(no subject)
Has anyone noticed the incessant need to want to be in love at the moment? The L word through my eyes has been this fiery pit of hell and I swear to god that there people in line waiting to burn in this inferno for the better half of their lives. I notice how my friends throw the L word around like it’s absolutely nothing, and if it is perhaps not throwing it around, the circumstances that it is in am wretched. I suppose it’s a tad bit immature that I can’t even say it, but my personal violations with the word have resulted in further actions to be at its most hesitant.
I think at the moment I wouldn’t want something like LOVE to fuck up the generality of my life. What life? I don’t have time for anything anymore; I barely have time to powder my nose in the morning. The only joys that I have to myself are my drives to and from the terminal. I noticed that I never do anything for myself either. I have to drive to school, I have to look acceptable, and I have to pick up my phone. It’s like the whole world all of a sudden just jumps on me and can’t live without me. I went to see Shawn after classes yesterday, and I didn’t answer my phone for the 2.5 hours we were together and I get 4 new voicemail messages off the bat. When did I ever live beside my phone? NEVER. And I hate it; I hate how I can’t function without my cell phone.
Mostly, I’m finding that I hate not having time for myself. I used to be able to lie in bed and open the side drawer and write about the way I feel. How tired I am, but it being okay. I felt guilty last night for even considering the fact that I should take the 20 minutes that I could have to sleep to write something. Should I feel guilty for wanting to journal? I suppose not, but that’s the way it’s been going. The world cannot turn if my cell phone is off. I spend more time outside of my house, and my sister and I are becoming foreign to each other. I have to check the wipe-board on the refrigerator to know what’s going on with the family.
Last night I wanted to write about love. Only because Cristi had gotten into a car accident and the guy she loves wouldn’t find four dollars for gas to go see her. It took 2 more phone calls for him to finally say that he would be coming up to Auburn to see her. How unacceptable did I find that. [Off the notes; I really do find Eric to be a jack ass when I’m sober. The times that I do hear about him I’m sober and I want to rip his balls out, but when we hang out I’m too drugged to hate him, or the world for that matter.] Post walking through the door, she totally disregarded everything he had just done and I wonder. I wonder why she puts up with that, like what’s so great about him if you already know the fallacies in his personality, how its been addressed and him taking it in total disregard. I’m sure that’s love.
Someone kill me please if I ever get that way.
I don’t think that I've ever been in love. As much as I’ve probably said it, I really don’t think there could have been an integral point where I really was IN LOVE with someone. I suppose I loved a person to take care of them like I would for my family, but that lust and ecstasy, I lacked. I never felt like I wanted to die for anyone, give a spleen or what have you. I never felt like I couldn’t live without someone if I really thought about it. I notice now, that I don’t really like to attach myself to people and I get hesitant about feeling too comfortable.
I’m finding that I would be deathly afraid of committing at the moment, which is why Shawn and I are perhaps still not exclusive to the point that I’ll stop hanging out with Josh (…etc.). I think it’s only because that I feel I can always have someone in the background to swoon me, and if things fall apart with Shawn that I’m not at a loss. The sick thing is though that everyone else smothers me and I get exactly what I want. I take the lead in everything, and for once I’m not taking the fundamental roll of the relationship. I like how Shawn really does step up to the plate and he takes care of me, treats me really well, and just goes out of his way to be with me.
I’m comfortable, id like to not stir that pot further at the moment. I can’t say that I wouldn’t mind being in love, but I have to just let it happen. Its better that way, there should be no push and it should just happen. Things happen for a reason, and I still live by that. I’m finding that perhaps fate is the most beautiful thing.
Shawn and I hung out yesterday because I had been having a trashy day and we’ve been fighting for the past 2. I told him I was hungry and he said to go up to the apartment and we’d just make-up (as we should). He handed me a Shawn portion of teriyaki beef (that he of course cooked himself), that I ate, and he took off my shoes for me. He was at my little feet going through each eyelet and he fixed my socks afterwards. I can’t even come up with the words on how sweet that gesture was. Like every problem had just fluttered away and all I wanted to do was kiss him and tell him that he was the best. And he certainly is.
