Update for Mabon, part Two
As I've been writing I'm finding myself terribly long-winded. Please feel even freer than usual to just skim here. I've cut out lots of excessive detail as I've been writing and revising; what's left may only be valuable to me, but it's what I want to say out loud today.
Relationships
So perhaps there is movement today.
Last night I hardly slept, disturbed by the recurring pattern of Dear Husband's occasional sleep disturbance on the heels of an evening's alcohol.
This morning our counseling appointment began with that focus. It seems just possible that DH has heard, perhaps for the first time, that I have finally reached the limits of my willingness to live with this particular behavior. It seems also barely possible that he has heard, perhaps for the first time, a clear description of his drinking as 'alcoholic' in an assessment by a professional.
Our counselor (Blessings upon her Name) gave him a clear homework assignment: to think about the relationship he is having with Alcohol, to journal about his emotions surrounding it, to observe the present triangulation as 'husband and alcohol shutting out wife' rather than 'husband and wife occasionally fighting about alcohol.' To consider what ways he might choose to 'uplevel his addictions' -- not to give up the pattern of self-soothing by addiction, but consider using something else instead. Meditation? Exercise? Acupuncture? Yoga? Massage? a different drug, carefully prescribed and controlled? She offered a professional referral to someone in the alternative medicine arena, which he may choose to follow up, we'll see.
In the immediate aftermath of our 50-minute hour he was moody, withdrawn, contemplative, and exhausted. I have been carefully nurturing as much neutrality as I can muster, holding myself willing to support him in any way he wants to be supported as he does this work, keeping my own reactivity as slow and patient as I can.
Later this afternoon he described himself as angry, despairing, feeling unfairly treated. It is true, as he points out, that throughout our 30-plus year relationship he has made concession after concession to what I wanted or thought I wanted. It is true that much of what I have asked for has not worked out as we expected or desired. It is also true of course that I, too, have made concession after concession. At this moment I think both of us are feeling a bit 'eroded away,' to use his words.
Later still he observed that we have never actually lived alone, just the two of us, for longer than a few months.
I don't know whether I am justified in feeling hopeful, but that's the stance I'm choosing.
Sobriety
In recent months I have drunk little. Mostly it's been a beer or two at a party. Sometimes it has been a beer or two because I just want to get through this evening and go to sleep. Generally it's been alcohol 2-3 times a week for a couple of weeks, alternating with 2-4 weeks with no alcohol at all.
This month I have carefully experimented. I have found that in a time when I have had no alcohol for several days I can deliver an entire 90-minute yoga class without giving any impossible instructions, without getting my tongue tangled up, without losing my place ... pretty consistently, actually, even if I'm teaching a posture I haven't taught before.
But there is a direct correlation between 'one drink yesterday' and 'two or more slips of speech today' that has been repeatable. Whether it's a beer with lunch the day before my morning teaching or a glass of wine with lunch the day before my evening teaching, in the 24-30 hours after "one drink" I have heard myself say things like "please roll over to the belly for some forward bending -- I mean, backward bending of course" and "shrug the shoulders up, and forward, and backward, and down, and continue that circle -- oh, wait, I mean ..." Nothing major or, in the grand scheme of things, terribly important, but the correlation is direct and obvious to me.
I have also observed a direct correlation between 'one drink yesterday' and 'more boredom with ritual today' -- even in rituals that have previously felt fulfilling.
So I'm not making that experiment any more. I'm not making a vow to 'never' drink alcohol again, but my intention at this point is to sharply limit my use of it. Probably this will look like 'a couple of glasses of wine at Thanksgiving' when the house is full of relatives. Perhaps it will also look like 'joining DH in champagne for major celebrations,' if that seems appropriate at some point.
One thing is clear. Over the years I have made several attempts to 'join him in drinking' since I couldn't get him to join me in not-drinking; that hasn't worked, isn't helping, and so that attempt is at an end.
Spiritual Practice
Meditation continues challenging. Procrastination and distraction seem to be the chief obstacles, along with a certain fear about what I might learn about my interior process if I let myself just sit. But in the past couple of weeks I have found myself going much deeper in the meditations at the end of yoga classes, and felt much more available to the ten-minute periods of just sitting in nature that occasionally arise.
Over the weekend I took an important step forward in joining with an established tradition, and was introduced to one of the group's Guardians in a pathworking. During that ritual I was given a Gift in physical reality, which I have worn since. In the days since I have found myself back in that forest several times, my hand touching a particular Tree. In the days since I have also found that Gift has been quite lively and present in my awareness. The Path stretches before me, wide and inviting. Blessed Be.
