Standards

[norarora]

Why does that confuse me so much? Things are going well and I don't understand why. He didn't try anything. Completely respectful. More than just respectful. And I start questioning why, what's wrong with me? Then I realize how far I've slipped. I meet a great guy and I don't get it. I want to push him away. I want to pick a fight and end it. Again. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to ruin it. So I'll ruin it now. But I really don't want to. I'm actually happy. I'm so scared. I really don't think I can do this. I don't think I can let myself care. Because I do. And it scares me way too much. So I have to run. Again. Because I can't love. If I could...well this situation never would have occurred. With him I could fight and know that he'd still love me. Now, I fight and I lose everything I want. Because I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm not good enough for it. If only I weren't so messed up. But this is exactly why I run. Because it makes me feel so incredibly insecure. I don't want to be dependent and I don't like feeling insecure. I like liking who I am. I like not needing reassurance. I like not caring what others think. Because it doesn't matter. Back home, I could do what I wanted because I knew that I wouldn't scare away my best friends. Here, I know that I really need friends. And I can't afford to throw out the ones I have. The ones that actually care enough to sit. The ones who cancel plans so I don't have to sit alone on a Saturday night. And I don't deserve them. So I want to push them away. That's how messed up I am.

I didn't put this up here so you would read it. But I know you will. I really wish I could have worked things out. But I couldn't. I'm so sorry. I really liked talking to you. Thank you for still putting up with me. I'm still here too.