It's a conspiracy!
Today my parents came over for a few hours. They helped me with some apartment stuff and we had some "fika". We were sitting talking, but right before they left to go home, my dad started asking these weird questions. I don't really remember exactly how he said it, but the gist was "aren't you gonna find someone?" ("someone" meaning a boyfriend).
I simply told him that it's not something I am actively looking for, nor longing for. I can manage fine on my own thank you. I'm not saying "NO!" to the possibility of a relationship for all eternity, I don't think, but I'm not on a hunt. I see no reason to be. If love decides to find me, I might take it for a ride, but I can also decline, if that is what I think is best at the time. Am I supposed to believe that I am incomplete as a person if I don't have someone to call "my own"? (And you never really OWN a person anyways.) Am I supposed to feel like a loser, that I'm not worth anything unless I have a person by my side whom I can introduce to everyone I know as "this fellow here has chosen me over everyone else!" WTF? I mean honestly, I'd much rather be remembered through the things I have accomplished in life, than through people I exchanged body fluids with. XP
This really reminded me of what my dad said 10 years ago, when I was 16. It was on a Friday night and he said "aren't you going out to do something", (he meant partying or something), "don't you have any friends?" Back then, most of my friends were online, and they still are, but I do meet my friends a hell of a lot more now than I ever have before. I felt really offended by that question then and what he said today offended me as well. I asked if they were feeling stressed, that I'm getting older and that I'm alone. (Ooh, I'm an old spinster, heaven forbid!) Mom said that she was not feeling stressed at all, and although she did not chime in with dad this time around, she has said some stuff on her own. Over the phone a couple of times, she has said, with a weird, dreamy sort of voice, and sounding as though she is stepping on egg shells, trying not to offend me, that perhaps I will "find someone". Like it's some sort of hidden treasure...
I guess you could say I am fairly normal, but actually, I would call myself "weird normal". I'm not like most people, I don't value some things that you are supposed to value. Like kids, marriage and stuff like that. I like having a home where I call the shots, where I am the boss and where I don't have to compromise with someone other than myself.
My dad somehow mentioned that maybe I could find someone that shares my interest of games. Well, there are tons of guys who are into games, and I have met several of them, who have liked me simply for me being a girl who games. That doesn't really cut it though, does it? And then my dad mentioned something about the economy being easier to handle when you are in a couple (actually I think that's what started this whole thing, talking about money) and I guess that can be the case sometimes, but if all I really cared about was money, I would have done an Anna-Nicole Smith a long time ago.
Urgh, this is just stupid and it makes me feel... attacked. Questioned. Like someone's staring at me and going "what's wrong with you?" I know that my dad loves me unconditionally, and I know he only wants what's best for me, but he does lack tact from time to time.
The thing is (and I hate myself for writing this) - I hate what I become when I like someone. (At least this is how I was in the past, but it was 4 years since my last serious relationship and 2 years since my last fling, so maybe I have changed, I don't know.) All clingy and needy and I forget all about myself. Like I'm completely absorbed by this other person and my needs and wants are just thrown out the window. And constantly worrying about being perfect, being enough for this (in my mind) perfect being who I don't deserve. This is what I thought of the people back then, and most of them were bastards anyways! I just lose sight of everything, and basically my whole life goes in the gutter when it happens. And I HATE that. And I DON'T WANT that! I don't wanna be someone who can't speak her mind, that can't stand her ground, that's just takes lies and mistreating lying down! I WON'T HAVE IT!
Maybe there are great things when it comes to love and relationships, I don't know, I haven't really experienced it myself! But it just pisses me off, most of the time, the whole love thing. "Since we met, we do everything as one person. I have no life of my own. I am his bitch and sex-slave."
WHAT. THE. FUCKING. FUCK?! >____<
I don't like to feel uncertain, I don't like to be constantly wondering what another human being is thinking about me, I do that enough as it is! I don't wanna feel forced to change who I am, I don't wanna worry about doing something wrong all the time. >_< It fucking freaks me out.
And does everyone really have to end up in a relationship? With 2 kids, a house, a Volvo, and a life where the woman works full-time and does most of the housework and gets no credit for it? Life can be about other things! If I wanna dedicate myself to RPGs and game music, that is MY CHOICE alone and I should not have to be judged for it, nor pitied. Last time I checked, we lived in a free country!
Sorry, I'm getting a bit frustrated as I'm writing this. I can take the standard co-worker question "so how's your love-life going?" (as if it's any of their business...) but when being asked questions like these, by a parent, it just... it throws me.
