(no subject)
I have to get out of here. But I am terrified to go.
I WILL NOT tolerate being made fun of, laughed at, told no man will ever marry me. I WILL NOT. I WILL NEVER LISTEN TO THAT BULLSHIT AGAIN. I won't do it. I've done it long enough. But I am terrified to go.
Even after my grandma totally calling me out in front of my family, I feel like I'm 5 and I'm hurt, but I am scared to go. But I won't put up with this anymore.
I'm so scared about moving. This is truly stepping WAY out of my comfort zone. A while ago when I was trying to look to the future and see myself moving out. I saw it differently. I saw myself being more okay, feeling stronger, being totally confident, possibly having graduated. I didn't see like this. I didn't see it like me moving as a partial act of desperation.
I don't know. I know I'm leaving. To stay here would be like digging the emotional hole in my soul even deeper. And it's basically saying "pause" to a lot of other parts of my life. I'm not okay with saying pause right now. I'm also not okay with creating work for myself or living in an environment where I'm constantly torn down.
I want to leave here, but I want to do it right, for good, and on a positive note. I'm not running away or shutting anyone out. I'm starting a new phase.
Wow. Writing this is making me feel awful.
Tomorrow I don't work until noon. My plan is to get up at a decent hour and spend a few hours at the condo cleaning. While I clean I plan on listening to my ipod and really meditating on preparing myself to take this step.
All of that being said, I am excited about moving. I'm ready to have the space to be who I am. I am most excited about my art room. I'm also really excited about having people over. I love "entertaining" but I feel like I can't do that at my grandparents house. It'll just be nice to have the option.
I WILL NOT tolerate being made fun of, laughed at, told no man will ever marry me. I WILL NOT. I WILL NEVER LISTEN TO THAT BULLSHIT AGAIN. I won't do it. I've done it long enough. But I am terrified to go.
Even after my grandma totally calling me out in front of my family, I feel like I'm 5 and I'm hurt, but I am scared to go. But I won't put up with this anymore.
I'm so scared about moving. This is truly stepping WAY out of my comfort zone. A while ago when I was trying to look to the future and see myself moving out. I saw it differently. I saw myself being more okay, feeling stronger, being totally confident, possibly having graduated. I didn't see like this. I didn't see it like me moving as a partial act of desperation.
I don't know. I know I'm leaving. To stay here would be like digging the emotional hole in my soul even deeper. And it's basically saying "pause" to a lot of other parts of my life. I'm not okay with saying pause right now. I'm also not okay with creating work for myself or living in an environment where I'm constantly torn down.
I want to leave here, but I want to do it right, for good, and on a positive note. I'm not running away or shutting anyone out. I'm starting a new phase.
Wow. Writing this is making me feel awful.
Tomorrow I don't work until noon. My plan is to get up at a decent hour and spend a few hours at the condo cleaning. While I clean I plan on listening to my ipod and really meditating on preparing myself to take this step.
All of that being said, I am excited about moving. I'm ready to have the space to be who I am. I am most excited about my art room. I'm also really excited about having people over. I love "entertaining" but I feel like I can't do that at my grandparents house. It'll just be nice to have the option.