There are strong considerations on showing the boyfriend the journal.
I think at the moment I wouldn’t want something like LOVE to fuck up the generality of my life. What life? I don’t have time for anything anymore; I barely have time to powder my nose in the morning. The only joys that I have to myself are my drives to and from the terminal. I noticed that I never do anything for myself either. I have to drive to school, I have to look acceptable, and I have to pick up my phone. It’s like the whole world all of a sudden just jumps on me and can’t live without me. I went to see Shawn after classes yesterday, and I didn’t answer my phone for the 2.5 hours we were together and I get 4 new voicemail messages off the bat. When did I ever live beside my phone? NEVER. And I hate it; I hate how I can’t function without my cell phone.
Mostly, I’m finding that I hate not having time for myself. I used to be able to lie in bed and open the side drawer and write about the way I feel. How tired I am, but it being okay. I felt guilty last night for even considering the fact that I should take the 20 minutes that I could have to sleep to write something. Should I feel guilty for wanting to journal? I suppose not, but that’s the way it’s been going. The world cannot turn if my cell phone is off. I spend more time outside of my house, and my sister and I are becoming foreign to each other. I have to check the wipe-board on the refrigerator to know what’s going on with the family.
Last night I wanted to write about love. Only because Cristi had gotten into a car accident and the guy she loves wouldn’t find four dollars for gas to go see her. It took 2 more phone calls for him to finally say that he would be coming up to Auburn to see her. How unacceptable did I find that. [Off the notes; I really do find Eric to be a jack ass when I’m sober. The times that I do hear about him I’m sober and I want to rip his balls out, but when we hang out I’m too drugged to hate him, or the world for that matter.] Post walking through the door, she totally disregarded everything he had just done and I wonder. I wonder why she puts up with that, like what’s so great about him if you already know the fallacies in his personality, how its been addressed and him taking it in total disregard. I’m sure that’s love.
Someone kill me please if I ever get that way.
I don’t think that I've ever been in love. As much as I’ve probably said it, I really don’t think there could have been an integral point where I really was IN LOVE with someone. I suppose I loved a person to take care of them like I would for my family, but that lust and ecstasy, I lacked. I never felt like I wanted to die for anyone, give a spleen or what have you. I never felt like I couldn’t live without someone if I really thought about it. I notice now, that I don’t really like to attach myself to people and I get hesitant about feeling too comfortable.
I’m finding that I would be deathly afraid of committing at the moment, which is why Shawn and I are perhaps still not exclusive to the point that I’ll stop hanging out with Josh (…etc.). I think it’s only because that I feel I can always have someone in the background to swoon me, and if things fall apart with Shawn that I’m not at a loss. The sick thing is though that everyone else smothers me and I get exactly what I want. I take the lead in everything, and for once I’m not taking the fundamental roll of the relationship. I like how Shawn really does step up to the plate and he takes care of me, treats me really well, and just goes out of his way to be with me.
I’m comfortable, id like to not stir that pot further at the moment. I can’t say that I wouldn’t mind being in love, but I have to just let it happen. Its better that way, there should be no push and it should just happen. Things happen for a reason, and I still live by that. I’m finding that perhaps fate is the most beautiful thing.
Shawn and I hung out yesterday because I had been having a trashy day and we’ve been fighting for the past 2. I told him I was hungry and he said to go up to the apartment and we’d just make-up (as we should). He handed me a Shawn portion of teriyaki beef (that he of course cooked himself), that I ate, and he took off my shoes for me. He was at my little feet going through each eyelet and he fixed my socks afterwards. I can’t even come up with the words on how sweet that gesture was. Like every problem had just fluttered away and all I wanted to do was kiss him and tell him that he was the best. And he certainly is.
There are strong considerations on showing the boyfriend the journal.