And I feel nothing.....not sane

[wickedslayer]

I was like a shadow, a ghost haunting some random cabin in the desert of New Mexico. Did exactly what he told me to do and stayed the hell out of his way. Anytime he came into a room I was in, I just clung to the wall and moved to the next one, hopin' he'd be busy doin' whatever it was he did. Sometimes I heard him tinkering around in the kitchen,

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[wickedslayer]

Resting my head back on the pillow I looked down at my chest where he had nested his head. His arm wrapping around me and pulling him to me as he rested the upper part of his body against me. One hand tentatively reached out and began circling patterns along the flesh of his back. Just needed to keep him calm, keep him calm so I could be calm too. That was how this worked. I could be calm, he could be calm. Everything was gonna be okay, fucking fine. Just had to be good.

Running my hand up along his back I let it tangle in his hair as I worked my fingers through gently. Just like I'd done that first night in the hotel room. That little bit of reprieve from the nightmare that was just beginning. But now the nightmare could be partially over. I'd already escaped the first circle of hell and that was always the worst one. Because you had to get used to it, they had to break you in.

Then I remembered that he'd wanted me to talk to him. About what? I was always afraid that anything I'd say would set him off. Now he wanted to get chatty with it? Suddenly I felt a sort of stage fright settle in as I swallowed hard over the lump in my throat. I could tell him all the fucked up and depraved shit I'd ever done. That might entertain him, after all I'd listen to him talk about Dru and Darla and Spike and all the other sick fucks he used to pal around with all the time. All the shit they used to do together. That musta been nice, kinda like a big evil family. It struck me that maybe that was why he'd been lookin' for me. Family.

"It's so weird. Only spent a couple years with superpowers but now that they're gone? I can't remember what life was like before them. Who I used to be, how I used to live. I can't remember it at all. Just bits and pieces. Do you remember being human the first time?" I asked him curiously, mostly tryin' to steer the conversation back to him.

[psycho_angelus]

I kept my eyes closed while her hand moved along my back and in my hair. It was... soothing. She couldn't remember what it was like before being a slayer? That was interesting. How many years were just a blur for her then? Fourteen? I sighed, thinking about my own life.

"I remember more from the night I was turned than when I was still alive, but there are bits and pieces. My real name, the color of my favorite horse, what I got my youngest sister for her very last birthday. My old self... he was a drunk, had money and didn't care what he did. Usually just did shit to piss father off."

Openning my eyes, I looked up at her face but made no effort to move. "Killed them all. Family, friends, and most the village when I was turned. He still feels guilty about that shit. It was over two hundred years ago, let it fucking drop. There's only so long you can sit in the corner and brood. He's a big baby. Oh, woe is I for I used to be a bad ass vampire and do evil things, I should whip myself with a wet noodle." I snorted.

"If you can;t remember your past, your future is usually fucked. Have to learn from your mistakes, build on what you've accomplished, and figure out what you're really good at. I'm not who I used to be when I was human before, I'm better now." A lot better.

Reaching up, I ran my finger along her jaw. "You only remember what it's like being a slayer? There has to be something good in your past from before then. Something that kept you going before you were called. Things were bad when you grew up, weren't they? I can tell. You try to block parts of it out, but I bet they came back to you when you were locked up, didn't they?" Don't push her, she's still being nice, you set her over the edge, things won't be good any more.

[wickedslayer]

I turned my eyes away from him when he asked me if bein' locked in the trunk brought it all back for me. All those nights of mom gettin' pissed and throwin' my ass in the closet. Sometimes I just hid on there on my own cause mom was fightin' with one of her boyfriends. Then a few hours later I'd hear her pass out after he beat the shit out of her and then he'd come for me. He'd call to me through the doorway of the closet. Promise he wasn't gonna hurt me if all I did was come out like a good girl. Always so bad at bein' good. And it always hurt. No matter how good I was. I wondered if this was just repeating some fucked up cycle I couldn't escape.

His fingertips still traced my jaw as I finally glanced back down at him. Was he really waitin' for an answer on that one? Suddenly I was kinda pissed at him cause he was pushin' me back into this direction when we were supposed to keep things nice. Cept he wasn't really nice, never would be. Not this version of him. Angelus. Not Angel. I kept forgetting that. Angel's body but not Angel.

"There was good stuff." I said with a shrug. "There was Kate, my first watcher. But besides that...I don't really remember. Don't wanna remember. Why are you tryin' to remind me?" I demanded, pulling my chin out of his grip.

Sure, it hadn't escaped my notice that I'd been the one to steer the conversation in this direction but now he was just tryin' to goad me. Shoulda known it wouldn't take him long to go back to provoking me again. This would never work. He was gonna keep provoking me, I was gonna keep pissin' him off and he'd keep smackin' me down. Over and over and over again.

[psycho_angelus]

There's that anger again. Never too far from the surface, is it? She so much like me, that part of the reason I got her out of jail. I gave her a small smile. "Because I'm an asshole." I'd told Faith you had to figure out what you were good at, and that was one of my skills. Find a weakness and poke the hell out of it until the person snapped. It was usually fun.

