wonder what difference does it make
i'm so tired. exhausted. I got a full night's sleep last night, woke up refreshed, and was out of commission by two. Curse this schedule of nonstop movement.
The play opens tomorrow. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then it's over.
Then I begin rehearsals for Mona.
I haven't done homework in weeks. Have barely practiced piano.
I have ruined three people's lives so far this semester. I wonder how many more will follow. Perhaps I should be straightjacketed and locked up in a windowless room far away from this place and away from all society. Because I'm not even ruining lives on purpose (which would make me a diabolical monster), but by well-intended but immensely unfortunate mistakes of judgment (which just makes me thoughtless. A catalyst for disaster, if you will). I apparently can't avoid wreaking havoc, so it's best to keep me out of situations in which I will do so. Keep me away from men.
Is the medication not enough? I don't want to just throw a higher dosage at myself, which is the automatic conclusion when I'm depressed despite the medication. But it's an extreme amount of stress. Perhaps it's normal to feel down at times like this.
And yet...
the suicidal thoughts are back. WHY??
*bashes head against wall*
*cries*
*fetal position*
The play opens tomorrow. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then it's over.
Then I begin rehearsals for Mona.
I haven't done homework in weeks. Have barely practiced piano.
I have ruined three people's lives so far this semester. I wonder how many more will follow. Perhaps I should be straightjacketed and locked up in a windowless room far away from this place and away from all society. Because I'm not even ruining lives on purpose (which would make me a diabolical monster), but by well-intended but immensely unfortunate mistakes of judgment (which just makes me thoughtless. A catalyst for disaster, if you will). I apparently can't avoid wreaking havoc, so it's best to keep me out of situations in which I will do so. Keep me away from men.
Is the medication not enough? I don't want to just throw a higher dosage at myself, which is the automatic conclusion when I'm depressed despite the medication. But it's an extreme amount of stress. Perhaps it's normal to feel down at times like this.
And yet...
the suicidal thoughts are back. WHY??
*bashes head against wall*
*cries*
*fetal position*