Torchwood: Screencap Recap
This week's Crotchwoot recap is, like the episode itself, spoilery for the last few eps of DW S2. I assume no one would be reading this without having seen that, but on just the off-chance I felt I should mention it.
Poor Ianto. He is left out as the rest of Team Torchwood play basketball. Ianto is the unloved one who runs like a girl and throws like one-eyed monkey. Poor, sad Ianto. I wonder what Dark Angsty Depths he has.
The others all go out without him, dressed as goths. This is so as to broadcast their Deep Angsty Darkness to anyone who might see them, cos the chicks go mad for that crap. They hate Ianto, don't they? Why do they hate him so? Is it just because he makes the tea?
Luckily, Ianto has a girlfriend. In the basement. She's a cyborg. ...stop judging their love, you! The music's nice in this bit. Less nice is the way she's been dressed up as some sort of sexbot. Do all Cybermen have cyberbras on underneath their cyberclothes? I mean, to be purely practical about it, what's the point of tits if you're a Cyberman? They're for feeding babies, so you'd think they'd just chop those off and replace them with some sort of... technology... stuff. But how thoughtful of them to start the conversion by tastefully covering just enough of her reproductive parts to be decent. Who knew the Cybermen were so considerate? (This would be the place to echo by only vaguely related agreement with whoever said that Time Lords can't be asexual because why does Romana have breasts?)
The Ianto/Cyberman love that includes kissing. I really hope that's the limit of their physical intimacy. Because she's a frickin' robot.
We are treated to an in no way gratuitous shot of her cybertits.
And of her cybercrotch. Ianto has brought in some bloke from Japan to fix his girlfriend, CyberLisa, who was half-converted during that episode of Doctor Who where Rose fell into a swirly thing and Ten ripped Martha's brains out. Ianto wants to cure her. It's a shame the Doctor isn't here to... well, he'd apologise to her and then euthanise her, wouldn't he? That's what he does with Cybermen. Anyway, the Cybermen finally get some Emotional Significance by giving us the obvious of a cyberconverted loved one. This works better than it did in That One Where Mickey Left Rose For A Man, partly because we get some more horror from the half-converted look and partly because there isn't a spare Lisa lying around to replace this one.
Sadly, CyberLisa is still evil, and kills the Japanese bloke who earlier so lovingly caressed her cybertits. That's gratitude for you. I don't know why she's evil. I have to assume there's something in her brain, since there's not much room in the cyberbra.
"No, babes, don't kill people. It's bad. You make me so angsty and despairing." What is it with this 'verse and people loving things that can't love them back the way they want them to? Cyborgs, paving slabs, severed hands, immortal aliens, shopgirls, bitchy trampolines and French courtesans... it's all a bit depressing when you think about it. But you'd make a fortune with a dating agency. Match people up by mortality and emotional capacity and mobility levels and likelihood of wanting to get a mortgage. Then we could get a nice happy story sometime!
"It's my fault!" he cries. No, Ianto! It's the Cybermen's fault! Wait... they wouldn't have been there were it not for Torchwood. And there'd be no Torchwood if Rose hadn't pissed off Queen Victoria. And she was only there because of the Doctor. And he only met her because he blew up his planet. And that's because of the Daleks. And he could of stopped them. So blame Sarah Jane Smith for not being able to convince Four to off the fuckers when he had the chance. Though Nine might still have met Rose or had that adventure with someone else, so it's all because he left home. Blame the parents. Yeah. Ianto's girlfriend is evil because the Doctor's mother didn't breastfeed him properly. Because Nestle have a branch on Gallifrey.
Plot happens, and Gwen goes to stare at the cybertits, unable to believe what CyberLisa is wearing. She's probably scared she'll have to wear a metal bikini next week, or some sort of chainmail underwear. It's... incredibly sexist. Let's not pretend otherwise, 'kay? They've shoved the female guest star into a revealing outfit that's not remotely what they'd put a man in. So that we can stare at her tits. The word I'm looking for here is "exploitation."
