FANMIX: Harry Potter: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black: Marauders: "You're My Only Home"
How jolly, thought I, i'm very soon going to be living practically right next to the British Film Institute IMAX in London, what a perfect time to suddenly have a Gaywakening, become worryingly obsessed with Moony & Padfoot and immerse myself in the Potterverse. Right on the cusp of Half-Blood Prince being released around Christmas time. Perfect timing, Clarissa, perfect timing. Except stupid bloody Warner Brothers then goes and SPOILS MY BEST LAID PLANS and delays the release date until July 17th, 2009!!! AGHIEWM12M,!MDCJCINN,.DD49WNddwlpcnmJJFOW!!!!!! GUTTED.
Warnings for the ahead? Slash obvs, angstings, betrayal, true love. Heart break. Yours and mine.
{you're my only home: young love & the ruination.
a remus lupin/sirius black marauder's era and post-hogwarts fanmix.}
A chronologically themed fanmix beginning with two boyhood friends, "You're My Only Home" journeys through their years together at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and beyond; through young love and out into the wide world of Voldemort's War and the ruination of everything good.
Front Cover.
Back Cover.
{young love...}
There was an overwhelming safety in denial. The grey spaces surrounding them both since their Third Year were swallowed up whole by denial. Everybody knew, but Remus quite liked denial, actually, and Sirius was hard-pressed to break his best friend of the habit.
It'd be awkward, wouldn't it? If he said anything. Sirius would call Remus on every furtive glance, and Remus would press Sirius about the ever so slightly unnecessary amount of touching 'inflicted' upon him whenever Sirius would crawl into his bed to soothe him after a particularly tumultuous nightmare.
And if Sirius asked that question, and Remus asked that other question, then Sirius would have to think of another question that he did/didn't want the answer to, because he had to have the final word. So there.
And then they'd both have to pretend that they were just the same as ever before.
01. Everybody Knows - Inara George
And even when you laugh, you hold your mouth,
Like what you have to say
Won’t fit into this place.
I’d like to kiss your mouth
So you don’t have to speak out loud.
I know what you want to say.
The last thing Remus had expected when Sirius had crawled into his bed to wake him up and ask if he was ok was to suddenly feel hot breath against his cheek and the sudden surging to desire to kiss his best friend. It stood to reason, therefore, that after that quite momentary lapse in judgement and control, and after that kiss which may or may not have mutually lasted forever, that Sirius would return hastily to his own bed, turn over, and yank the curtains shut around him, effectively cutting him off from Remus' questioning eyes.
Actually, the very last thing Remus expected was to come downstairs the next morning to find Sirius already at Breakfast; chowing down not on his usual Full English, but on some pretty Hufflepuff girl's face.
02. Cold Cold Water - Mirah
And I'm so number one that it's a shame, a shame,
That you let other numbers in the game.
Now I suffer for your hungry eye,
Oh why must it see more than mine?
It's a light you're after, cause light moves faster.
But when I ride again into the night,
My torch will shoot flames strong and bright,
And my absence will remind you of
How tough it is to be in love.
It turned out that sometimes a nice harmless game of Wizard Chess between friends wasn't entirely harmless, and wasn't actually Wizard Chess.
03. You’re the Storm - The Cardigans
Come and conquer and drop your bombs,
Cross my borders and kill the calm,
Bear your fangs and burn my wings,
I hear bullets singing.
And if you want me I'm your country -
If you win me, I'm forever.
"Sirius?" "Padfoot?"
"Hmm?"
"We should go to bed. It's late." An empty gesture maybe, as Remus wouldn't have minded staying like this all night and onwards into the day.
"...Already in bed, Moony." In Remus' bed, yes, but surely that was just a technicality. Sirius was sure he'd not felt this relaxed in weeks, with his head resting in the crook of Moony's neck, and the intoxicating scent of his best friend/really-not-lover soaking him to the bone marrow.
"Fair point."
04. I Will Possess Your Heart - Death Cab For Cutie
How I wish you could see the potential,
The potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound,
But in a language that you can't read just yet.
You gotta spend some time, love, you gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love, I will possess your heart.
Nothing hurt with quite as much ferocity as the transformation, excepting perhaps the remembered pain of once upon a time faux-spurned affections. Sirius had once joked that it must be like having a surprise Potions OWL on the same day as the Quidditch Cup which you couldn't play in because you had a lifetime of detention with McGonagall. His half-hearted smile hadn't quite reached his eyes, just as Remus felt a warm hand find his beneath the study table the Marauder's shared in the Library.
