Let's Play Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals.
Chapter 19: Hunting for Judas, my Love.
"Did you now? You, a soldier, had problems stopping a buearucrat?"
"No wonder this world's forces are completely borked. You guys couldn't even lift a sword with both hands. Not even one-handed swords."
"I got a one-handed sword... in my-"
"STOOOOP! Don't you dare finish that sentence, pervert boy."
"Look... we know where he is. Can we please just get this dungeon thing over with now?"
"That crab sure had a bone to pick with.... whoever that was."
"Many bones, from the look of things.
"Well, at least it hasn't gone hungry for quite some time."
"Good for it, because now it's time to die."
"How is that good?"
"Well... I'd hate to die on an empty stomach."
"Apparently, at least one person doesn't know what a body does when it's dying."
"I never thought I'd ever be the one to say this, but... STOOOOOP!"
"And of all the things YOU choose not to be ignorant about...."
"And one became three."
"Well, three is the magic number."
"Don't know what that's got to do with crabs, though."
"It's quite simple, actually. You do the magic number, you get crabs. It's an open and shut case."
"....."
"You... you..."
"What?!"
"I need a shower now."
"Guy, seriously... this is the sort of thing that will instill the pavlovian urge to punch you in the teeth every time you open your mouth."
"Oooh. You so tsundere."
"That's got absolutely nothing to do with this."
"GRAAAH! HULK SMASH HUGE JAR!"
"Gotta respect the guy who approaches every hands-on physical excertion as if he was lifting weights."
"Well, we've placed our jars, and the door has been opened. Let us delve deeper into the dungeon of lies and betrayal."
"Honey, it's not fair to blame the poor dungeon for the mistakes of the douchebag who walked through it."
"I will definitely do such a thing, seeing as we're forced to walk through it."
"You've been fairly quiet so far, Lexis. You don't have any thoughts on all this?"
"Oh, don't mind me. I'm having a splendid time listening to you all. It's a fascinating experience."
"Wow! Never thought I'd ever hear someone say THAT."
"Looks like someone isn't allowed on the blue carpet."
"Not that I don't think this dungeon couldn't use some decorating, but... flowers? Somehow, I don't see this place getting much sun."
"Well, look who's become all domestic and stuff."
"Don't look at me. I had nothing to do with that."
"Besides, that's rich, coming from the guy who wanted to go trekking just to pick some."
"Hey, I'll have you know I did that solely to impress the ladies."
"Suuuuuure."
"Like I said: fascinating."
"....."
"Um...."
"Sweet desert rose, each of her veils a secret promise."
"All that and a poet too. No wonder you're so popular with the ladies."
"Which is why it's so ironic, given that I don't really have much interest in either."
"I think Tia did, though."
"......"
"Well, that turned awkward real quick."
"Yeah, it's just..."
"No reason to feel bad. She had plenty of time to act on her feelings even before the two of them met you."
"Apparently, a lot has happened before I met all of you."
"Oh, you have NO idea."
"Well, that conversation kept the fight going for longer than it needed to."
"At least those flowers are all good and plucked now."
"So, what's next on our list? That lamia in the back there?"
"Um... or Ramia."
"Is that some kind of name."
"Is she... topless?"
"This is definitely another one of those 'guess the gender and win a prize' situations, isn't it?"
"Well, lamia are supposed to be female, aren't they?"
"We're entering weird fetish territory here, aren't we?"
"Looks like this fight'll take as long as the last one, huh?"
"Ah-yup."
"Well, prepare your ankles, ladies and gents, becase we got a fairly harsh drop on our hands."
"I ain't going head first."
"Mr. Literal strikes again. Though that would be hilarious to behold, come to think of it."
"You should totally try, Guy. Seriously. I mean.. you ARE the strongest of us all, right? That's what you always say."
"Yeah, but really... I'm not sure a cranial fracture is something I want to experience again."
"'Again', you say?"
"You mean to say you've tried that before?"
"No, I mean.. yes... I mean... it's all Jessy's fault."
"Well, that's our Mr. Romance for you."
"I... could actually see that happen. And I would probably laugh myself silly too."
"And in the next episode of 'what the the hell is going on...?'"
"We got spikes, we got flowers, we got long drops and we ain't got no bridges."
"And for some reason, all the buttons are on the floor. Can you imagine the unintentional tragedy if someone was to step on the button if someone else should walk over the bridge?"
"Well... at least pooping would get a lot easier, right?"
"And a lot more disgusting."
"Well, at least mummy's here to keep us safe."
"But who's gonna save us from mummy?"
"Hey, don't turn this into some kind of Kathy Bates/Psycho crossover, you unscientific people, you."
"So, what's YOUR scientific explanation for the presence of the undead?"
"We're... uh, still working on that."
"Oh, I'm sure you are."
"Well, it'd go a lot faster if I were willing to cast all sense of ethics aside, but I'm sure you people wouldn't want me to do that, right?"
"...point taken."
"And our prize for beating mummy was a cancer rock."
"That's... a really unsettling reward."
"Particularly given what kind of enemy we just fought. I mean... we just beat the cancer out of her, didn't we?"
