Let's Play Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals.
Chapter 20: You got some stones to mess with me, man.
"With lots and lots of money."
"Um... that's not the problem here."
"Besides, what kind of money can HE pay off his crimes with? He doesn't seem like he's fought a single enemy in his whole life."
"But more importantly; corruption. Always an option."
"But more importantly; as Guy mentioned, I hope the King has the good sense to never encourage corruption like this."
"I don't know about you guys, but I could do with a more optimistic scene for once."
"Ohoho, well... that'll do."
"There's something here he wants even more. Like... an even BIGGER gem thing."
"GET A ROOM, YOU TWO!"
"I'm pretty sure they already have one. Especially the Princess."
"IT HAS BEGUN!"
"Well, apparently, what he wants is inside the Princess's mouth."
"And he's going to nab it with his tongue."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"......."
"You were right, Selan. This... 'peace' did indeed last a long time."
"They have to breathe sometime."
"Well, you're off to a good start."
"Soon, you'll get to the REALLY fun part of it all."
"And that's a scientific fact.... I think."
"You think?"
"Well, there's always some uncertainty when it comes to science."
"Well, it's just a wild stab in the dark, but.... greed?"
"And whatever value 'sitting there looking pretty' might hold."
"But before we move on, here's a few chests we forgot the last time we were here."
"Will we ever use those dragon eggs for anything?"
"Eh, maybe."
"What the hell is a figgoru?"
"It's a wrench. Why would we need a..."
"Sweet. No tolls either? I would hate to cut into this kingdom's profits."
"Eh, this place owes us. We got their Prince laid."
"Oh, my. Such unladylike behavior."
"Well, let's head over to the next town."
"Phagh! Getting tired of this samey scenery. Even the sandy areas are getting kind of regular now."
"It means we're going to have to go take a look, of course. When does it ever mean anything else?"
"Define 'weird'."
"It's all red and ominous."
"That's not weird. That's just stereotypical."
"Probably because he's a douchebag who needs to be kicked down a notch."
"He'll probably be served a lot of desserts made of 'just' in the near future."
"And how would you assholes know? Any of you ever been there?"
"I love how these people know aaaaall about what's going on in the outside world, despite them spending all of the time rooted to one spot."
"Kids! It's always about the cake with them, the little gluttons."
"To maximize cake profits, get married several times."
"It's the Hollywood way."
"Yeah, I bet the Queen in that last town we visited shops here."
"He really was whipped. Literally."
"Its IP attack is probably called 'a Royal Pain in the Ass'."
"But of course. Can't cheer for the main victim unless his rival is an unredeemable jerkass."
"Main victim?"
"Um... oops. Meant to say 'candidate'. A little slip of the tongue there."
"Second thoughts about marriage? I have them."
"Oh, give it a try, Guy. I'm sure it'll turn out fine."
"Uwaaaaah."
"Selan, dear... stop tormenting the poor idiot."
"Unless you're a Princess in a fictional work. Then you usually get to marry whoever you please."
"Or you're the prize to be won."
"But only if you partake in the Big Princess Lottery."
"Where if you don't win, they'll cut groves in your back and pour salt and pepper into it."
"What kind of books are you people reading?!"
"Eh, it'll never work."
"GAH! YOU CYNIC!"
"Thanks for sharing your vital statistics, too."
"The importance is staggering."
"Well, as long as you don't whip out your lame-ass titles for us all, Guy, I'm quite happy."
"Or the poor slob they falcon-punched straight into the air."
"Is it a light or is it a guy?"
"Only science knows for sure."
"How do we know there are three?"
"And wouldn't that give it kind of a religious connotation?"
"Not when the total is four, no."
"I guess four is NOT a magic number."
"Well, we have a magic tree, so why not a magic three?"
"And how scientific is that?!"
"Ohoho, listen to Mr. Tsundere over here."
"That's really cute, you know."
"So the Princess would be the clueless one in this relationship, then?"
"And she'd continuously make him angry, so that he'd punch her.... and then it stopped sounding like it'd be fun to watch, didn't it?"
"Watch, you say?"
"Ups. I meant read."
"That's good. Give me at least some more time to invent the TV."
"He's... thinking really loudly, isn't he?"
"Yes, quite."