What Sirius didn't need to say was that ever since he'd forced the truth from Moony in the Hospital Wing, and especially since he'd seen damage done to his achingly beautiful friend that wouldn't be undone, he'd never wanted anything other than to run with Moony, no matter what the cost.
05. Breathe Me - Sia
Help, I have done it again!
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
And the worst part is, there's no-one else to blame.
Be my friend.
Hold me, wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small
And needy.
Warm me up,
And breathe me.
This was always what he'd wanted, and always what he'd waited for.
06. All In Your Hands - Lamb
You waited so long and so patiently for me to be
Sure I could trust the light in your eyes that shine.
Now its all in your hands, and it feels so beautiful.
Now you can lay them all on me as much as you like.
07. Drive - Melissa Ferrick
Your mouth waters
Stretched out on my bed.
Your fingers are trembling,
And your heart is heavy and red.
And your head is bent back,
And your back is arched,
My hand is under there
Holding you up.
08. Teardrop - Massive Attack & Portishead
Water is my eye,
Most faithful mirror.
Fearless on my breath,
Teardrop on the fire of a confession.
Fearless on my breath,
Most faithful mirror.
Fearless on my breath.
09. Strong - Velvet Chain
Baby I see - you're vulnerable to me,
That's your power over me.
Baby, baby, I know - it's always been so
Physical, love is oh so meaningful for you.
You write love letters to me - strong.
You know how to talk to me - so strong.
Graduation was nothing like expected. It was strange and happy and sad because it was over. Their childhood had fallen away like some slightly more cheery Death Eater's mask, and in it's place stood responsibility, bills, rent, and not having to wake up in the morning for anything other than Very Important Official Order Business. But they couldn't play at life anymore, or run with Moony during his Time of the Month, or go to the Shrieking Shack, or play pranks on anyone... let alone teachers. Former-teachers.
But the other stuff was ok. The stuff that involved inherited small fortunes and not having to worry about jobs because there were more important tasks at hand, and the stuff where Sirius sat beside Moony in the hard wooden pues, not listening to the Graduation ceremony, and remembering the dull satisfied ache in his body, not at all helped by the seating arrangements. He longed to 'accio cushion'. He'd thought this would be a bad day, right? "This'll be our last night together, Moony..." Sirius remembered himself sounding a lot more worried and frantic in the dead of night and the Gryffindor Boy's Dormitory than he'd meant to be. His friend had held him closer, and made up both their minds for them, answering the question that Sirius probably should have asked prior to the night before their Graduation day. "At Hogwarts."
10. The First Five Time - Stars
Fifth time in your bedroom
And finally, we rested,
And you leaned upon your elbow
And began to speak to me.
But you stopped yourself and kissed me,
And I grabbed your lips and told you,
I know, I know, I know.
I feel the same as you.
{&&& the ruination.}
Remus watched Sirius do the Daily Prophet crossword as he sipped his first cup of tea of the day. He wondered when pillow fights became curses and counter-jinxes, and when sleepless nights beneath the sheets together became sleepless nights lying in bed gazing at nothing in particular, holding each other, and a million miles apart.
11. When Another Midnight - Sarah Slean
When another midnight come to rest
On the cheek of our sleeplessness,
All crusaders will wake and dress,
Pull their flags from their pillowcases.
Dumbledore had said something about Voldemort having an aptitude for turning even the best of friends against one another; for spreading seeds of doubt and mistrust amongst allies.
Sirius felt like he'd gone ten rounds with a Dementor; because sometimes when he looked at Remus, he didn't even see an ally anymore, nor a brother in arms, and certainly nothing quite so far-fetched as the man he'd loved since before he knew how to love.
12. Sad Sad City - Ghostland Observatory
Well I need you to want me, to hold me, to tell me the truth. (x2)
Ain't no party in a sad sad city! (x2)
Roll the dice, pay the price, dance with wolves in a pack of lies,
The blood we crave shall drive us all insane.
He was sure of it. Remus was the traitor. Remus was everyday smiling at him with those worried eyes (guilty eyes), making their bed, finishing his crossword, and going to work for the Order. And whilst there, he was gathering secrets ready to be sold to Voldemort. Ready to sell them all out to Voldemort. Sirius didn't want to believe it, and he couldn't believe it, but the evidence was all around him; evidence of Moony's betrayal.
