Let's Play Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals.
Chapter 22: In the Company of Elves.
"Is that crazy elf speak for 'over 9000'?"
"I... have no idea what you're talking about, so.... probably not."
"Gigundo sounds more like a made-up word to me, like a million trillion gazillion infinitillion."
"You'd be the one to know, wouldn't you? You big kid."
"Wanna take some bets on that, shorty?"
"Yeah. What's holding you back?"
"We're colossally racist."
"Ah."
"OK, I was kidding. We are kind of exclusivists, though."
"Pointy ears only club, huh?"
"Karyn?"
"Well, aren't you being all trendy and stuff. What'sa matter? The letter 'i' not good enough for you hoity toity elves?"
"It's a speech impediment. Sorry."
"Speech impediment my foot. You're talking normally now."
"Bah! Foiled again."
"CONTEXT, PLZ?!"
"Also, if you only saw a light, how could you tell it was a man?"
"It's Amon, of course. Who else could it be?"
"He did say there were other sinistrals too, right? One of which was a woman, I think?"
"Well... fair enough, but I still think it's Amon."
"....yeah, it probably is."
"Then why did you turn this into a fight?!"
"I was bored."
"Also, like I said; bored!"
"Yeah, yeah. Let's go stab something. With even more power."
"There's always time to futz around."
"If 'futz' is code for 'indiscriminate slayings', sure."
"Well, it's hard to walk ten steps without encountering something that won't take a hint and leave us alone."
"I wonder if these people find us obnoxiously racist or something, because I would like there to be some irony in all this."
"Damn humans. They're all the same, dirty and violent and stuff. And they move around so much, even though we never thought any of them had any bravery."
"OK, I get it!"
"That was one step. One!"
"Not to mention yet another misspelling. Is this an elven thing too? Should it not have been named Wayban?"
"No, that's too close to Rayban, which would have gotten us sued."
"Shades of economical distress, huh?"
"Well, at least the T Rex is hungry."
"That's good. A scuffle you're walking out of without teeth marks isn't a proper scuffle."
"Ergh! The less I hear about your sex life, the better."
"Is this a human thing too?"
"....not quite. Well, sorta. But not really."
"A temple or a condo. You decide."
"Maybe it's a combi."
"It's your temple. You SHOULD know."
"And it's filled with all kinds of interesting monsters, some of which are even plant-based."
"We should poke around this area and see what we can find."
"Brinz Lizard? Does it fly around cutting off people's foreskins?"
"You can also rent them for parties."
"Ew, no. I don't want them poking their spears at my pants."
"There's so much wrong with this conversation, I don't even know where to start."
"That plant ain't even that red."
"It's the purple people eater."
"Is THAT an elven thing?"
"....yes. Yes, it is."
"Well, isn't this place just perfectly made for our hookshot. Good thing we already found one, huh?"
"It also seems good for making heads explode."
"Do human heads explode that easily?"
"Nah. Just Guy's."
"I see."
"Dude, don't... just believe what he tells you."
"Yeah, we'll be needing to get a rise out of this one, I wager."
"Time to engage in the art of a good ol' 'up 'n down'."
"To go up, one must go down."
"If you go by this world's odd compass, yeah."
"Oh, poopie."
"We're going down, alright."
"Nah, we can take 'em."
"You guys ARE crazy. But I guess that's good in this case."
"Cokatoris? What is this? Product placement?"
"So, what do they call the female bird? Cli-.."
"WHOA OK NOW STOP RIGHT THERE!"
"...you guys are weird. And a bunch of perverts."
"Judging by the creepy smiles of the Rogue Shapes, they agree with you."
"That is one blue snake."
"Maybe he was attacked by a Brinz Lizard."
"Everyone, say hello to ol' Skinless."
"Ew."
"Hmmm. Are they feathery wings or leathery wings?"
"Which side of the border do you guys worship, Arty?"
"The ones that aren't murdering all of us and bringing chaos to the lands."
"Ouch! Touché, I guess."
"How many stairs going up does this place have?"
"Just as many as ones going down."
"Really? Are you sure?"
"......"
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?"
"I didn't know the rabbit hole ran that deep, though."