Need to behave myself, get her calmed back down so I stay calm too. "Your first watcher, what was she like?" I'd only known a couple of them and for the most part, they'd both been stuckup British assholes. Wes had changed though, lost most of that 'holier than thou because I have all this knowledge in my head and like to drink tea' attitude after a while.

I shifted around on her body, making myself a bit more comfortable and I felt her body stiffen under me. Faith probably thought I was going to do something because she got all pissy, but it could wait. "I am trying to be nice here, it's just not something I'm used to doing." At all. That was something Angel did, and the only reason he did it was because of that stupid soul. Otherwise he was just like me.

[wickedslayer]

I narrowed my eyes again not trustin' him as far as I could throw him and at the same time I trusted him so fucking much. Because I knew him, ya know? Cause he saved me. Because he was a fucking psychotic asshole and he was the only thing I had left. He wanted to know about my first watcher? Why? Did he really care? It was weird cause I just wasn't used to anyone askin' me questions besides 'Do you have a cigarette I can bum?' or 'Did you do it?'.

"I dunno." I said with a shrug. "She was cool. Mean, I was only like fifteen when I met her. She just showed up one day and told me I had superpowers and the next thing I knew it was kinda like havin' a mom, ya know? Always lookin' after me and makin' sure I was doin' what I was supposed to do." Then Kakistos killed her. Prick that he was, and I thought I'd never meet anything scarier than Kakistos. Nasty cloven hand vamp with a rat face. Sometimes I still had nightmares about him.

He shifted under me suddenly and I tensed up waitin' for the beating to come except it didn't and he was just defensive. What? Didn't I have the right to get a little tense when I was layin' in bed with a serial killer? That was the thing though. He wasn't the only serial killer layin' on the bed. He just happened to be the larger one...and the older one. The one who'd apparently given up on redemption after becomin' human. Shit. Didn't exactly make a girl feel all confident about what I'd been doin' for the last few years. Hidin' away from the world. Wasn't even sure I knew how to live in it anymore.

"I know. It's okay." I said soothingly as I ran my hand through his hair again, my fingertips coming it back and then forward again soothingly.

[psycho_angelus]

The watcher had been more of a mother than her natural one. And that was snatched away by someone like me. Faith's hand moved through my hair and I felt my body slowly relax. She didn't want to talk about herself, fine. I'd talk about my favorite subject- me.

"It's different now. I adjusted to being like this, but I'm not used to it. At least you were human recently before being a slayer. Eating, breathing, walking in the sunlight, it was... not scary, though the first time I moved into the sun I thought I was going to burst into flames, like the humanity thing was some kind of trick from the damn Powers that Be. But when that didn't happen, it felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was free to do whatever the fuck I wanted."

I wondered how Angel was doing with his recent humanity. Probably off brooding somewhere. "Do you know what it's like having to stay in the shadows for so long and finally being able to move into the light? It's fucking glorious. Part of me is hoping this lasts for a very long time. He's not inside of me, bitching about what I'm doing. There's no soul to tell me what a naughty boy I am. It's just me for a change."

I was talking too much, but I really didn't care. She probably wasn't listening to all of it anyway. "I want to see everything, do everything, enjoy this while it lasts. And I want you to be with me while I'm doing it. I can't change who I am, but maybe you can help me control it. Faith, you're the only one who has ever made me relax like this."

[wickedslayer]

I knew a little something about hiding in the dark. After all, wasn't that what I'd been doin' in prison for so long? Hidin' in the dark, away from myself and the rest of the world? Except when you spend that long hiding in the shadows of your own mind you come to the realization that you are the only one around to think about. I was stuck with me and it took me a long fucking time to grapple with that fact. But now I was out, he'd taken me back out into that sunshine and until he ruined it with his hand clamped around my throat in the grass, I'd been happy. For that little space of time when I was sure it was him and not the other him he'd turned into. He'd fooled me on purpose. Now I wondered which one of us was selfish and I was sure it was him.

Frowning I watched him as he idly talked about seein' the whole world. I knew if anyone was gonna show it to me it'd be him. But he wanted me to embrace that old philosophy of want take have. How far away and close I felt to that girl. But he told me, I could help him control it. I couldn't change his crazy ass but I could help keep him under wraps. Not really sure how I was gonna do that other than buying an automatic weapon. Stealing. Buying. Not like I had cash. And I needed clothes that didn't suck. I'd kill for a pair of jeans and a tank or even better some leathers.

"She's gonna try and stop you." I said in the best none-threatening way I could muster. "I'm sorry I called her, you just....I was just scared." Could he blame me? I'd spent so long being strong only to have him bully me into submission. When the guards used to do it at least I knew I was takin' it for a reason. Also the knowledge that I could wipe the floor with them at any given time was a comfort. Now the tables had turned on me completely and I had nothing. Nothing except for him, and the faint possibility of keepin' his ass in check.

It was way too big a job for me to take on, but who the hell else was gonna do it? Sighing I dropped my chin so it rested on the top of his head.