"I can't even make jokes about that."
"So... uh, what does the cancer stone do? Or do we even want to know?"
"It... it makes cancer attacks. I just... wow."
"How does that even... work? Why would anyone..."
"So, what does science say about this?"
"KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE?!"
"Let's just... throw that stone away and forget it ever existed. This is getting too dark even for me."
"AAAANYWAY... with that unpleasant business out of the way, let's return to crushing pottery, stomping on buttons and killing every single being we come across."
"And let's do it for science."
"Well, here's our bridge."
"Let there not be any button-stomping now, please. I don't want any piercing in my bottom."
"The potential for trolling is pretty high, isn't it?"
"If this was an MMORPG, sure."
"A what now?"
"Um... never mind. Just a little something I'm working on to assist me in my studies on addiction."
"And here you said you had scruples."
"And speaking of scruples, how about blowing up some human remains?"
"Well, how else are we going to get to the button hiding suspiciously underneath it?"
"Moving it with our hands?"
"And since when did we gain the ability to do that?"
"Um... good question."
"Well, that's... one less needle in the haystack, I guess."
"Well, I don't think I need to do an experiment to figure out that it's easier to find a needle in a pile of needles than it is to find a needle in a haystack."
"Unless you're looking for a very specific needle. Then you're just looking to get your fingers pricked. A lot."
"Well, we can't all be perfect housewives."
"How the hell did we end up on the topic of housewives?"
"I blame it on you guys and your attention span."
"The bomb wins again."
"Why does the Earth Fruit look like a pair of... uh...."
"Nuts?"
"In a sense. Is this some kind of exotic delicacy or something?"
"Solve your impotence problem with Earth Nuts."
"Mummy... we meet again."
"We will not let you stand in our way, mummy."
"Scientific study has shown that mummy always knows best, though."
"As long as she doesn't give us canceOHGODWHYDIDIHAVETOMAKETHATJOKE?!"
"It's like the slowest, most evil poison spell ever."
"Damn it, Guy. We weren't supposed to go there."
"Let's just move away from the whole thing, post haste."
"Dum de dumGAH!"
"The wall. It has an eye?"
"Well, that's not creepy at all."
"It's staring at us."
"Problem solved!"
"Well, that was easy."
"Science says; if eyes are a problem, block view. Problem solved."
"I usually go for 'poke eyes out', but I guess a non-violent solution would work for a change too."
"I guess these are the 'piles' of needles."
"I want to slap someone with a dictionary. These are rows of spikes, not piles of needles."
"Even science demands accuracy."
"'Even science', you say?"
"Well... yeah. I mean... of course."
"Well... I guess that makes two buttons."
"We're going the rounds, giving everyone the blues."
"ANOTHER bridge?"
"We can't even SEE this switch from that bridge. I wonder if I'll get a panic attack while we cross it."
"Well, we should probably mentally prepare ourselves for spikes in the butt just in case."
"That's... conveniently close."
"And mummy won't interfere. Unless SHE would like some spikes in the bum."
"Well, let's post the crab guardian here, in case mummy chooses to follow us."
"I know science has an explanation for all of this, but right now, I'm too weirded out to think of one."
"Don't worry too much about it. Just let Mr. Crab's giant man hands handle it."
*sigh* "Well, that was..."
"Pointless?"
"Yeah, that too."
"Fury ribbon?"
"GRAAARGH! ME WANT TO LOOK PRETTY WHILE GOING BERSERK! SELAN SMASH BOTH HEARTS AND BODIES!"
"Yyyeah, that's... the rather odd vibe I got from it too."
"Would you like a nice Irish folk tune to go with that?"
"Well, let's blow up some more walls and get deeper into this mystery."
"All this work just to find one traitor. And just because the bastard locked the door behind him when he passed through."
"Is that a set of extendable floor tiles? This sure doesn't feel like a trap at all."
"BUT WE HAVE TO FALL FOR IT! IT IS OUR DESTINY!"
"What the.... is that a button suspended in mid-air? That's just cheating."
"Are we gonna have to poke some eyes to get to that one?"
"And who's that fabulously dressed dude in the back?"
"Well, he's... green-ish gray."
"But with a wonderfully blonde mop on his head."
"They look like a couple out walking their pet."
"Um... what? Is this one of those yaoi things?"
"What the hell is yaoi?"
*shrug* "I dunno."
"Yep. We are good and trapped."
"Well, no better time to do something relaxing to clear my mind, then."
"Um...."
"I guess there's nothing quite like gardening and eye-stabbing to get the little gray ones working, huh?"
"That's right. So, what does your science have to say about that?"
"...nothing you'd want to hear, I'd wager."
"Oh?"
"Well... I'm pretty sure most people don't appreciate being called sociopaths."
"Well, at least we got the switch down."
"Urgh! They're NOT piles of needles."
"Yyyyeah, we're going to have to let this one go. Take your frustrations out on James, whenever we reach the guy."
"CAN DO!"
"Key chest, we meet at last."
"If only we could jump!"
"Two switches and only one pushable block?"
"RRRRIDDLE ME THIS, BATMAN! MUHUHUHUHUH!"