Gwen manages to get herself endangered. Luckily she is rescued by a man. Most importantly is that the cyberscissors must have pointlessly snipped at nothing for a good while so that she'd be alive and intact to be rescued. How high up was that thing? I was not very convinced, no.
Jack gets electrocuted, and here I add that.... Barrowman's not that great with the acting in this, is he? Especially when he has more than one line at a time. He says things like they're far more serious than he's convincing you they are. Tennant can't shout, Billie couldn't do "confident," Barrowman can't do... talking. What's that about? He wasn't this bad on DW! It's all a bit B-movie, really.
Owen and Gwen snog in a cupboard as CyberLisa stomps about a bit. Basically Torchwood like to take sexual advantage of each other as often as possible. They're not very nice.
The other thing is... does this make you wonder what alt!Rose is getting up to? Everyone seems to think she's crying about the Doctor and having banter with Mickey, but based on this she's probably shagging anything that moves, pointing guns at her friends, brooding on rooftops and eating a lot of pizza. And the weird thing? I want to see that Rose, because she sounds like she'd be a laugh and an exciting person to hang with.
Meanwhile Jack snogs Ianto, who is unconscious. I think it's to wake him up. There's no special effects, but one assumes he's doing that thing where he kisses someone and they get like Bad Wolf stuff out of him. Plus points for same-sex kiss, minus points that it's for a Plot Reason and not an actual kiss. But there was far more lip action than the plot required, which means Jack's a bit of an opportunist, see above re: taking advantage of each other. Is there a Torchwood policy on sexual harrassment? Have any of these people read it? I bet Ianto has. Ianto and none of the others. Because Ianto is the best of them, other than Toshiko.
"Shh, don't tell anyone or Owen'll want some."
Plot happens, which leads to...
A robowoman fighting a pterodactyl.
A robowoman. Fighting a pterodactyl. This is EXACTLY the sort of crazy shit I love this 'verse for, and well done to Torchwood for finally embracing the cracktasticness.
With CyberLisa believed etted by teh dinosaur, punches are thrown and angry masculine aggression flows through the air trying not to be too homoerotic. Gwen stops the boys fighting by thrusting her tits out a bit.
But Jack is Very Angry and presses his phallic symbol against Ianto's head. Jack is one crazy bastard. I like that. He seems to be slowly dehumanising the others by not talking about their love lives with them and making them do things like save the world from aliens. Let's hope Gwen's Magic Healing Vagina will be enough to save their humanity from Jack's emo. So this is another thing that's the Doctor's fault. Why does that man have his own series again? And why is everyone in this 'verse in love with such a useless bastard?
Ianto has a bit of a cry over dead!CyberLisa, but as it turns out she's put her brain into the body of a pizza delivery girl. How did she do that? How do you remove your own brain and implant it in someone else's head? The stitching's a bit crown-of-thorns, which I liked. Her plan is to... cyberise that body? Is it? But at least it proves the evilness was something in her brain.
Team Torchwood hate Ianto so much that they won't even let him join in when they shoot his girlfriend dead. No wonder the poor boy's so emo.
The end of the episode, and thus it's time for Jack to brood angstily. There's anvils all over the fucking place about love and doing crazy or terrible things for it. So, who did Jack love? Someone we haven't seen yet or is it really the Doctor? I mean... slash goggles off for a moment, who are the other candidates? Rose? Cos he totally wanted the Doctor more than he wanted her. Someone since he got abandoned, because he didn't have the lost love emo before. Right now my honest non-slash-blinded guess really is that it's the Doctor. He died for that man, and got abandoned by him, and keeps his severed hand inna jar to gaze at lovingly.
And so Ianto is punished by being made to clean up after them all the way he always does anyway. I bet he gets off on it. Ianto was right stupid in this, yet somehow quite sympathetic at the same time. No one tries to pretend that he wasn't stupid and blinded by love, which does help. He's not approved of for what he did. Also, CyberLisa didn't just need some looooove. By the end of this, they all think Ianto's a total fuckwit and Gwen has actually killed someone with a lot less wailing than when she did it accidentally last week. She was quite good in this one. Being the newbie she's probably destined to get into danger more than anyone else, but she was mostly useful and competent in this one.
