"Live a life less ordinary, live a life extraordinary..."
I haven't had the motivation to write anything in ages. In fact, I straight up hates computers. They are the bringers of bad news at night time just before you go to sleep, and they make you want to smack your head on things for ever going on them in the first place. On the other hand, they are the bringers of information, fun conversations, and
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"If you ever want me in your life again, I'll abandon everything I'm doing to be by your side, just like I always have. That's not fair to you or me, but I know I'd do it for you."
Uhhhh... You do know that this statement can get you into a lot of trouble. Not WITH anyone, but just saying it means you're putting yourself in a spiritual-binding contract. You say shit like this, and of course he's going to take you up on that offer. If I wanted to make someone to feel like shit and have them to myself at the same time, I'd load up that shit you just typed and point it at their fucking face.
I once knew an old ska boss... He told me lots of things. But he also told me, when I was in a situation, much like this, something that helped...
"Only you have the power to create who you are, don't let anyone else have that power."
Sounds lame, and canned, and it's probably from something he heard once, but that's because he was drunk and high at the same time.
But it helps.
Listening to certain songs hurts? Seeing certain pictures hurts?
You're entitled to be hurt... But girlie...
Don't let anyone have that much fucking control over you. You're better than that.
I never met the kid. But I met you. And for that I'm fuckin' thankful. I know shit's been tought 'tween you and me lately, but dudette, you seriously are the raddest fucking person I've ever met. Still.
Strippers, pornstars, rockstars, gutterpunks, gangsters, ska-bosses, Kings-Amonst-Men, hitmen, sluts, travellers, people who are convinced they are God, people convinced they are Death, zombies, aliens, ghosts...
You win.
And you know what?
It's not because of some chump bein' around.
I'm not going to tell you what to do, I'm not going to say what I think you should do, you're going to do what you're going to do regardless of what I say, but still:
Know that you are who you are, no matter who agrees with your actions and motives, or disagrees with them. I don't know you super-super well, but I know you well enough to know that you're a fuckin' responsible, intelligent and innocent (to the borders of "playful"). Your actions and emotions are that of a fucking beautiful example of a human being.
You. Don't. Fucking. Need. Anyone. In. This. Life. But. Yourself.
Especially fucking you.
You're set kiddo. It's all up-up-up from here.
Sure what's-his-bucket might have helped you learn a few tricks to living and loving. But Masters always leave their Shaolin/Jedi apprentices/Padawans to surpass them. Even if it's on a shitty note...
Now is your chance to outshine.
Be thankful that he entered your life. Be happy you had what you had, and nobody else, ever, now, whenever, here, or anywhere, will have experienced what you had. It was unique in every way. Remember the good times. Remember the bad, and learn from them. Learn to never be hurt that way again.
Don't give him the ammunition he needs to bring you down.
(My post is too long, so I'll do two to shut LiveJournal the fuck up...)
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"I will do anything for you. Anything."
Know your fucking limits, hun. You better know what you're saying here whether you're meaning it that way or not. You KNOW how he is. I don't. But from my understanding and what I've heard, we both know what he'll do in this situation in order to put the fucking shock-collar on you again. That is, if he feels like it.
This whole thing might blow over.
It might not.
But none of that matters.
What matters is tomorrow the sun will rise, and the wind will blow, and trees will grow, and no matter when you go, you will find love.
And if you don't, love will find you.
You got a lot of good things going for you right now babe. It'd be a fuckin' shame to see it all go to waste to give some sick fuck's twisted, sadistic ego an orgasm. You're not really lucky, you're blessed. Luck comes to those who don't earn what they have. You deserve the best and every little good thing that comes your way. And you don't deserve the big things, they're your fucking God-given right to take.
Don't fret.
You're too colourful and shiny with all those fuckin' abnormal colours and hunks of metal in your face to be upset. If you frown just once, the weight of all said scrap-metal might put you into a permanent frown!
I've never seen an upside-down rainbow.
Don't change that for me.
I don't know if you've ever read my poetry. I'm published here and there, but nowhere you'd ever see it... But I think I should leave you with the simplest poem I've ever written. I'm sure you've read it before. But it's nice to have a little reminder...
"What could have been.
What will never be.
Not ours to have.
Not ours to see.
Never say never, always allow whatever.
Always alive, forever free.
Live.
Love.
Shitkick, and shove.
Chains with locks,
Cement and big rocks.
Whatever blocks...
Me from you,
You from me.
You from you,
And me from me.
Live.
Love.
Forever free."
Take care my dear.
The world turns for thee.
Keep smiling. Don't let the weight of all that shit you put in your face win.
Live. Love. (Yourself.)
- Christoph
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