"Well, you could stop being such a douchebag, but I guess that's too much to ask."
"The douche is almost literally dripping off him."
"I bet he's spraying himself with douche every single morning."
"......"
"Well, that sounded disgusting."
"The best part, however, is our non-affiliation with him, so we can just stand here saying this to his face."
"I agree. Being a douche doesn't prevent one from being eaten by monsters."
"He can only hope that his douchelacity becomes so intense that they'll throw him straight up again after chewing him but good."
"He'll look like a hilarious mess when he comes back, though."
"So, you guys hate his guts too?"
"Yep. And we've known him for five minutes."
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! WE'LL GO TO THE FREAKING TOWER! JEEZ!"
"Uh... like I said; thinking."
"You're a very loud thinker."
"Wow, seriously?"
"Tower, tower, where are you?"
"That's not a tower at all."
"It's a mad head."
"They look rather happy to me."
"I bet they just got paid, so they've been out drinking their sorrows away."
"They even included the outsider."
"There we go. Let's just get this over with. It's starting to resemble a job too damn much."
"The great big dungeon roundabout tour."
"When navigating dungeons, it's important to keep a cool head."
"Wrong! It's all about the burning hearts."
"Or heads."
"It's got a good head on its... uh... yeah, that joke went nowhere."
"Oh, my poor arthrisis."
"Has anyone seen my gums?"
"I can't feel my hips."
"You darn kids get off my lawn."
"Did we hit up the local retirement home instead?"
"Either that, or we just found the secret Hobos R Us; store for the homeless."
"Cleanup on aisle 3; rags, bottles, cardboard boxes."
"You kids today have no respect for your elders."
"Of course we do. That's why we're not going to hold back."
"What was that sound?"
"A bomb fell out of your pocket."
"Yeah. We really need to bomb-proof your pants. Otherwise, it might happen again."
"How do you even... actually, never mind. I don't wanna know what the deal is with the bomb-proof pants."
"The writing on the wall is being very cryptic."
"Nah, it just says 'bash it with your sword', because that's how most stuff works around here: applied violence."
"You're kidding!"
"If only. Seriously, we've been traversing this place by slashing it with his sword, shooting arrows on it or blown it up with bombs."
"It's a hard life."
"So, who thought we needed both arrows AND switches?"
"Nothing quite like complicating matters."
"Uh...."
"Someone's been getting ahead in life."
"Several times."
"It looks like the weirdest race ever. Neck and neck."
"So, where is the finish line."
"Wait, there are two of you? Or is that ten?"
"Well, we used to have only one head each, but then some idiot with a sword came along, and he hadn't heard about the hydra's special ability."
"I'll... uh, keep that in mind."
"Yeah. So that's why you should just let us eat you immediately. We don't want to have more mouths to feed."
"Sorry, but that's not an option."
"Well, if you can't chop off any heads, chop off the body, and the heads will follow."
"Funny how simple semantics can change the effects of a curse, even though you're technically doing the same thing."
"Long live the fine print."
"Assassins; now without speech impediments."
"I dunno... I think all contract killers could use a cute lisp."
"Death by moe."
"And samurai too. OUR NIPPON IS COMPLETE!"
"Why are they holding pieces of planks?"
"It really looks like that, doesn't it?"
"Redwood?"
"Wood of our ancestors."
"Chopped down with great honor."
"That doesn't look like a gun at all."
"It's not. It's a weapon for a scientist. So give it here."
"Only when you wrench it out of my cold, dead hands."
"....."
"I'm sorry. That was a bad pun."
"Yes, it was."
"Ah, another one of these. Well, except for those switches instead of the one-step sand, but whatever. This shouldn't be a challenge."
"Well, I certainly feel trial-ed."
"So, what does it mean that this key is a trial key? Can we only open the door once or twice? Does it run out after a set number of days?"
"We have to pay to unlock its full functions."
"Things to keep in mind if we ever go to the shareware dungeon."
*sigh* "Arrows and swords. Why did they have to make this thing so stupidly complicated?"
"And yet so easy. Just set the arrows to point towards each other, and you could flip those switches all day."
"DON'T TEMPT ME, WOMAN!"
"Oops. Forgot that you were fighting a heavy lever addiction."