He stopped doing the crossword.
13. Don't Speak - No Doubt
You and Me.
We used to be together,
Everyday together, always.
I really feel
That i'm losing my best friend,
I can't believe
This could be the end,
It looks as though you're letting go,
And if it's real,
Well I don't want to know.
Don't speak.
I know just what you're saying,
So please stop explaining,
Don't tell me cause it hurts.
Don't speak.
I know what you're thinking,
I don't need your reasons,
Don't tell me cause it hurts.
Our memories -
Well, they can be inviting,
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening.
As we die, both you and I,
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry.
14. Leaders of the Free World - Elbow
But the leaders of the free world
Are just little boys throwing stones.
And it's easy to ignore,
Till they're knocking on the door of your homes.
Passing the gun from father to feckless son.
We're climbing a landslide, where only the good die young.
"Why is everything crumbling, Moony?" Like dust, Sirius thought, everything good he thought he remembered between them seemed tainted with the thought of Voldemort's influence slithering into the quiet spaces, into all of their private places. He thought he saw a flash of something raw and real and Remus when the other man glanced up from this morning's Daily Prophet. His imagination was running away with him.
"We're at War, Padfoot."
Remus watched him for a moment, then returned to the paper and his cup of Tea, which Sirius noted was sure to be stone cold after forty minutes of sitting untouched. He felt remarkably akin to a cup of Tea. They were at war, weren't they though? He and Remus. Sometimes it felt like the war was with each other.
"Yes. Yes we are."
15. You’re My Only Home - The Magnetic Fields
I will hide what you want hidden,
And I'll roam if you say roam.
But I'd just as soon you didn't,
Because you're my only home.
'YOU'RE MY ONLY HOME: YOUNG LOVE & THE RUINATION' -
15 TRACKS & COVERS ZIPPED HERE.
Please do comment and let me know your thoughts and angstings!
Despite my first HP mixpost being Post-Veil, i've seen chronological sense, and decided I had to get this one out there prior to speeding through a Betrayed Remus Mid-Sirius'-Stay-In-Azkaban Mix so I can finally, in hopefully maybe a week or two, finish my beloved Lie Low At Lupin's Mix. Hmmmm. Lying Low At Lupin's. What an arduous task that'd be! Lying Low With Lupin = Chore. ♥♥♥
Previous Remus/Sirius Mix Post-Veil, Post OotP: 'I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK.'
Warnings for the ahead? Slash obvs, angstings, betrayal, true love. Heart break. Yours and mine.
{you're my only home: young love & the ruination.
a remus lupin/sirius black marauder's era and post-hogwarts fanmix.}
A chronologically themed fanmix beginning with two boyhood friends, "You're My Only Home" journeys through their years together at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and beyond; through young love and out into the wide world of Voldemort's War and the ruination of everything good.
Front Cover.
Back Cover.
{young love...}
There was an overwhelming safety in denial. The grey spaces surrounding them both since their Third Year were swallowed up whole by denial. Everybody knew, but Remus quite liked denial, actually, and Sirius was hard-pressed to break his best friend of the habit.
It'd be awkward, wouldn't it? If he said anything. Sirius would call Remus on every furtive glance, and Remus would press Sirius about the ever so slightly unnecessary amount of touching 'inflicted' upon him whenever Sirius would crawl into his bed to soothe him after a particularly tumultuous nightmare.
And if Sirius asked that question, and Remus asked that other question, then Sirius would have to think of another question that he did/didn't want the answer to, because he had to have the final word. So there.
And then they'd both have to pretend that they were just the same as ever before.
01. Everybody Knows - Inara George
And even when you laugh, you hold your mouth,
Like what you have to say
Won’t fit into this place.
I’d like to kiss your mouth
So you don’t have to speak out loud.
I know what you want to say.
The last thing Remus had expected when Sirius had crawled into his bed to wake him up and ask if he was ok was to suddenly feel hot breath against his cheek and the sudden surging to desire to kiss his best friend. It stood to reason, therefore, that after that quite momentary lapse in judgement and control, and after that kiss which may or may not have mutually lasted forever, that Sirius would return hastily to his own bed, turn over, and yank the curtains shut around him, effectively cutting him off from Remus' questioning eyes.