"This must be the room where they store all the foreskins."
"EWWWW!"
"Guy, can we please leave that topic now? Like... for good?"
"Excellent. Now I can finally perform the rocket punch."
"I don't even want to know how a ROCKET ring works."
"Maybe it fires rockets. That would not look hilarious at all."
"One ring to rule them all, and in low Earth orbit bind them."
"Barred by the great divide."
"Are we waiting for the clerk? What is this?"
"I'm all for buying our way through this place."
"I've heard of 'pay to play', but not 'pay to not play'. Is this something new?"
"That's kind of dumb. Who'd want to do that?"
"Come to think of it, this room adds a certain bone-breaking flair to 'the floor is lava'."
"Well, anything beats the 'burned alive, limbs flailing' kind of death."
"Which we might've had, if this room really was filled with lava. As it stands, though, it's gonna be broken bones."
"Aren't you the jumping queen, though? This drop should be nothing for you."
"Won't work. There's no permission arrows here."
"Gah! Curse you, fine print."
"Are you sure that's not 'Divide Shrine'?"
"Damn it, I knew we shouldn't have written the floor names so quickly and sloppily."
"Well, at least we got a Revive Armor out of the deal... whatever the hell that is."
"The name says it all, really, but it still feels like a really oddly named armor piece."
"It's an armor piece that will never let you die, which sounds like a great idea until you've been on the receiving end of several hours of 'WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE?!' followed by more stabbings."
"What the..."
"Is it just me, or does that thing look like a walking sex toy with a face?"
"It's Mr. Happy, the friend that keeps on giving."
"The only thing he's giving me is the desire to tear my eyes out from their sockets."
"Mr. Happy can probably help you with that."
"Yes, he'll poke out your eyeses."
"That's enough out of you, Gollum."
"Yes, but have we found the fire, water, wind and earth key?"
"I hope so, or we will never be able to summon Captain Dorkface Punmaster."
"I want that key. When we're done with this dungeon, I'll bring it with me when we leave. That way, I can have it on me when I go out scoping for ladies. I'll say 'this is the key to my heart. Will you be the one to open it?"
"If you do that, I will shoot you, even if I have to invent a gun to be able to do it."
"And today, the number is six."
"We shall all climb the hole."
"Be careful with those pots, Maxim, and don't think too hard about what might be inside them."
"SHUT UP! Remind me when I'm NOT holding one right above my head instead if you're going to be helpfully gross."
"You are a rock, Maxim. You are an island."
"Hey! Men have feelings too, you know. Or human beings, depending on where your little jab was directed."
"Nah, it was just a song I heard once, except with 'I am' instead of 'you are'. Kind of ironic now in hindsight, seeing how we elves acted."
"I swear... if these aren't the correct stairs for once, I'm going to scream."
"Given the ludicrous detours we had to go through to get here, I'd say it is."
"That, or someone's trolling us."
"Are... are the lights flaring up as we pass them?"
"That's not creepy at all."
"And now, the floating platform ferry."
"This place almost feels like a wharf or something."
"Except there's no water here. Well... yet, at any rate."
"Well, we got something to deal with just ahead."
"A Sonic the Hedgehog cosplayer?"
"Could use more spikes."
"Guh! Not this again."
"Creepy hallways, now with exploding walls."
"Triggered by the lighting of all wall-mounted flame pots. Sounds like a stupidly elaborate way to open something."
"To explode this wall, you have to walk both hallways to the end."
"....."
"Yeah, that is very inconvenient, isn't it?"
"Hmmmm."
"That wall looks all cracked and weak. Is there any chance we can leave it behind unexploded?"
"No can do. If there's anything I have learned on our journey, then it's that we have to blow up everything. Always."
"Wait, what? You're kidding, right?"
"Nope. Ever since we got the bomb, every day has been a blast. So to speak."
"So I hope you brought your earplugs, because things are about to get loud."
"Every truly cultured music stu-dent knooooows...."
"Oh, so we're singing that tune now? Well, then; allow me to do the do re mi's."
"You really knows where it's at, don't you?"
"Um... you guys OK? We thought we were in for a fight here, but...."
