for some reason i can't use 'rich text' mode...this sucks....
so i worked a double today. on my break i went home. on the way home i saw michelle. first of all, i shouldn't have been looking for her, and recently i've made myself stop doing that. for some reason...i looked for her. damnit. anywho. i decided to ignore her. i honestly never want to set eyes on her again and i'd be perfectly happy with forgetting all about her. there's still a lot of anger. anywho. i was doing a damn fine job at ignoring her when she freakin' decided to honk the horn to get my attention. honestly, that's pretty pathetic. anyway, i fucking had to look at her, and she flipped me off. she went out of her way to make sure i saw her flip me off. well my damn reaction was to flip her off. i mentally slapped myself for that shit. i should not have even graced her with a look. well, i kind of felt good, but then again it was immature. i feel like i took a huge step back afterwards. however, i had a long conversation with ivy tonight and she said, "when the only person to whom you have to prove that it's over is you, then you know that you're over her." i couldn't have said it better myself. great philosophy. i may not be there yet, but i'm damn sure i'll get there. i've never been more determined to reach a goal in my entire life. one day michelle will only be a memory, but never a good memory. i've realized that between september 17th, 2004 and i guess august...or september (when ever it was that i broke up with her and when i found out that she lied about everything) was completely tainted. even the good memories are tainted. all the special moments were tainted. when i made love to her, it was tained. and the sad part is, i knew it all along. i knew that something wasn't right. i knew i couldn't trust her. yet, i tried so hard. i gave her all of me. i gave her everything that i had. she took me and destoryed me. i wonder how she sleeps at night knowing that she's destroyed a completely innocent person. someone who knew nothing of relationships and heartache. i was so fragile. so delicate. she deliberately lied to me about everything. everything. how does one react when one finds that the entire past year has been a complete lie. something that one puts one's entire self into. when one has given oneself over completely to another person and that person has taken it and twisted it and tortured it and pummelled it. i have been completely broken. but, thank you michelle. i have a chance to completely rebuild myself. i have a chance to right all the wrongs before it's too late. i have a chance to be molded, and mold myself, into a better person because there was nothing left. one day they'll be no anger. one day i can completely forgive michelle for what she's done to me. there were so many things i could have done differently. so many things i wish i could have. but to find out that the person you fell in love with is in actuality a completely different person than you once thought. i mean, that really fucks a person up. michelle is a person with genuine emotions, however, somewhere along the way she got all fucked up. someone or something really had an impact on her and she dealt with it in a very unhealthy way. she turned out to be what fucked her up. i refuse to be that way. i refuse to lie. i refuse to be vindictive. i refuse to fuck with karma. i've done it enough to know that it sucks when you fuck up. anywho. i refuse to treat others like shit. i refuse to not care about the person that i'm with. i refuse to give my body up to whoever and whenever. i refuse to let my reputation be ruined. i refuse to have my actions speak differently than my words. i will treat others the way i would like to be treated. it's worked for me so far and it'll work for me in the future. i'm not going to let my education go to waste. i'm not going to lie to make myself look better. one night while michelle was sleeping, i went into her bathroom. i stood at the sink and literally had to brace myself on it. that night i prayed. i prayed hard. i was weeping. again, weeping. the definition of the verb 'to weep' is to have one's face completely saturated by tears. i asked God of i should be in a relationship with michelle. i felt such a strong conviction towards no. i started to rationalize things like i always do. i never take things for face value. agh. anywho. i started to think if i should even be in a relationship with a girl. i stood there for about 20 minutes. i cried. and cried. and cried. the reason i asked God this question is that it seemed like i had just made love to michelle. truthfully, i hadn't. it never felt right, however badly i wanted it to. finally it ate away at me enough for me to question our love. it wasn't that God didn't want me in a relationship with a woman, it's that God didn't want me in a relationship with michelle. i had shut God out of my life after that. that's one of the wrongs that i'm trying to right. when i said that everything was tainted, i honestly meant it. i lowered my standards and got shitted on. it happens. i'll know now not to lower my standards. so anywho. i still have a lot of anger built up against michelle, however, i'm working on letting go of that. it becomes easier everyday. maybe one day she'll start to tell the truth. i mean, it's blatantly obvious that she still lies. she lied to her mom about being ashamed of being gay and she wants to change. i mean, she's told some people that she's bi, and some that she's a lesbian. it all depends on the circumstance. she's so confused. i'm looking at her from an outsiders perspective and i see her as her true self. dishonest. vindictive. you know, all the things i refuse to be. i'm bettering myself, damnit. i the people in my life who aren't healthy...they're on their way out the door...or have been outside for a while now. it's amazing what happens when you actually learn from shit instead of continuously fucking your life up.