Actually, the very last thing Remus expected was to come downstairs the next morning to find Sirius already at Breakfast; chowing down not on his usual Full English, but on some pretty Hufflepuff girl's face.
02. Cold Cold Water - Mirah
And I'm so number one that it's a shame, a shame,
That you let other numbers in the game.
Now I suffer for your hungry eye,
Oh why must it see more than mine?
It's a light you're after, cause light moves faster.
But when I ride again into the night,
My torch will shoot flames strong and bright,
And my absence will remind you of
How tough it is to be in love.
It turned out that sometimes a nice harmless game of Wizard Chess between friends wasn't entirely harmless, and wasn't actually Wizard Chess.
03. You’re the Storm - The Cardigans
Come and conquer and drop your bombs,
Cross my borders and kill the calm,
Bear your fangs and burn my wings,
I hear bullets singing.
And if you want me I'm your country -
If you win me, I'm forever.
"Sirius?" "Padfoot?"
"Hmm?"
"We should go to bed. It's late." An empty gesture maybe, as Remus wouldn't have minded staying like this all night and onwards into the day.
"...Already in bed, Moony." In Remus' bed, yes, but surely that was just a technicality. Sirius was sure he'd not felt this relaxed in weeks, with his head resting in the crook of Moony's neck, and the intoxicating scent of his best friend/really-not-lover soaking him to the bone marrow.
"Fair point."
04. I Will Possess Your Heart - Death Cab For Cutie
How I wish you could see the potential,
The potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound,
But in a language that you can't read just yet.
You gotta spend some time, love, you gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love, I will possess your heart.
Nothing hurt with quite as much ferocity as the transformation, excepting perhaps the remembered pain of once upon a time faux-spurned affections. Sirius had once joked that it must be like having a surprise Potions OWL on the same day as the Quidditch Cup which you couldn't play in because you had a lifetime of detention with McGonagall. His half-hearted smile hadn't quite reached his eyes, just as Remus felt a warm hand find his beneath the study table the Marauder's shared in the Library.
What Sirius didn't need to say was that ever since he'd forced the truth from Moony in the Hospital Wing, and especially since he'd seen damage done to his achingly beautiful friend that wouldn't be undone, he'd never wanted anything other than to run with Moony, no matter what the cost.
05. Breathe Me - Sia
Help, I have done it again!
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
And the worst part is, there's no-one else to blame.
Be my friend.
Hold me, wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small
And needy.
Warm me up,
And breathe me.
This was always what he'd wanted, and always what he'd waited for.
06. All In Your Hands - Lamb
You waited so long and so patiently for me to be
Sure I could trust the light in your eyes that shine.
Now its all in your hands, and it feels so beautiful.
Now you can lay them all on me as much as you like.
07. Drive - Melissa Ferrick
Your mouth waters
Stretched out on my bed.
Your fingers are trembling,
And your heart is heavy and red.
And your head is bent back,
And your back is arched,
My hand is under there
Holding you up.
08. Teardrop - Massive Attack & Portishead
Water is my eye,
Most faithful mirror.
Fearless on my breath,
Teardrop on the fire of a confession.
Fearless on my breath,
Most faithful mirror.
Fearless on my breath.
09. Strong - Velvet Chain
Baby I see - you're vulnerable to me,
That's your power over me.
Baby, baby, I know - it's always been so
Physical, love is oh so meaningful for you.
You write love letters to me - strong.
You know how to talk to me - so strong.
Graduation was nothing like expected. It was strange and happy and sad because it was over. Their childhood had fallen away like some slightly more cheery Death Eater's mask, and in it's place stood responsibility, bills, rent, and not having to wake up in the morning for anything other than Very Important Official Order Business. But they couldn't play at life anymore, or run with Moony during his Time of the Month, or go to the Shrieking Shack, or play pranks on anyone... let alone teachers. Former-teachers.
But the other stuff was ok. The stuff that involved inherited small fortunes and not having to worry about jobs because there were more important tasks at hand, and the stuff where Sirius sat beside Moony in the hard wooden pues, not listening to the Graduation ceremony, and remembering the dull satisfied ache in his body, not at all helped by the seating arrangements. He longed to 'accio cushion'. He'd thought this would be a bad day, right? "This'll be our last night together, Moony..." Sirius remembered himself sounding a lot more worried and frantic in the dead of night and the Gryffindor Boy's Dormitory than he'd meant to be. His friend had held him closer, and made up both their minds for them, answering the question that Sirius probably should have asked prior to the night before their Graduation day. "At Hogwarts."
