And I feel nothing.....not sane
I was like a shadow, a ghost haunting some random cabin in the desert of New Mexico. Did exactly what he told me to do and stayed the hell out of his way. Anytime he came into a room I was in, I just clung to the wall and moved to the next one, hopin' he'd be busy doin' whatever it was he did. Sometimes I heard him tinkering around in the kitchen,
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I wanted to lash out at him, slash my fingernails down his face and make him bleed. But the truth was I didn't think I could move just yet if I wanted to.
"I'll behave!" I quickly announced as he started to close the lid again. Fuck. I hated him so much, but we both knew that B was gonna get here sooner or later and then it was gonna be time for judgement. He was gettin' his ass spanked....because hopefully she'd be smart and bring weapons and lots of people. A whole fucking army, right?
She is coming, you son of a bitch. Couldn't believe I'd even felt bad for him earlier. For hurting him. Now the ball was back in my court after I'd just gotten a little glimpse of bein' in control.
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I opened the lid the rest of the way, watching as she tried to move and couldn't. Aw, had someone been locked up for too long? The tiniest violin in the world is playing a sad song just for you. "I know where I put the keys." I gave her a very tiny smile. "I'd love to lock you back inside of this and just leave, but I know you'd die before Buffy ever got around to showing up with her little friends."
Leaning inside, I reached out and took Faith's hand, helping her to sit up. "The next time you attack me, you'd better make sure I'm dead. If you do something like you did before... I'll cut your fucking arms and legs off and stick you back inside off this." Bet there was a hacksaw somewhere in this cabin.
If Buffy really was coming, and she brought enough people, I'd be in serious shit. Maybe I should get out of here before that happens. But I don't want to leave faith here. "When I get the keys, I think I'll hit the road again. Things to do, people to murder, need to track down your mother and gut her like a fucking trout."
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"What?" I asked snidely. "Am I supposed to cry about that or something? Bitch was as bad as you." I snickered a little bit. "Maybe you two should hook up."
As soon as I said it I watched his expression get angry again and thought about how I was sittin' in a fucking trunk! Did I really wanna get locked up in there again? Hell no. It wasn't worth it to mouth off to him right then and there, no matter how badly I wanted to.
"Sorry." I instantly backtracked lettin' my eyes trail down to the floor as I tilted my chin down. "I'm sorry, didn't mean it." Shit. Shit. Shit. Somehow I didn't think sorry was gonna cut it for beating the holy fuck outta him earlier.
Where was B? I needed her ass to get down here now. But somewhere? Deep down inside? I knew she wasn't gonna get here in time.
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Before I could stop myself, my hands reached out, wrapping around that throat of hers. If her arms and legs were more awake, she might have a chance to get my fingers loose. But right now? Not a fucking chance in hell. Started to tighten my grip, and I didn't even realize I was yelling until she started to turn red.
"Fucking little bitch, think you can just kick my ass and not pay for it later? No one hurts me, no one makes me ache and bleed, not even you." Let go of her before she dies, Angelus. Maybe I wanted her to die. Maybe I was tired of this and I wouldn't be able to make her into what I wanted. She was too much like me, and it wasn't going to work. "Wanted you to come with me, wanted you to be my fucking partner, but you keep screwing it all up!"
Her face was purple now and I watched as Faith's eyes rolled up in her head. What was I doing? I let go and heard her take a raspy breath. She didn't wake up though. Shouldn't have done that, should have controled myself. Rubbed my hand over my face and looked down at her. I couldn't let Buffy have her, and I didn't want to lock her up in the car trunk either.
Sighing, I lifted her body out of the trunk and set her on the left side of the bed while I pulled the covers down. Laying Faith's body out, I covered her up, then inspected her throat. Made sure I hadn't broken her windpipe, but it looked bruised. Walked out to the kitchen, grabbing some ice. While I was in there, I took out the car keys, sticking them in my pocket.
I came back and sat next to her, rubbing the ice over the bruises gently. When her eyes finally opened again, I gave her a small smile. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, but I couldn't stop. I just couldn't. You just pissed me off so much again." I looked down the bed at my bruised feet before meeting her gaze.
"I'm going to give you a choice , Faith. I can leave you here right now, out in the middle of nowhere, and you can hope that Buffy does show up before you run out of food or..." I trailed off, having to turn my eyes away because when I asked this, I didn't want to see the lie, not this time. She wouldn't want to do it. No matter how much I hurt her, she wasn't going to do what I wanted.