-----
I have played a shitload of MKW today. And now I'm gonna go play some more (which could be shortened to "s'more").
I simply told him that it's not something I am actively looking for, nor longing for. I can manage fine on my own thank you. I'm not saying "NO!" to the possibility of a relationship for all eternity, I don't think, but I'm not on a hunt. I see no reason to be. If love decides to find me, I might take it for a ride, but I can also decline, if that is what I think is best at the time. Am I supposed to believe that I am incomplete as a person if I don't have someone to call "my own"? (And you never really OWN a person anyways.) Am I supposed to feel like a loser, that I'm not worth anything unless I have a person by my side whom I can introduce to everyone I know as "this fellow here has chosen me over everyone else!" WTF? I mean honestly, I'd much rather be remembered through the things I have accomplished in life, than through people I exchanged body fluids with. XP
This really reminded me of what my dad said 10 years ago, when I was 16. It was on a Friday night and he said "aren't you going out to do something", (he meant partying or something), "don't you have any friends?" Back then, most of my friends were online, and they still are, but I do meet my friends a hell of a lot more now than I ever have before. I felt really offended by that question then and what he said today offended me as well. I asked if they were feeling stressed, that I'm getting older and that I'm alone. (Ooh, I'm an old spinster, heaven forbid!) Mom said that she was not feeling stressed at all, and although she did not chime in with dad this time around, she has said some stuff on her own. Over the phone a couple of times, she has said, with a weird, dreamy sort of voice, and sounding as though she is stepping on egg shells, trying not to offend me, that perhaps I will "find someone". Like it's some sort of hidden treasure...
I guess you could say I am fairly normal, but actually, I would call myself "weird normal". I'm not like most people, I don't value some things that you are supposed to value. Like kids, marriage and stuff like that. I like having a home where I call the shots, where I am the boss and where I don't have to compromise with someone other than myself.
My dad somehow mentioned that maybe I could find someone that shares my interest of games. Well, there are tons of guys who are into games, and I have met several of them, who have liked me simply for me being a girl who games. That doesn't really cut it though, does it? And then my dad mentioned something about the economy being easier to handle when you are in a couple (actually I think that's what started this whole thing, talking about money) and I guess that can be the case sometimes, but if all I really cared about was money, I would have done an Anna-Nicole Smith a long time ago.
Urgh, this is just stupid and it makes me feel... attacked. Questioned. Like someone's staring at me and going "what's wrong with you?" I know that my dad loves me unconditionally, and I know he only wants what's best for me, but he does lack tact from time to time.
The thing is (and I hate myself for writing this) - I hate what I become when I like someone. (At least this is how I was in the past, but it was 4 years since my last serious relationship and 2 years since my last fling, so maybe I have changed, I don't know.) All clingy and needy and I forget all about myself. Like I'm completely absorbed by this other person and my needs and wants are just thrown out the window. And constantly worrying about being perfect, being enough for this (in my mind) perfect being who I don't deserve. This is what I thought of the people back then, and most of them were bastards anyways! I just lose sight of everything, and basically my whole life goes in the gutter when it happens. And I HATE that. And I DON'T WANT that! I don't wanna be someone who can't speak her mind, that can't stand her ground, that's just takes lies and mistreating lying down! I WON'T HAVE IT!
Maybe there are great things when it comes to love and relationships, I don't know, I haven't really experienced it myself! But it just pisses me off, most of the time, the whole love thing. "Since we met, we do everything as one person. I have no life of my own. I am his bitch and sex-slave."
WHAT. THE. FUCKING. FUCK?! >____<
I don't like to feel uncertain, I don't like to be constantly wondering what another human being is thinking about me, I do that enough as it is! I don't wanna feel forced to change who I am, I don't wanna worry about doing something wrong all the time. >_< It fucking freaks me out.
And does everyone really have to end up in a relationship? With 2 kids, a house, a Volvo, and a life where the woman works full-time and does most of the housework and gets no credit for it? Life can be about other things! If I wanna dedicate myself to RPGs and game music, that is MY CHOICE alone and I should not have to be judged for it, nor pitied. Last time I checked, we lived in a free country!
Sorry, I'm getting a bit frustrated as I'm writing this. I can take the standard co-worker question "so how's your love-life going?" (as if it's any of their business...) but when being asked questions like these, by a parent, it just... it throws me.
-----
I have played a shitload of MKW today. And now I'm gonna go play some more (which could be shortened to "s'more").