Relationships
So perhaps there is movement today.
Last night I hardly slept, disturbed by the recurring pattern of Dear Husband's occasional sleep disturbance on the heels of an evening's alcohol.
This morning our counseling appointment began with that focus. It seems just possible that DH has heard, perhaps for the first time, that I have finally reached the limits of my willingness to live with this particular behavior. It seems also barely possible that he has heard, perhaps for the first time, a clear description of his drinking as 'alcoholic' in an assessment by a professional.
Our counselor (Blessings upon her Name) gave him a clear homework assignment: to think about the relationship he is having with Alcohol, to journal about his emotions surrounding it, to observe the present triangulation as 'husband and alcohol shutting out wife' rather than 'husband and wife occasionally fighting about alcohol.' To consider what ways he might choose to 'uplevel his addictions' -- not to give up the pattern of self-soothing by addiction, but consider using something else instead. Meditation? Exercise? Acupuncture? Yoga? Massage? a different drug, carefully prescribed and controlled? She offered a professional referral to someone in the alternative medicine arena, which he may choose to follow up, we'll see.
In the immediate aftermath of our 50-minute hour he was moody, withdrawn, contemplative, and exhausted. I have been carefully nurturing as much neutrality as I can muster, holding myself willing to support him in any way he wants to be supported as he does this work, keeping my own reactivity as slow and patient as I can.
Later this afternoon he described himself as angry, despairing, feeling unfairly treated. It is true, as he points out, that throughout our 30-plus year relationship he has made concession after concession to what I wanted or thought I wanted. It is true that much of what I have asked for has not worked out as we expected or desired. It is also true of course that I, too, have made concession after concession. At this moment I think both of us are feeling a bit 'eroded away,' to use his words.
Later still he observed that we have never actually lived alone, just the two of us, for longer than a few months.
I don't know whether I am justified in feeling hopeful, but that's the stance I'm choosing.
Sobriety
In recent months I have drunk little. Mostly it's been a beer or two at a party. Sometimes it has been a beer or two because I just want to get through this evening and go to sleep. Generally it's been alcohol 2-3 times a week for a couple of weeks, alternating with 2-4 weeks with no alcohol at all.
This month I have carefully experimented. I have found that in a time when I have had no alcohol for several days I can deliver an entire 90-minute yoga class without giving any impossible instructions, without getting my tongue tangled up, without losing my place ... pretty consistently, actually, even if I'm teaching a posture I haven't taught before.
But there is a direct correlation between 'one drink yesterday' and 'two or more slips of speech today' that has been repeatable. Whether it's a beer with lunch the day before my morning teaching or a glass of wine with lunch the day before my evening teaching, in the 24-30 hours after "one drink" I have heard myself say things like "please roll over to the belly for some forward bending -- I mean, backward bending of course" and "shrug the shoulders up, and forward, and backward, and down, and continue that circle -- oh, wait, I mean ..." Nothing major or, in the grand scheme of things, terribly important, but the correlation is direct and obvious to me.
I have also observed a direct correlation between 'one drink yesterday' and 'more boredom with ritual today' -- even in rituals that have previously felt fulfilling.
So I'm not making that experiment any more. I'm not making a vow to 'never' drink alcohol again, but my intention at this point is to sharply limit my use of it. Probably this will look like 'a couple of glasses of wine at Thanksgiving' when the house is full of relatives. Perhaps it will also look like 'joining DH in champagne for major celebrations,' if that seems appropriate at some point.
One thing is clear. Over the years I have made several attempts to 'join him in drinking' since I couldn't get him to join me in not-drinking; that hasn't worked, isn't helping, and so that attempt is at an end.
Spiritual Practice
Meditation continues challenging. Procrastination and distraction seem to be the chief obstacles, along with a certain fear about what I might learn about my interior process if I let myself just sit. But in the past couple of weeks I have found myself going much deeper in the meditations at the end of yoga classes, and felt much more available to the ten-minute periods of just sitting in nature that occasionally arise.
Over the weekend I took an important step forward in joining with an established tradition, and was introduced to one of the group's Guardians in a pathworking. During that ritual I was given a Gift in physical reality, which I have worn since. In the days since I have found myself back in that forest several times, my hand touching a particular Tree. In the days since I have also found that Gift has been quite lively and present in my awareness. The Path stretches before me, wide and inviting. Blessed Be.