ah, finals

[nopremonition]

i'm tired.
i am angry that i am tired.
it's like a dull muted anger because i cannot bother to actually feel it fully.

i am just discovering the problems of idealism/naivete

like,

you should not choose your courses solely based on whether they look interesting or not,
because you will hate yourself during exam week

similarly,

you should not pile up with both extra classes and extracurriculars,

as,

it will not be worth it when your gpa plunges

also i am discovering the goodness of things that i now long for like,

time

friends

time for myself

time to concentrate on things i care about

i haven't even written my finals yet, but
i feel unprepared
and i feel that what i write will not be representative of what i can write

it bothers me

i feel squished
compressed
sunken
dull
flat

like
condensed milk
powdered?

i feel like it's all in my head, and i just need to take the strands and organize

i think i should go to bed and study more tomorrow.

i think i should just take this all just as learning for next year
and do the best i can...

what else can one do?