And I feel nothing.....not sane

[wickedslayer]

I was like a shadow, a ghost haunting some random cabin in the desert of New Mexico. Did exactly what he told me to do and stayed the hell out of his way. Anytime he came into a room I was in, I just clung to the wall and moved to the next one, hopin' he'd be busy doin' whatever it was he did. Sometimes I heard him tinkering around in the kitchen,

Comments

[wickedslayer]

I narrowed my eyes again not trustin' him as far as I could throw him and at the same time I trusted him so fucking much. Because I knew him, ya know? Cause he saved me. Because he was a fucking psychotic asshole and he was the only thing I had left. He wanted to know about my first watcher? Why? Did he really care? It was weird cause I just wasn't used to anyone askin' me questions besides 'Do you have a cigarette I can bum?' or 'Did you do it?'.

"I dunno." I said with a shrug. "She was cool. Mean, I was only like fifteen when I met her. She just showed up one day and told me I had superpowers and the next thing I knew it was kinda like havin' a mom, ya know? Always lookin' after me and makin' sure I was doin' what I was supposed to do." Then Kakistos killed her. Prick that he was, and I thought I'd never meet anything scarier than Kakistos. Nasty cloven hand vamp with a rat face. Sometimes I still had nightmares about him.

He shifted under me suddenly and I tensed up waitin' for the beating to come except it didn't and he was just defensive. What? Didn't I have the right to get a little tense when I was layin' in bed with a serial killer? That was the thing though. He wasn't the only serial killer layin' on the bed. He just happened to be the larger one...and the older one. The one who'd apparently given up on redemption after becomin' human. Shit. Didn't exactly make a girl feel all confident about what I'd been doin' for the last few years. Hidin' away from the world. Wasn't even sure I knew how to live in it anymore.

"I know. It's okay." I said soothingly as I ran my hand through his hair again, my fingertips coming it back and then forward again soothingly.

[psycho_angelus]

The watcher had been more of a mother than her natural one. And that was snatched away by someone like me. Faith's hand moved through my hair and I felt my body slowly relax. She didn't want to talk about herself, fine. I'd talk about my favorite subject- me.

"It's different now. I adjusted to being like this, but I'm not used to it. At least you were human recently before being a slayer. Eating, breathing, walking in the sunlight, it was... not scary, though the first time I moved into the sun I thought I was going to burst into flames, like the humanity thing was some kind of trick from the damn Powers that Be. But when that didn't happen, it felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was free to do whatever the fuck I wanted."

I wondered how Angel was doing with his recent humanity. Probably off brooding somewhere. "Do you know what it's like having to stay in the shadows for so long and finally being able to move into the light? It's fucking glorious. Part of me is hoping this lasts for a very long time. He's not inside of me, bitching about what I'm doing. There's no soul to tell me what a naughty boy I am. It's just me for a change."

I was talking too much, but I really didn't care. She probably wasn't listening to all of it anyway. "I want to see everything, do everything, enjoy this while it lasts. And I want you to be with me while I'm doing it. I can't change who I am, but maybe you can help me control it. Faith, you're the only one who has ever made me relax like this."

[wickedslayer]

I knew a little something about hiding in the dark. After all, wasn't that what I'd been doin' in prison for so long? Hidin' in the dark, away from myself and the rest of the world? Except when you spend that long hiding in the shadows of your own mind you come to the realization that you are the only one around to think about. I was stuck with me and it took me a long fucking time to grapple with that fact. But now I was out, he'd taken me back out into that sunshine and until he ruined it with his hand clamped around my throat in the grass, I'd been happy. For that little space of time when I was sure it was him and not the other him he'd turned into. He'd fooled me on purpose. Now I wondered which one of us was selfish and I was sure it was him.

Frowning I watched him as he idly talked about seein' the whole world. I knew if anyone was gonna show it to me it'd be him. But he wanted me to embrace that old philosophy of want take have. How far away and close I felt to that girl. But he told me, I could help him control it. I couldn't change his crazy ass but I could help keep him under wraps. Not really sure how I was gonna do that other than buying an automatic weapon. Stealing. Buying. Not like I had cash. And I needed clothes that didn't suck. I'd kill for a pair of jeans and a tank or even better some leathers.

"She's gonna try and stop you." I said in the best none-threatening way I could muster. "I'm sorry I called her, you just....I was just scared." Could he blame me? I'd spent so long being strong only to have him bully me into submission. When the guards used to do it at least I knew I was takin' it for a reason. Also the knowledge that I could wipe the floor with them at any given time was a comfort. Now the tables had turned on me completely and I had nothing. Nothing except for him, and the faint possibility of keepin' his ass in check.

It was way too big a job for me to take on, but who the hell else was gonna do it? Sighing I dropped my chin so it rested on the top of his head.