Feeling kind of bad....
Ok so I am trying to be all gentleman like but last night I had dinner with my ex and well her new ex(on the inside I am happy about that), but I am kind of sad they are not together anymore because everyone deserves someone. So I think because as much as I don’t want to admit it to my self I had maybe valid feelings for my ex, and because of it I felt bitter and the verbal sparing we did last night was subtle but I think kind of vicious. I was subconsciously attacking Zennon for dating her, and I attacked her because she dumped me. Anyway something I said was hurtful and it got to her good and she got really mad at me at the end of the night. I know I should walk away and I know half of you are going to scream at me to stay away from her but I feel just so bad for what I did. So tomorrow or the next day I am going to apologies to her. I guess in a way I feel betrayed for letting her get so close to me and then when she broke up with me it was like a stab with a knife, and like a wounded animal I lunged back the only way I could with words since I am a pacifist. I don’t get it like anyone takes anything I say to heart any more I guess I was surprised she did. Obviously she counted me as a decent enough friend to actually put some truth in my words and when I said what ever I did to her and it hurt her enough I guess it meant something to her. Sometimes I can be really stupid, I just let my mouth fly off, I can’t help it that is who I am, I try to be reserved around new friends but I thought we where close enough for her to think most of what I say is bullshit anyway.
I don’t know what is worse closing your self off because you would rather feel nothing then feel pain, or feeling so hurt from trusting someone that you subconsciously vow to never let anyone in enough again to hurt you. I can see why I am doing that now, why I am making friends with all these girls I either fool around with or just am friends with and no matter what nothing more. I could date some of them, if I thought we would fit together, or maybe if I let my self trust them but I seem to have close that part off again, but not to be numb this time just because I am afraid of getting hurt. Fear is such double edged knife for me, on one side I love fear any female who can scare me turns me on more then life itself, but fear is also the reason I will in turn not let that female get close to me.
I can see it now, I might have felt threatened maybe even afraid, that is why I lashed out at my ex, not because I was bitter but because I was afraid of her, and not in the conventional way either. I lashed out at her because a fear of what she could do what power I gave her and what she could use against me. It is like giving someone the one weapon that could pierce your flesh if you where immortal, but not telling her that the knife can do that and yet still fearing the weapon. Stupid analogy I know but it is the only way I can think of how I feel about her, I am over her but she still has a way of really getting to me and either she knows it and is not using it because she is showing great restraint and being nice or she dose not know how bad she can still hurt me.
I don’t know what is worse closing your self off because you would rather feel nothing then feel pain, or feeling so hurt from trusting someone that you subconsciously vow to never let anyone in enough again to hurt you. I can see why I am doing that now, why I am making friends with all these girls I either fool around with or just am friends with and no matter what nothing more. I could date some of them, if I thought we would fit together, or maybe if I let my self trust them but I seem to have close that part off again, but not to be numb this time just because I am afraid of getting hurt. Fear is such double edged knife for me, on one side I love fear any female who can scare me turns me on more then life itself, but fear is also the reason I will in turn not let that female get close to me.
I can see it now, I might have felt threatened maybe even afraid, that is why I lashed out at my ex, not because I was bitter but because I was afraid of her, and not in the conventional way either. I lashed out at her because a fear of what she could do what power I gave her and what she could use against me. It is like giving someone the one weapon that could pierce your flesh if you where immortal, but not telling her that the knife can do that and yet still fearing the weapon. Stupid analogy I know but it is the only way I can think of how I feel about her, I am over her but she still has a way of really getting to me and either she knows it and is not using it because she is showing great restraint and being nice or she dose not know how bad she can still hurt me.