"A what?"
"You... don't want to know."
"Oh, screw you, tower of trial."
"You wanted confusing? Well, that's your confusing right here."
"I never said I wanted it."
"Oh? Never mind, then."
"I would rather have a Shamu jewel. Then I could summon orca if we were fighting at sea."
"It's a musto."
"Well, that was really annoying, but at least we're at the top."
"If you ask me; that dungeon felt shorter than most of the ones we've been through so far."
"Both yes and no."
"Well... trial passed, I guess."
"We can only use this key three more times, though. After that, we have to pay so that we can use it again."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"I know, right?"
"Once, twice.... three times a Gades...."
"Well, aren't you quite the comedians?"
"You don't know the half of it."
"Actually, to make a wave, you have to move. Everyone has to. Otherwise, it won't work."
"Unless, of course, you were talking about that short movie where a whole school turned into Hitler's youth squad."
"You so chatty. I knew I should have extended my movement-inhibiting powers to your flappy lips too."
"Yes, yes. Let's just get this 'I could totally crush you now, but I'm going to wait until you're strong enough to take us down instead' thing over with."
"You must be the master of that room we just passed. The arrows were all over the place. It was total chaos."
"DON'T TRY TO DOWNPLAY MY CONTRIBUTION TO THIS!"
"Yes, yes. You're chaos incarnate. You probably never clean up your room and stuff."
"Why? Will the fanboys and girls get in the way?"
"Gnaargh! Don't you guys ever shut up?!"
"Nope."
"Well, screw you, then. I'm outta here."
"Pfft. That's how it always is. I bet that can be fixed with jucidious levelling and maybe some items."
"Nice attempt at creating dramatic tension, though."
"Pfft. You have no sense of these things at all."
"That's right. We came here for some stones, didn't we?"
"In more way than one, it seems."
"Ohoho, I smell cute childhood memories all over this."
"Well, it beats throwing rope segments and saying they're snakes, at least."
"Yeah, sure."
"Besides, we spent all the free uses we can get out of this key."
"You're still going on about that? What's next? Advance payments that let you have the key much earlier than other adventurers? Doors with coin slots that lets you bypass much of the tower?"
"Or extra enemies on the way out?"
"Minataurus, the bootleg Minotaurus."
"It's like a cheap non-Disney knockoff movie. A mockbuster."
"And they're even calling a skeleton a 'bone golem' instead. Long live technicalities."
"And the douche fails to listen. He was supposed to bring a stone. He sent a guy who knew what stone it was. Said guy returned with the stone. Douche is all 'THIS CANNOT BE'."
"Well, actually, the word was 'gem', but again... childhood memories."
"To get married to the woman you don't love?"
"Don't need to love a woman to put her on a pedestal and leave her to rot there."
"Yeah, but still... why?!"
"I guess he's aiming more for the 'half of the kingdom' half of the arrangement."
"Urgh! I know I like jewelry too, but this display just makes me feel ill."
"It's not the gemstone that's the problem here, Selan. It's the douche that comes with it."
"It's a bagful."
"You can sprinkle as much gold dust as you want on a piece of poopie; the stench is still there."
"Well, gee, it couldn't possibly be that thing we bought from the tower like we were asked to, right?"
"Guh! What is it with this place and gems? We already managed to escape ONE country of unbridled passion for meaningless riches, and now this. Could you possibly shatter my faith any quicker?"
"You found what now?"
"Hah! I knew it."
Surprised at this turn of events, our heroes -- sans Selan, technically -- could just stand there and marvel slackjawed at the display of cliche'd affection. Where does one go from there? Is there an inherent danger in doing something nice for a girl when you are both children? They all ponder this as they mentally prepare themselves for the next stretch of their journey.
"I wonder if this whole event would become really awkward if Hans had found himself another girl to fall in love with."
"I'm wondering how that stone could have ended up in a room in an enemy-infested tower if she cared for it so much. I get that she might have brought it with her, but that just leaves the question how the two of them aren't full of teeth and claw marks if they went to that tower in the first place. Especially if they were children."
"Eh, you're overthinking things. It's romantic. It's not supposed to make sense."
"Science. It has failed me again."
To be continued....
Onwards to the next chapter....
Back to the beginning....