When Weather ATTACKS
The Day After Tomorrow: A Review
I have been wanting to see this film for ages. It is the most amazing film in the entire universe ever. Basically, Americans get killed by the Earth itself. Join their struggle as they fight back to win... The War On Terra.
The premise of this film is that because we have fucked the planet right good, Mother Nature decides to make sweet love back in her own bitch-smacking way. REMEMBER: Earth is a heartless whore of a mother, a cradle steeped in filth, volcanoes, and wolves.
This film is astonishingly like that other classic of the genre Independence Day and thus like War of the Worlds (2005) and Stargate. We begin as a genius academic is rejected for being right about things, which in this case is on the nature of Mother Nature's whoring ways. But even he is SHOCKED as the weather starts to attack by:
- killing the Japanese with big hailstones
- freezing Scottish people to death
- throwing big storms at America
Scotland is chosen for special attention, since it has uniquely polluted the world with its huge population and The Proclaimers. And we do have cars about the size of American ones, although we call them "buses" over here. Temperatures plummet to eight million below and people FREEZE INSTANTLY. Also, the entire Royal Family are killed and WE DON'T GET TO SEE IT. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT THEN, EH? The black guy dies. So does everyone else, but he was DOOMED because the first line he said was about his baby. Stupid fuckin' moron! That's almost as bad as talking about the girl you're going to marry once this dashed war is over and you're back in Blighty safe and sound!
Meanwhile in America, Indiana Jones a paleoclimatologist (a field known for being full of hearty manly men) flails helplessly as LA is eaten by tornadoes. Big motherfuckers of swirling air. So he walks from Washington to New York. I have no idea how far that is, other than that I believe New York is about the size of France? He walks anyway, in the snow. And his son fights wolves in a Russian freighter what is parked outside a public library in New York. The kid and some people don't die, even though two of them are black. The black homeless guy DOES NOT DIE. Probably his dog saved him, and the other non-white person was under 18 which means you get to live in these sorts of films.
Mexico kindly opens its borders to flood of grateful Americans, and as the storm of death passes, the Third World takes in a bunch of refugees. There's a bit where the US President cancels Latin American debt to get people into Mexico and I reckon that if I were El Presidente of any of those places I'd have said "Your country is a huge fucking snowball. How, exactly, were you planning to get this money off us anyway? Hmm, we'd better sieze all your international holdings until you have a recognised seat of government and maybe some territory of your own."
The final line of the film is supposed to be "uplifting" as an astronaut asks his comrade "Have you ever seen the sky so clear?" Which totally makes up for all the mass death. Also, lots of people implausibly appear at the end, having somehow not died. This is only slightly less insane than the concept of evacuating the southern half of the United States. Into Mexico.
Everyone gets terribly upset about the loss of Western Civilisation, even though the Middle East and Australia seem to be fine and there was probably a mild unseasonable chill in Ethiopia. Srsly, yo, they have books there. They are not always in English, but I promise you they have books. What with non-Europeans having invented paper and all. No one bothered to mention this, though, leaving the disturbing impression that the top half of the planet is where stuff happens and the other half is basically just a promised land waiting to be delivered to us by the charming yet stupid natives who have no culture or knowledge and are happy to give us their land so that we can rebuild and fuck them over again.
It was a FUCKING BRILLIANT film and I recommend it to all fans of big loud films with weather in them, and to people who like films about how awesome Euro-Americans are.
I have been wanting to see this film for ages. It is the most amazing film in the entire universe ever. Basically, Americans get killed by the Earth itself. Join their struggle as they fight back to win... The War On Terra.
The premise of this film is that because we have fucked the planet right good, Mother Nature decides to make sweet love back in her own bitch-smacking way. REMEMBER: Earth is a heartless whore of a mother, a cradle steeped in filth, volcanoes, and wolves.
This film is astonishingly like that other classic of the genre Independence Day and thus like War of the Worlds (2005) and Stargate. We begin as a genius academic is rejected for being right about things, which in this case is on the nature of Mother Nature's whoring ways. But even he is SHOCKED as the weather starts to attack by:
- killing the Japanese with big hailstones
- freezing Scottish people to death
- throwing big storms at America
Scotland is chosen for special attention, since it has uniquely polluted the world with its huge population and The Proclaimers. And we do have cars about the size of American ones, although we call them "buses" over here. Temperatures plummet to eight million below and people FREEZE INSTANTLY. Also, the entire Royal Family are killed and WE DON'T GET TO SEE IT. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT THEN, EH? The black guy dies. So does everyone else, but he was DOOMED because the first line he said was about his baby. Stupid fuckin' moron! That's almost as bad as talking about the girl you're going to marry once this dashed war is over and you're back in Blighty safe and sound!
Meanwhile in America, Indiana Jones a paleoclimatologist (a field known for being full of hearty manly men) flails helplessly as LA is eaten by tornadoes. Big motherfuckers of swirling air. So he walks from Washington to New York. I have no idea how far that is, other than that I believe New York is about the size of France? He walks anyway, in the snow. And his son fights wolves in a Russian freighter what is parked outside a public library in New York. The kid and some people don't die, even though two of them are black. The black homeless guy DOES NOT DIE. Probably his dog saved him, and the other non-white person was under 18 which means you get to live in these sorts of films.
Mexico kindly opens its borders to flood of grateful Americans, and as the storm of death passes, the Third World takes in a bunch of refugees. There's a bit where the US President cancels Latin American debt to get people into Mexico and I reckon that if I were El Presidente of any of those places I'd have said "Your country is a huge fucking snowball. How, exactly, were you planning to get this money off us anyway? Hmm, we'd better sieze all your international holdings until you have a recognised seat of government and maybe some territory of your own."
The final line of the film is supposed to be "uplifting" as an astronaut asks his comrade "Have you ever seen the sky so clear?" Which totally makes up for all the mass death. Also, lots of people implausibly appear at the end, having somehow not died. This is only slightly less insane than the concept of evacuating the southern half of the United States. Into Mexico.
Everyone gets terribly upset about the loss of Western Civilisation, even though the Middle East and Australia seem to be fine and there was probably a mild unseasonable chill in Ethiopia. Srsly, yo, they have books there. They are not always in English, but I promise you they have books. What with non-Europeans having invented paper and all. No one bothered to mention this, though, leaving the disturbing impression that the top half of the planet is where stuff happens and the other half is basically just a promised land waiting to be delivered to us by the charming yet stupid natives who have no culture or knowledge and are happy to give us their land so that we can rebuild and fuck them over again.
It was a FUCKING BRILLIANT film and I recommend it to all fans of big loud films with weather in them, and to people who like films about how awesome Euro-Americans are.