"Or you can come with me. Can't stay here, there's too much risk now. I won't go back inside of him. I won't. You don't have any reason to come with me, I know that, I'd just like some company." Boy, you sound sad. Just get off the bed and leave now before she answers. I sighed. "I'll be leaving in the morning, still going east. Always wanted to see the country in the daylight."
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When my eyes finally opened I sucked in a mouthful of air, and stayed still on the bed. It took me a minute to realize that he was tenderly rubbing ice over my bruised throat. How many times was this goin' to happen to me? And now he was all apologetic and nice and makin' me feel wicked bad for him. Seriously, manic depressive didn't even begin to cover his mood swings. Shoulda remembered, shoulda known it wouldn't last long. He'd have the upper hand again.
Then he said that thing he always said which made my blood freeze in my veins. A choice. Yeah right, there never was such a thing as a choice. There was his way or the highway, also known as ridin' my ass all the way to wherever the fuck in the trunk. If he was serious about goin' to Boston, I wasn't lookin' forward to spending that long trip in the trunk. Shit. I didn't know what to do.
He looked all sad and kinda lonely which tugged at my heart again. It wasn't fair, that he could look so sad like Angel could. I had to remember, he was Angel....just mean. Crazy. Evil. Whatever you wanted to call it. Maybe he just needed...what? Me? Nobody ever needed me, I was just the fuck up. But it was curious how he would suddenly quiet down when I was touching him all soft and gentle and so not me like. Why didn't he go to B for that lovey dovey shit? This ain't up my alley, and that was for damn sure. But he was....Angel. He saved me.
Still, on the road with a psychopath or waitin' on B? Not much of a choice there at all.
I didn't know how to answer him because he was so fucking unpredictable. One answer could set him off today and the other one five minutes from now. Fuck.
"B can help me get my slayer powers back." Not that I was one hundred percent sure of that, but I figured she'd be a better bet than Soul Boy here. And I realized I hadn't exactly answered his question, his choice, whatever.
Okay, was that bad? It was hard to tell. Instantly I pulled myself up right and slid away from him lookin' at him through wide eyes. One hand reached up and rubbed my sore throat as I kept my eyes on him. He'd been beating the crap out of me for days, but at least he hadn't put me into a nine month coma like Buffy had. Fuck. I didn't know what was right, or what to do. At all. Confused.
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"You talked to her Faith, did she say anyhing about having her powers back?" From the look on her face, I'd say that was a big, fat 'no'. My voice was very low and I could hear the anger starting to creep into it. "Why would she want to help you? Think about it for a second. If she gets her powers back and you don't, then she'll finally have her wish to be the one and only Slayer again."
My hand came loose from the sheets and I set it next to me. I wanted to her to touch me, calm my ass down before I did something else, but I knew she wouldn't. Faith would say or do something and then she'd be bleeding again. "You're stronger than she is, Faith. You've been through a lot more and keep surviving it. The things I've done to you? Buffy never would have lived through it. Fuck, she never would have made it to this cabin. But you did." Buffy would have been dead before we made it out of California.
"Where was she when you were in jail? Did she ever come to visit? Or check up on you to make sure some bitch hadn't put another knife through your gut to match the scar she put there?" No, she hadn't. "She left you to rot knowing that you didn't have any powers. Just left you. And that's the person you're waiting for? Do you expect her to come riding in on a white horse, sweep you off your feet and take you to a place where the demons and vampires still exist?"
I laughed for a moment. "It won't happen. If she does show up, they'll just use you for something, just like the last time around. You'll probably be the bait to catch me. 'Here she is Angelus, come and get her'. Will they pull me off of you before it's too late, or will they wait til your eyes roll up in your head first? Just waiting until the last possible second so you can pay for what you've done to them in the past."
I couldn't read her expression at all, but I was almost done. She would make a choice and if she didn't get in the car with me in the morning, then that was it. "They don't care about you Faith, they never have. I saved you from jail, I take care of the damage done to your skin, even if I was the one to inflict it, and I'm here with you right now. Where are they? Having fun out in California... without you. Did she say she would come after she found out I was here? Guess I know which of us is more important to her."