10. The First Five Time - Stars
Fifth time in your bedroom
And finally, we rested,
And you leaned upon your elbow
And began to speak to me.
But you stopped yourself and kissed me,
And I grabbed your lips and told you,
I know, I know, I know.
I feel the same as you.
{&&& the ruination.}
Remus watched Sirius do the Daily Prophet crossword as he sipped his first cup of tea of the day. He wondered when pillow fights became curses and counter-jinxes, and when sleepless nights beneath the sheets together became sleepless nights lying in bed gazing at nothing in particular, holding each other, and a million miles apart.
11. When Another Midnight - Sarah Slean
When another midnight come to rest
On the cheek of our sleeplessness,
All crusaders will wake and dress,
Pull their flags from their pillowcases.
Dumbledore had said something about Voldemort having an aptitude for turning even the best of friends against one another; for spreading seeds of doubt and mistrust amongst allies.
Sirius felt like he'd gone ten rounds with a Dementor; because sometimes when he looked at Remus, he didn't even see an ally anymore, nor a brother in arms, and certainly nothing quite so far-fetched as the man he'd loved since before he knew how to love.
12. Sad Sad City - Ghostland Observatory
Well I need you to want me, to hold me, to tell me the truth. (x2)
Ain't no party in a sad sad city! (x2)
Roll the dice, pay the price, dance with wolves in a pack of lies,
The blood we crave shall drive us all insane.
He was sure of it. Remus was the traitor. Remus was everyday smiling at him with those worried eyes (guilty eyes), making their bed, finishing his crossword, and going to work for the Order. And whilst there, he was gathering secrets ready to be sold to Voldemort. Ready to sell them all out to Voldemort. Sirius didn't want to believe it, and he couldn't believe it, but the evidence was all around him; evidence of Moony's betrayal.
He stopped doing the crossword.
13. Don't Speak - No Doubt
You and Me.
We used to be together,
Everyday together, always.
I really feel
That i'm losing my best friend,
I can't believe
This could be the end,
It looks as though you're letting go,
And if it's real,
Well I don't want to know.
Don't speak.
I know just what you're saying,
So please stop explaining,
Don't tell me cause it hurts.
Don't speak.
I know what you're thinking,
I don't need your reasons,
Don't tell me cause it hurts.
Our memories -
Well, they can be inviting,
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening.
As we die, both you and I,
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry.
14. Leaders of the Free World - Elbow
But the leaders of the free world
Are just little boys throwing stones.
And it's easy to ignore,
Till they're knocking on the door of your homes.
Passing the gun from father to feckless son.
We're climbing a landslide, where only the good die young.
"Why is everything crumbling, Moony?" Like dust, Sirius thought, everything good he thought he remembered between them seemed tainted with the thought of Voldemort's influence slithering into the quiet spaces, into all of their private places. He thought he saw a flash of something raw and real and Remus when the other man glanced up from this morning's Daily Prophet. His imagination was running away with him.
"We're at War, Padfoot."
Remus watched him for a moment, then returned to the paper and his cup of Tea, which Sirius noted was sure to be stone cold after forty minutes of sitting untouched. He felt remarkably akin to a cup of Tea. They were at war, weren't they though? He and Remus. Sometimes it felt like the war was with each other.
"Yes. Yes we are."
15. You’re My Only Home - The Magnetic Fields
I will hide what you want hidden,
And I'll roam if you say roam.
But I'd just as soon you didn't,
Because you're my only home.
'YOU'RE MY ONLY HOME: YOUNG LOVE & THE RUINATION' -
15 TRACKS & COVERS ZIPPED HERE.
Please do comment and let me know your thoughts and angstings!
Despite my first HP mixpost being Post-Veil, i've seen chronological sense, and decided I had to get this one out there prior to speeding through a Betrayed Remus Mid-Sirius'-Stay-In-Azkaban Mix so I can finally, in hopefully maybe a week or two, finish my beloved Lie Low At Lupin's Mix. Hmmmm. Lying Low At Lupin's. What an arduous task that'd be! Lying Low With Lupin = Chore. ♥♥♥
Previous Remus/Sirius Mix Post-Veil, Post OotP: 'I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK.'