My 2nd less triumphant return to LJ!!!
So ive decided to start doing this again especially since like no one really uses this anymore so YAY!!!
I just looked back at all of my old posts and ive decided that i liked myself alot better then than i do now. i seem happier its weird cause my decent into whatever this is now was so gradual i didnt even notice its so weird . i think that i was more likable then too every now and then now i feel that no one really likes me, that im like the guy the feel bad for so they let him stand there and feel like he has friends. I dunno how to get out of this rut. it sux so much its like a prison or something. I was never in that little social box that we get into around other people but it seems that at some point i slipped into that. idk why. i hate this. i need acceptance to be happy. i never needed that. now its like the main thing that i strive for. and when i fail or get criticized every damn day by a certain theater teacher it makes me feel worthless. i just feel so depressed all the time because of this. idk why i get that feeling from everyone. well not everyone just my old friends. thats the odd thing its the people i usually am with that i get this feeling from. not the underclassmen. they make me feel slightly better. it seems that im trying to please everyone and failing. then i remember how i was liked better when i was younger so i try to act like that. but i seem to have forgotten who i really am. ive regressed to the point where im seeking acceptance from everyone and altering my personallity to what i think might be a better fit. i need help. i dont want to be like this anylonger. perhaps this will help. afterall i cant actually remember when ive had so much personal reflection as this. its kinda therapeutic to write this kinda thing. i dont usually think these thoughts unless the computer is in front of me. its funny. its kind of a medium between my thoughts and emotions.
went to prolly my last magic game ever today as the days go on it seems that everyones so excited to say good bye to trinity and stuff but 4 sum reason today we brought up the little 'ahhell salem' things that nina maggie and i made in 10th grade and i have a little flash of all those times spent at lunch sitting outside there with my friends and all the jokes and stuff. im getting really sad i dont wanna leave everyone and stuff. im sure ill be happy at college i mean i was sad when i left middle school too but like idk its hard. o god college is so confusing... actually i dont wanna talk about college. ill leave that. God im gonna miss everyone sooooooo much. i cry everytime i think about it and its not gonna be good bye for another like 90 days but its still too sad. and then ive got newish friends like kyra who im never really gonna get a chance to really get close with which is also sad. as much as i hate all the work and stuff that trinity has its where all my friends are and i love them all so much.
I just looked back at all of my old posts and ive decided that i liked myself alot better then than i do now. i seem happier its weird cause my decent into whatever this is now was so gradual i didnt even notice its so weird . i think that i was more likable then too every now and then now i feel that no one really likes me, that im like the guy the feel bad for so they let him stand there and feel like he has friends. I dunno how to get out of this rut. it sux so much its like a prison or something. I was never in that little social box that we get into around other people but it seems that at some point i slipped into that. idk why. i hate this. i need acceptance to be happy. i never needed that. now its like the main thing that i strive for. and when i fail or get criticized every damn day by a certain theater teacher it makes me feel worthless. i just feel so depressed all the time because of this. idk why i get that feeling from everyone. well not everyone just my old friends. thats the odd thing its the people i usually am with that i get this feeling from. not the underclassmen. they make me feel slightly better. it seems that im trying to please everyone and failing. then i remember how i was liked better when i was younger so i try to act like that. but i seem to have forgotten who i really am. ive regressed to the point where im seeking acceptance from everyone and altering my personallity to what i think might be a better fit. i need help. i dont want to be like this anylonger. perhaps this will help. afterall i cant actually remember when ive had so much personal reflection as this. its kinda therapeutic to write this kinda thing. i dont usually think these thoughts unless the computer is in front of me. its funny. its kind of a medium between my thoughts and emotions.
went to prolly my last magic game ever today as the days go on it seems that everyones so excited to say good bye to trinity and stuff but 4 sum reason today we brought up the little 'ahhell salem' things that nina maggie and i made in 10th grade and i have a little flash of all those times spent at lunch sitting outside there with my friends and all the jokes and stuff. im getting really sad i dont wanna leave everyone and stuff. im sure ill be happy at college i mean i was sad when i left middle school too but like idk its hard. o god college is so confusing... actually i dont wanna talk about college. ill leave that. God im gonna miss everyone sooooooo much. i cry everytime i think about it and its not gonna be good bye for another like 90 days but its still too sad. and then ive got newish friends like kyra who im never really gonna get a chance to really get close with which is also sad. as much as i hate all the work and stuff that trinity has its where all my friends are and i love them all so much.