"It's so nice to see that you can geek out on something other than your work, Professor Doctor."
"Well, we can't all be doing the gardening/eye-stabbing combo."
"Aha, so what we do here influences the other side. Well, then...."
"And we are done with the.... *sigh* ...PILES OF NEEDLES!"
"And we're one step closer to James, let's not forget."
"Technically, we're always one step closer to James, though."
"Nono. It only counts when we do something, like flicking switches or find keys."
"Technically, no, it doesn't. But whatever..."
"Staring contest.... won."
"And look: all the piles of needles are gone."
"You're saying that on purpose, aren't you?"
"I admit it; I was. But that helped you win the staring contest for us, didn't it? That poor Lamia literally wet herself when she went up against your murderous glare. I'm so proud."
"You people are all weirdos. And that's a scientific fact."
"Hmmm. Nothing up here."
"Guess we gotta face... whatever the hell's down there."
"Down there, over there, whatever the direction is."
"Oh noesh. We are about to be asashinated."
"Look out for their dangeroush shwordsh."
"And then we musht take thoshe flying lizardsh."
"Maybe someone should take them on a dait."
"A diet? They look skinny enough to me."
"No, I meant... never mind."
"Ohoho, you couldn't escape my piercing gaze, barely visible button."
"That's pretty cruel, though. Anyone not noticing that would search themselves crazy through this whole complex."
"Yeah. There'd be no end to all the grass chopped."
"What the hell is that on the bridge?"
"That don't look like no billygoat to me."
"Maybe it's the troll living underneath. And it ate all the goats."
"That really gets my goat."
"....."
"What?!"
"That's... actually maybe the first really creepy enemy we've faced so far."
"I'm actually worried for the first time ever about what kind of attacks it does."
"It's going to gaze into our souls, isn't it?"
"Or it laugh. Manically."
"Guh! That really IS creepy."
"Good thing it missed, huh, Lexis?"
"Yeah. I dodged a bullet there. A nasty, spine-quivering bullet."
"Bah! No bridge."
"And those partial walls are blocking my arrows, even though they're technically not tall enough."
"Well, at least we could just rip away that grating and jump down."
"That just leaves the question of why there is a grating OVER solid floor? Wouldn't the water drainage leave a bit of a problem below?"
"Not to worry. I'm sure they have plenty of buckets."
"Um... that's a temporary and kind of dumb solution for this obvious design flaw."
"Well, at least we got our bridge and switch access by arrow."
"We're going all the way... to the left."
"What the..."
"Oh my God!"
"I... have no words."
"Well, someone's having a rather juvenile sense of humor."
"We're going to have to touch it too."
"Ah, well, as much as it is a shame to ruin this icon of dirty male hilarity, we really need that arrow."
"Sorry, Minecraft pecker, but that's just how it goes."
"Looks like they really rolled out the welcome wagon here."
"The return of the asashin."
"We're shcrewed, aren't we?"
"Looks like Vlad the impaler lent his impaling device to the lizard dude too."
"So, here's a question; why would the Dankirk key open a door not in Dankirk?"
"The whole land is Dankirk. Not just the castle."
"The Dankirk Dungeons. Got a nice, sinister ring to it."
"Well, I'd say it would be a better fit for a door in the castle."
"But that would mean we wouldn't be able to open this door."
"Oh, for the love of... this is some busywork to traverse."
"And of course it's filled with those creepy, laughing ghost things."
"We're not going to be able to go through this without it sounding like a sitcom with warped audio, are we?"
"I'm sure Judas here is very Gratzeful."
"I've heard these people's Gratzitude is killer, though."
"I... have nothing else. Let's just beat the guy up to within an inch of his life now."
"Well, somebody's getting into this."
"To be honest, I'm feeling pretty eager about trouncing him myself right about now."
"I couldn't help but notice that my title was somewhat less impressive than yours, Mr. Might Guy."
"Shush. Don't break my flow."
"What the f.... you take that title and shove it straight up your sexist bum, you asshole. I'm MORE than just a wife."
"Yeah. You could at least call her Magical Wife Commander Selan."
"Why does 'wife' have to be a part of it? Yeah, I know I am one, but you guys don't exactly use HUSBAND in your title anywhere."
"Well, I'm... not married."
"Me neither."
"Well, I could use it, but... it sounds kind of dumb you know."
"I know, right?"
"How about we just ditch the stupid title thing and concentrate on the problem at hand?"
"Fine with me. How about you, my dear wife."
*sigh* "Whatever, husband."
"That job sounds a little more out of reach now. Doesn't it, James Judas?"
"Let the Lord of this farce come forward. Let justice be done upon his butt, posterior haste."
"I think he failed to notice the Klause in his contract."
"The betrayer got betrayed. Quite fitting, if you ask me."
The ruby idol was reposessed, and our heroes could return to Dankirk castle, safe in the knowledge that there would be no war today. But before all that, there was still one task left.
And unfortunately for you, the King is a kinky, kinky man."
"I would expect a lot of spanking."
"That is... if you're lucky. If not, expect a lot of experiments... with the knobbly equipment."
To be continued....
Onwards to the next chapter....
Back to the beginning....