Midnight at the new moon
It's not as dark out as it should be. Moonset was over an hour ago, a second-night thumbnail sliver turning golden brown as I left Best Buy at 9 pm. Now it's midnight but the sky above our woods is still light. Cloud cover? Sky glow? I don't know.
Maybe I've learned a few things today. Like, I'm afraid to miss out on miracles, which might be why I keep hoping for changes I don't actually think are possible. Why I keep trying even though failure seems to be what's happening.
What are you waiting for?
I'm waiting for incontrovertible proof that further effort won't solve the problem.
You've just spent half an hour describing that proof as the current situation. So what are you waiting for?
Permission. Approval. Agreement. The other person to give up first.
What fear keeps you in this struggle?
I'm afraid of being a 'bad person', the person who causes pain they can't fix. I'm afraid of proving all negative predictions right. I'm afraid that if I don't keep trying it will mean I'm lazy, weak, at fault.
What would it take for you to speak up for yourself?
I do speak up for myself. But the other person isn't listening. Or is listening, but somehow not hearing what I really mean.
What would it take for you to take care of yourself?
I'm trying to take care of myself. And I'm trying to take care of the other one. Trying not to be the one who walks away. Trying not to be the one who Does Wrong. I don't want to be the one who hurts the other. I keep noticing that I can't prevent the other from feeling whatever they feel, even though I imagine that if I can 'do it right' they won't feel hurt.
What is it that you actually want?
I want a life in which there is dancing, singing in harmony, community, shared purpose, shared pleasure, shared work. I want a life with connection, love, support, intimacy. I want a life in which I have peace in which to think my own thoughts. I want a life in which I am working with people in crisis.
I want a life in which I am free from television, especially television's so-called news, artificial conflict, adrenaline-junkie, racism, sexism, ageism, heteronormativity, cisprivilege. I want a life in which 'making fun of' is totally absent. I want a life in which alcoholism has no place. I want a life in which there is honest downtime and rest but no avoidance. I want my addictions to be cleared and not replaced with others. I want meaningful work and important relationships.
How can you get it?
I can choose companions for whom these things are important. I can continue to volunteer with hospice, to offer pastoral care and Reiki, to teach Yoga, to design and lead ritual, to study toward initiations. I can continue to honor the unseen Powers that Be and continue to experience Their presence more fully. I can speak up honestly for what I need and keep my own agenda forward.
I can refuse to ever again sit back and wait for someone else to decide when, if ever, it is time for the things I need to arrive in my life.
What are you willing to do?
Whatever it takes.
Maybe I've learned a few things today. Like, I'm afraid to miss out on miracles, which might be why I keep hoping for changes I don't actually think are possible. Why I keep trying even though failure seems to be what's happening.
What are you waiting for?
I'm waiting for incontrovertible proof that further effort won't solve the problem.
You've just spent half an hour describing that proof as the current situation. So what are you waiting for?
Permission. Approval. Agreement. The other person to give up first.
What fear keeps you in this struggle?
I'm afraid of being a 'bad person', the person who causes pain they can't fix. I'm afraid of proving all negative predictions right. I'm afraid that if I don't keep trying it will mean I'm lazy, weak, at fault.
What would it take for you to speak up for yourself?
I do speak up for myself. But the other person isn't listening. Or is listening, but somehow not hearing what I really mean.
What would it take for you to take care of yourself?
I'm trying to take care of myself. And I'm trying to take care of the other one. Trying not to be the one who walks away. Trying not to be the one who Does Wrong. I don't want to be the one who hurts the other. I keep noticing that I can't prevent the other from feeling whatever they feel, even though I imagine that if I can 'do it right' they won't feel hurt.
What is it that you actually want?
I want a life in which there is dancing, singing in harmony, community, shared purpose, shared pleasure, shared work. I want a life with connection, love, support, intimacy. I want a life in which I have peace in which to think my own thoughts. I want a life in which I am working with people in crisis.
I want a life in which I am free from television, especially television's so-called news, artificial conflict, adrenaline-junkie, racism, sexism, ageism, heteronormativity, cisprivilege. I want a life in which 'making fun of' is totally absent. I want a life in which alcoholism has no place. I want a life in which there is honest downtime and rest but no avoidance. I want my addictions to be cleared and not replaced with others. I want meaningful work and important relationships.
How can you get it?
I can choose companions for whom these things are important. I can continue to volunteer with hospice, to offer pastoral care and Reiki, to teach Yoga, to design and lead ritual, to study toward initiations. I can continue to honor the unseen Powers that Be and continue to experience Their presence more fully. I can speak up honestly for what I need and keep my own agenda forward.
I can refuse to ever again sit back and wait for someone else to decide when, if ever, it is time for the things I need to arrive in my life.
What are you willing to do?
Whatever it takes.