*collapses* That took for fucking ever.
Poor Ianto. He is left out as the rest of Team Torchwood play basketball. Ianto is the unloved one who runs like a girl and throws like one-eyed monkey. Poor, sad Ianto. I wonder what Dark Angsty Depths he has.
The others all go out without him, dressed as goths. This is so as to broadcast their Deep Angsty Darkness to anyone who might see them, cos the chicks go mad for that crap. They hate Ianto, don't they? Why do they hate him so? Is it just because he makes the tea?
Luckily, Ianto has a girlfriend. In the basement. She's a cyborg. ...stop judging their love, you! The music's nice in this bit. Less nice is the way she's been dressed up as some sort of sexbot. Do all Cybermen have cyberbras on underneath their cyberclothes? I mean, to be purely practical about it, what's the point of tits if you're a Cyberman? They're for feeding babies, so you'd think they'd just chop those off and replace them with some sort of... technology... stuff. But how thoughtful of them to start the conversion by tastefully covering just enough of her reproductive parts to be decent. Who knew the Cybermen were so considerate? (This would be the place to echo by only vaguely related agreement with whoever said that Time Lords can't be asexual because why does Romana have breasts?)
The Ianto/Cyberman love that includes kissing. I really hope that's the limit of their physical intimacy. Because she's a frickin' robot.
We are treated to an in no way gratuitous shot of her cybertits.
And of her cybercrotch. Ianto has brought in some bloke from Japan to fix his girlfriend, CyberLisa, who was half-converted during that episode of Doctor Who where Rose fell into a swirly thing and Ten ripped Martha's brains out. Ianto wants to cure her. It's a shame the Doctor isn't here to... well, he'd apologise to her and then euthanise her, wouldn't he? That's what he does with Cybermen. Anyway, the Cybermen finally get some Emotional Significance by giving us the obvious of a cyberconverted loved one. This works better than it did in That One Where Mickey Left Rose For A Man, partly because we get some more horror from the half-converted look and partly because there isn't a spare Lisa lying around to replace this one.
Sadly, CyberLisa is still evil, and kills the Japanese bloke who earlier so lovingly caressed her cybertits. That's gratitude for you. I don't know why she's evil. I have to assume there's something in her brain, since there's not much room in the cyberbra.
"No, babes, don't kill people. It's bad. You make me so angsty and despairing." What is it with this 'verse and people loving things that can't love them back the way they want them to? Cyborgs, paving slabs, severed hands, immortal aliens, shopgirls, bitchy trampolines and French courtesans... it's all a bit depressing when you think about it. But you'd make a fortune with a dating agency. Match people up by mortality and emotional capacity and mobility levels and likelihood of wanting to get a mortgage. Then we could get a nice happy story sometime!
"It's my fault!" he cries. No, Ianto! It's the Cybermen's fault! Wait... they wouldn't have been there were it not for Torchwood. And there'd be no Torchwood if Rose hadn't pissed off Queen Victoria. And she was only there because of the Doctor. And he only met her because he blew up his planet. And that's because of the Daleks. And he could of stopped them. So blame Sarah Jane Smith for not being able to convince Four to off the fuckers when he had the chance. Though Nine might still have met Rose or had that adventure with someone else, so it's all because he left home. Blame the parents. Yeah. Ianto's girlfriend is evil because the Doctor's mother didn't breastfeed him properly. Because Nestle have a branch on Gallifrey.
Plot happens, and Gwen goes to stare at the cybertits, unable to believe what CyberLisa is wearing. She's probably scared she'll have to wear a metal bikini next week, or some sort of chainmail underwear. It's... incredibly sexist. Let's not pretend otherwise, 'kay? They've shoved the female guest star into a revealing outfit that's not remotely what they'd put a man in. So that we can stare at her tits. The word I'm looking for here is "exploitation."
Gwen manages to get herself endangered. Luckily she is rescued by a man. Most importantly is that the cyberscissors must have pointlessly snipped at nothing for a good while so that she'd be alive and intact to be rescued. How high up was that thing? I was not very convinced, no.