"Do you have paralyzing spells or something, Arty?"
"Nope."
"Maybe it's just cold in here."
"So, how many eggs are we going to carry around?"
"It's a miracle they haven't cracked yet."
"Dragon eggs are hardy indeed. Must be why dragons are so dangerous when they hatch."
"I heard they can headbutt a mountain into gravel."
"I heard dragons don't get frost bite. They bite frost."
"I heard dragons never sleep. They wait."
"I guess that explains Skyrim."
"Just call me Mr. Jazz."
"My husband, the improv King."
"Groovy, mama! Groovy."
"It didn't see us."
"I knew all that time playing Metal Gear Solid would pay off."
"No, I don't think that's it. Er... I mean... what?!"
"Well, we went and did it. We used the heart."
"Now I feel all empty inside."
"And so, another 'item usage for dummies' challenge was completed. I feel like I'm back in that damn tutorial again. All that's missing is the old guy."
"....."
"And I also wish I had the hammer back then. The arrows had no effect on him whatsoever."
"....uh..."
"Are we there yet?"
"It would appear so."
"I guess Amon used the Wicked Heart key to get here."
"No, that was probably Karyn's doing."
"Well, we got a wicked heart to stop, so we should probably step on it."
"Oh, we just thought we'd teach you some proper insults, you dong-shaped Saint Seiya reject."
"Did you buy your armor at Ikea and screw up the assembly, or did you faceplant in the kitchenware department after mistaking glue for body oil?"
"I know it stings being rejected as a model for the Rygar bonus tally rooms on grounds of being too homoerotic, but that's no reason to take out your anger on your hair."
"Shut up, you stupid flies."
"And such a wide range of insults too. You must make your father proud."
"Wait, we weren't done yet."
"I guess he really didn't HAVE a Wicked Heart key."
"And now he doesn't have real ultimate powers either."
"Um... but you just defeated the guy."
"Quite easily too, from the looks of things."
"But nooo, we have to be 'the only hope', because reasons."
"Please look after my mil... I..."
"Your dirty mind makes this sad scene unintentionally hilarious, huh?"
"And kind of wrong."
"Anyway, can I?"
"Sure, you... uh, look after her milk or whatever. Not that I was staring or anything, but by the look of it, she had lots."
"YES! Revenge is the way to go. Always remember that."
"Well, they ARE trying to destroy us. Anything goes when it comes to self defense."
"So, this is it, huh? Looks like a teleporting station to me."
"The words 'step on it' comes to mind."
"Now finally in a more literal fashion."
"....um."
"Is that it?"
"Well... yeah. What did you expect?"
"Something a bit more impressive-looking, at least."
"Oh well, at least we got real ultimate powers now."
"Um... Arty?"
"He's stuck in a loop."
"Someone give him a slap on the back of his head."
"And neither would we, I guess."
"Irksome as it is to admit."
"Yeah, I mean... he called us stupid tiny flies. That really hurt."
"You guys are just being sarcastic now, aren't you?"
"Well... yeah. But we probably would have died. I mean... we hadn't picked up those powers yet, so... uh... I'm not helping, am I?"
"No."
"But... you do have kids, right? I mean... how long do you guys live anyway?"
"I'm not sure. I lost count of my age a long time ago. Milka's just 137 years old, though."
"I... you... what?!"
"I don't know about you guys, but I just realized ONE good reason why elves are hesitant to allow themselves to mingle with humans. It's kind of depressing when you think about it."
Casting aside any further thought on the subject, our team of heroes looked to the present and decided to revisit a slightly older topic that had weighed on their minds earlier.
"And so quick too. Why didn't you think about doing this earlier, you humongous assholes? I mean... you polluted the region around your city for gods knows how long, and as soon as someone points it out, you fix it in less than a day. How the hell are you people actually keeping up with your science?"
"One day at a time, pal. One day at a time."
"Besides, it's not like we can live for hundreds and hundreds of years or anything."
"You know what? Never mind. The problem is solved, and I guess that is what should count."
"That's the spirit."
To be continued....
Onwards to the next chapter....
Back to the beginning....