He's been haunting me. Only the day before, I was listening to music in my room with Jeremie, and he kept putting on songs that JP sent me. I was smiling, and I pointed this out to Jeremie and I said that JP always surprised me with his musical tastes. Then, still smiling, I said that if he ever decides to talk to me again, I'll be waiting. It was crushing to hear Jeremie say, "Don't get your hopes up." My eyes watered up and I was so hurt. But I know Jeremie meant not to keep on the edge of my seat hoping cause he wouldn't want to see me disappointed.
But this morning, I went on to my computer, and right there on Nexopia, was a message from him. I almost had a heart attack. It was Deja Vu... Nick had sent me a message a long while back when I never thought he'd talk to me again, either. But I don't want it to turn out the same - after I spent hours thinking of what to say to Nick, he never responded again. But this has to be different, cause JP is one of the most important people in the entire world to me, and I love him more than life itself. I can't fuck this up. I haven't responded yet. I don't know how. All the message said was, "So, are you done being dumb?"
I don't know what that means. Am I done drinking? Am I done smoking weed? Am I done with Jeremie? Am I done with what? I don't know how to respond, cause I don't know what I did to deserve losing him in the first place. And I don't know what made him send me this message at all. Clearly he wants to talk to me, but was his not talking to me just to teach me a lesson until he thought I'd learned? I don't want to be dicked with, but I want him in my life. To this day I still haven't stopped calling him my best friend. I always want to call him and invite him to movies, or to outtings in general, or on my break at work, but I've fought the urge. I miss him, I really do, but it's only gonna hurt ten times as bad if we become friends again and he decides only a few weeks or months later that he's sick of me again. I don't want a vicious circle, I just want JP back. He's infectious, and I miss him. If anyone ever bad mouths him all I feel is rage, and I'm the first to jump to his defense. They're not allowed to say shit - they don't know shit, so they can't say it. Even the assholes who have said "If he could just stop talking to you like that then he doesn't deserve to be your friend" get no recognition from me. They don't know JP and they don't know his motives. All they see is how hurt I am and they think it's a comfort to me to badmouth the person who hurt me. But I am not one of those preppy fifteen year old girls who gets over a breakup by bashing someone they used to care about and then sleeping with all of his friends. There will never come the day when I drag JP's name through the dirt. He doesn't do what he does cause he is angry, sad, jealous or confused, he does what he does because he's just JP, and for no other reason. He can be a bit fucked up, but so can I, and that fits nicely as far as I'm concerned.
I have so much to tell him...
I can't wait to see him again, if that's what he wants.
Kara.