Rubbed my temple before speaking again. My head was starting to pound. I needed to get more of those drugs into my system, unwind a little before I snapped again. "I know I've put you through hell, broken your body and spirit countless times, but I haven't killed you. I haven't put you into a coma, and I don't plan on tying you up any more. You're stonger now, I won't do it. Maybe I can get a better grip on my rage, though I don't think that's going to happen."
A tiny little smile crossed my lips. "I care about you Faith, and if you don't want to come with me in the morning, fine. It's your choice. But I know how she's going to treat you if she bothers to show up. She'll remind you what your place is in her world. Think her friends are going to be all 'Poor Faithy, lost her powers?' or will they take the chance for some revenge? Think about it."
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Still, I didn't trust him. So many things battling out underneath my skin and I was smart enough to know that I didn't have a choice. He wanted me to make a choice, his choice. If I didn't give him an answer he liked I'd end up dead or worse. Locked up in the trunk again. When I behaved he was so nice. Bad Faith. Stupid Faith. Faith, why do you always have to screw everything up? Faith, why can't you ever be good? Stupid bitch. Fucking bitch.
Shaking my head I took a deep breath before tilting my chin up and looking into those dark eyes again. He hurt me, but he never left me. Always stayed with me, never gave up on me. Even when I was so very bad. I'd hurt him. His feet. Bad. Bad. Bad Faith. Already been hurt so much. Bein' a normal human was makin' him crazy. I had to help him. B couldn't do it, he didn't
He was right. Always right, Angel was. If B showed up I would just go back to bein' second place again even though neither of us were slayers. He was offering me something more, a place in the world. But....he was crazy. He kept killin' people. He couldn't do that. It was...bad. Wrong. Bad. Maybe he just needed help, like I'd needed help way back when. He'd helped me then. Why was I so selfish? Stupid. Stupid.
Tentatively I reached a hand out, my eyes never leaving his at first. Then my eyes focused on his chest when it didn't look like he would lash out at me again. Pressing the palm of my hand against his chest I felt his thumping beneath the surface. He was so real. Way more real than I'd ever been. Being human must've really fucked with him hardcore. He wasn't right, but I could help him. I'd make him right again. I just had to behave. I was always so bad at behaving. Bad Faith.
"I'm sorry." I said sincerely, almost like I could feel his pain, his loneliness. Because I did, it was the same as mine. Always caged up like an animal. "I'll go with you." I had to go with him, because Buffy couldn't help him. I had to do it. Just needed to stop bein' so selfish for five minutes. He was in pain, he needed help. I could help him. "I'll try to be good. It's just so hard."
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She was touching the skin so gently that I could barely feel it. At the same time there was a great deal of weight behind those slim fingers. My eyes closed for a moment and I let my body relax completely. I felt... content. Made me want to fucking purr. Wouldn't Soulboy get a laugh out of that?
Opened my eyes again when she said she was sorry. I couldn't hear any traces of a lie. Faith actually meant it. Before I said anything, she agreed to come with me. It would take Buffy and her friends a couple of days to get here if they drove and at a day if they flew. We could leave in the morning without worrying about running into them.
I glanced down at the hand that was still on my chest before meeting her eyes again. I don't think Faith knew what her touch did to me. "Don't move your hand." I slowly moved closer, waiting to see if she would flinch or try to get off the bed before I ended up sitting next to her. The calm was still there, so for the moment, she was safe.
My own hand came up, tracing over the bruises on her neck before brushing a lock of hair from her face. "I know it's hard. Nothing is ever easy." Her fingers shifted slightly on my chest, making me sigh. "Do you have any idea what that does to me?" I saw confusion on her face and managed to keep myself from giggling.
"No one has ever calmed the rage before. Not Darla, not Buffy. You're the only one who can touch me like this and make it all go away." I leaned back against the wall and she didn't move her hand. "That makes you very special, Faith."
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My breath hitched in my throat when he gently brushed his fingertips over the sore flesh there. For a second I was afraid again, but I made it go away. I wasn't being bad so he wouldn't hurt me. I was doing what he wanted, I was helping him. He seemed so calm now, just with my hand on his chest like that.
He asked me if I had any idea what it did to him when I touched him. I had an idea, a vague one but I shook my head no anyway because I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to hear it from his lips so I could know that it wasn't just in my imagination. Not just in my crazy head, and yeah I could start to feel that slip in myself. I didn't care, I knew I'd follow Angel down to hell and back if it came down to it. Only one who never gave up on me.
