Kingdom of Heaven
What I learned from this film is that Jerusalem should belong to no one, and if that proves impractical we should nuke it. Then everyone would get along splendidly. Anyway, bearing in mind it's like four or five years since I did any mediaeval history:
- Even not knowing the Facts, I am prepared to guess that they completely invented the bit where the Queen of Jerusalem goes to live in France as the wife of a blacksmith. It's just so implausible that it would fuck up even a very good film. However, the fact that they get together (which is probably also A Lie, like how Braveheart claims that William Wallace was the father of Edward III) makes the Crusades okay.
- You get no sense from the film that anyone was actually wrong to have a massive holy war over a bit of the Middle East.
- I know people argue about the pre-Israel population of Jews in the region, but most agree that there were Some. Especially in places that are centres of the oldest of the Abrahamic Trilogy. We see none in this film, but they get mentioned twice. So basically they all get killed as the two spin-offs try to out-do each other at violence. Sadly this may actually be Historically True. Though I seem to remember there being quite a few Jewish sources on the era so maybe not?
- Templars? Evil, apparently. And unholy. Also oddly enough they can marry in this film despite being ordained as priests and thus in the Western tradition celibate. Yes, a number of mediaeval Popes had children, but it wasn't an offically okay thing for your normal priestly types to do.
- Everyone in the Middle Ages (other than the Templars) was a cosmopolitan socialist. I am fairly sure that this also is Inaccurate.
- There's a bit where a French blacksmith teaches the Arabs how to irrigate. Given that irrigation has been around in that region since at least the Egyptians (at which point we're well outside my period so I have no idea when it was invented in the first place) and that water falls from the sky in Europe, I feel fairly sure that this is Unlikely. Plus I seem to remember mediaeval Arabs being the ones with the best science at the time.
- I'm not sure about the intended modern geopolitical comment, but it came across like if Jerusalem was in Arab hands, Everything Would Be Fine. Since of course there is nothing else whatsoever that the Big Three Monotheisms could possibly find to argue about. Let's ignore that they still managed to have a lot of bloodshed.
- It also gives the impression that Christians don't actually believe in their own religion. They just sort of make it up as they go along and routinely ignore anything organised religion tells them. Meanwhile the Muslims in the film pray a lot but don't seem to make much distinction between their own faith and the heretical beliefs of the other ones.
- Also Orlando Bloom is way out of his depth.
On the plus side it has Julian Bashir in it. Though without Miles is there really any point?
- Even not knowing the Facts, I am prepared to guess that they completely invented the bit where the Queen of Jerusalem goes to live in France as the wife of a blacksmith. It's just so implausible that it would fuck up even a very good film. However, the fact that they get together (which is probably also A Lie, like how Braveheart claims that William Wallace was the father of Edward III) makes the Crusades okay.
- You get no sense from the film that anyone was actually wrong to have a massive holy war over a bit of the Middle East.
- I know people argue about the pre-Israel population of Jews in the region, but most agree that there were Some. Especially in places that are centres of the oldest of the Abrahamic Trilogy. We see none in this film, but they get mentioned twice. So basically they all get killed as the two spin-offs try to out-do each other at violence. Sadly this may actually be Historically True. Though I seem to remember there being quite a few Jewish sources on the era so maybe not?
- Templars? Evil, apparently. And unholy. Also oddly enough they can marry in this film despite being ordained as priests and thus in the Western tradition celibate. Yes, a number of mediaeval Popes had children, but it wasn't an offically okay thing for your normal priestly types to do.
- Everyone in the Middle Ages (other than the Templars) was a cosmopolitan socialist. I am fairly sure that this also is Inaccurate.
- There's a bit where a French blacksmith teaches the Arabs how to irrigate. Given that irrigation has been around in that region since at least the Egyptians (at which point we're well outside my period so I have no idea when it was invented in the first place) and that water falls from the sky in Europe, I feel fairly sure that this is Unlikely. Plus I seem to remember mediaeval Arabs being the ones with the best science at the time.
- I'm not sure about the intended modern geopolitical comment, but it came across like if Jerusalem was in Arab hands, Everything Would Be Fine. Since of course there is nothing else whatsoever that the Big Three Monotheisms could possibly find to argue about. Let's ignore that they still managed to have a lot of bloodshed.
- It also gives the impression that Christians don't actually believe in their own religion. They just sort of make it up as they go along and routinely ignore anything organised religion tells them. Meanwhile the Muslims in the film pray a lot but don't seem to make much distinction between their own faith and the heretical beliefs of the other ones.
- Also Orlando Bloom is way out of his depth.
On the plus side it has Julian Bashir in it. Though without Miles is there really any point?