Jack gets electrocuted, and here I add that.... Barrowman's not that great with the acting in this, is he? Especially when he has more than one line at a time. He says things like they're far more serious than he's convincing you they are. Tennant can't shout, Billie couldn't do "confident," Barrowman can't do... talking. What's that about? He wasn't this bad on DW! It's all a bit B-movie, really.
Owen and Gwen snog in a cupboard as CyberLisa stomps about a bit. Basically Torchwood like to take sexual advantage of each other as often as possible. They're not very nice.
The other thing is... does this make you wonder what alt!Rose is getting up to? Everyone seems to think she's crying about the Doctor and having banter with Mickey, but based on this she's probably shagging anything that moves, pointing guns at her friends, brooding on rooftops and eating a lot of pizza. And the weird thing? I want to see that Rose, because she sounds like she'd be a laugh and an exciting person to hang with.
Meanwhile Jack snogs Ianto, who is unconscious. I think it's to wake him up. There's no special effects, but one assumes he's doing that thing where he kisses someone and they get like Bad Wolf stuff out of him. Plus points for same-sex kiss, minus points that it's for a Plot Reason and not an actual kiss. But there was far more lip action than the plot required, which means Jack's a bit of an opportunist, see above re: taking advantage of each other. Is there a Torchwood policy on sexual harrassment? Have any of these people read it? I bet Ianto has. Ianto and none of the others. Because Ianto is the best of them, other than Toshiko.
"Shh, don't tell anyone or Owen'll want some."
Plot happens, which leads to...
A robowoman fighting a pterodactyl.
A robowoman. Fighting a pterodactyl. This is EXACTLY the sort of crazy shit I love this 'verse for, and well done to Torchwood for finally embracing the cracktasticness.
With CyberLisa believed etted by teh dinosaur, punches are thrown and angry masculine aggression flows through the air trying not to be too homoerotic. Gwen stops the boys fighting by thrusting her tits out a bit.
But Jack is Very Angry and presses his phallic symbol against Ianto's head. Jack is one crazy bastard. I like that. He seems to be slowly dehumanising the others by not talking about their love lives with them and making them do things like save the world from aliens. Let's hope Gwen's Magic Healing Vagina will be enough to save their humanity from Jack's emo. So this is another thing that's the Doctor's fault. Why does that man have his own series again? And why is everyone in this 'verse in love with such a useless bastard?
Ianto has a bit of a cry over dead!CyberLisa, but as it turns out she's put her brain into the body of a pizza delivery girl. How did she do that? How do you remove your own brain and implant it in someone else's head? The stitching's a bit crown-of-thorns, which I liked. Her plan is to... cyberise that body? Is it? But at least it proves the evilness was something in her brain.
Team Torchwood hate Ianto so much that they won't even let him join in when they shoot his girlfriend dead. No wonder the poor boy's so emo.
The end of the episode, and thus it's time for Jack to brood angstily. There's anvils all over the fucking place about love and doing crazy or terrible things for it. So, who did Jack love? Someone we haven't seen yet or is it really the Doctor? I mean... slash goggles off for a moment, who are the other candidates? Rose? Cos he totally wanted the Doctor more than he wanted her. Someone since he got abandoned, because he didn't have the lost love emo before. Right now my honest non-slash-blinded guess really is that it's the Doctor. He died for that man, and got abandoned by him, and keeps his severed hand inna jar to gaze at lovingly.
And so Ianto is punished by being made to clean up after them all the way he always does anyway. I bet he gets off on it. Ianto was right stupid in this, yet somehow quite sympathetic at the same time. No one tries to pretend that he wasn't stupid and blinded by love, which does help. He's not approved of for what he did. Also, CyberLisa didn't just need some looooove. By the end of this, they all think Ianto's a total fuckwit and Gwen has actually killed someone with a lot less wailing than when she did it accidentally last week. She was quite good in this one. Being the newbie she's probably destined to get into danger more than anyone else, but she was mostly useful and competent in this one.
*collapses* That took for fucking ever.