Couldn't help but glow slightly under his praise. It was better than stupid bitch. Fucking stupid bitch. No, I wasn't a stupid bitch, I was special. He just said it. The only one that could understand him. Even B couldn't understand and that was why he'd come to me. For help.
"I'll make it all go away." I promised him, stretching out my fingertips so more of my hand was touching more of him. Pivoting slightly on the bed I positioned myself so I was just under his arm, wrapping my whole arm around him again like I did the other night before scooting up slightly.
"Make it all go away." I repeated as if it were the mantra repeating itself slowly in my head so that everything would make sense. "It'll go away." I whispered, my lips against his before I pressed them to his slightly, gently. Not like I'd ever kissed anybody else before. I was used to hard and fast, but I was trying to be nice. Trying to be good for him, kill the monster that still lived inside.
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My eyebrows went up a little as Faith kissed me. It was different than the other times, softer and I could tell that she cared. She was trying to make things better, not just to keep me from hurting her again, but to help relax my body. She was taking all the rage away. I couldn't even feel it lurking in the shadows. It would be back, but for now, she was keeping it in check.
She started to pull back and I let my tongue run over her bottom lip first. My hand came up, stroking her hair as I looked into Faith's eyes. She wasn't scared any more, or if there was any fear, she'd locked it all away, deep inside. As long as I was calm, she would be safe. We both understood that now.
"Have you ever been nice and good like this before?" Somehow I doubted it. Didn't think anyone got to see her like this, and that made something inside of me tingle. I wanted to take back the bruises on her throat. They looked ugly against her pale skin. "Can you feel how relaxed I am? I've never been like this before. You did this."
I gave Faith a smile as my hand slid down her back. Knew she was bruised so I didn't add much pressure to it. "You're doing a good job, Faith. Can barely feel it now, you chased the rage away." I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers before kissing her like she'd kissed me. "Keep touching me, make it stay away for a while." Help me to stay relaxed. I was actually starting to enjoy the way this felt.
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I was doin' this and he was lettin' me, helpin' him just the way he'd wanted me to from the beginning. I just hadn't understood then. Of course, he did start us out by threatening me in the grass right after we'd fucked. His fault, he started it. Looking into his eyes again, I took a deep breath and remembered. I had to be good, so he could get better. So I could help him. Leaning down, strands of dark hair brushed against his bare chest as my lips made a trail up, up his neck, leaving kisses on his jawline before landing on his lips again.
I could feel his hands tracing small circles over my back before he started to gently pull the shirt I had on over my head. Straddling him now, I pressed myself into him, his arms around me, my lips pressed to his.
"Is this better?" I asked him quietly, but I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was already better. Course he was, he had a hot practically naked chick on his lap. How could it not be better? "I won't be bad." I whispered, between pressing my lips to his. "I'll be so....good...so fucking good." The kiss got more heated and intense as I began to lightly grind down on him. Wanted it, wanted him, wanted to help him. I'd never give up on him, not like everyone else always gave up on me.
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It would be so easy to hurt her, to squeeze my fingers around the bruises until she cried out in pain. But at the moment, I didn't want to. Faith kissed me again, harder than before, but still being nice. My hand slid up and down her spine, almost caressing the flesh while she moved on me. She's mine. I can do whatever I want with her and she'll take it. So much stronger than Buffy will ever be.
I kissed her again, not pulling away until we needed air. It wasn't enough, I wanted more. "You're good. You're so very good, and you're mine." My hands started to roam over her flesh, being very careful as it explored the still tender areas. "Want to fuck you, Faith. But you need to keep touching me, I don't want to hurt you right now. You need to keep me like this. You're the only one who can do it."
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The need drove me on as I deftly pulled us both free of our clothing. He was lettin' me take control, needed me to love him. Could feel his heart beating wildly underneath his chest as he pushed his way into me. I straddled him lightly at first and then began to pump up and down a little faster as the expression on his face changed. He did say he wanted to fuck me, and I was fucking him. Same thing in my book. His lips fell open in a groan and I captured it with my mouth, my tongue moving into his mouth and across blunted teeth.
Was gentle. So fucking gentle I didn't think I could ever be this gentle. Ignoring aching muscles I clenched down over him, and let my hands slowly explore the skin on his chest and shoulders, fingernails scraping lightly across them as I sat up straight and threw my head back and swallowed hard. This wasn't insistant like in the grass and I only hoped that this time it wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass. I was bein' good, told him. Told him I'd be so fucking good.
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