(no subject)
I did a brave thing today. I told Ben I want to start seeing other people.
Technically--by the barest margins--we are not in a romantic relationship. It's awkward and complicated, but we are not "dating". We don't say I love you, because his other partner has requested that we do not, we don't have dates or romantic getaways or anything like that. In practical terms, I'm his primary; in romantic terms, she is.
This is all complicated by the fact that I am--before this--mostly monogamous. I have spent a LOT of time in the past 4 years unraveling what polyamory means to me, how to create more ethical relationships of any kind, and what my needs and desires are for right now. A LOT. I was in a really unhealthy poly relationship just before this, and it took me a long time to get past "they did this to me" and move toward "well, that sucked, now let's move on". I am delighted to say that I am a more mature, responsible, hopefully more ethical lover now.
Incidentally, two books that really helped were The Threesome Handbook and More Than Two. The former is by Vicky Vantoch, and is about, you guessed it, how to negotiate the delicacies of group sex (which is a FUCK TON harder than it seems, and I'm not always sure it's worth it, especially as it so often becomes a couple with a third person there and someone gets ignored or treated like an accessory). The latter is about ethical polyamory, especially the idea that no one ever gets to own anyone else, and how relationship hierarchies are inherently dehumanizing and hurtful. Reading that literally changed my life, to the point that I ended the triad I was a part of, because it was harmful and unethical for all of us. (To be fair, I can pinpoint more than one thing I was reading at the time that led to this seismic shift in my dealings with other people, and Franklin Veaux and Eve Ensler were just parts).
Ben and I mostly need to discuss how it's going to change things for us in a practical sense. He doesn't get veto power, and neither of us want that for the other anyway, no matter what kind of relationship we have. But I do want a real romantic relationship. I can't have that with Ben. So I pulled up my big girl panties and told him so. He was fine with it, just without enough brain power and concentration right now to figure out the practical stuff.
So yeah. There might be dating in my future! There might be sex! There will probably not be sex for a while after the dating. We'll see. I don't know if me dating and having sex with someone else will end Ben and me having sex, the loss of which would make me very sad, but I can live with it.
What I really want, at THIS moment, is some excitement, a few dates, good conversation with a nice person I find attractive, who thinks I am also attractive (too many relationships where that was very uncertain). Flirting. I want some kink, damn it. (I don't mix my sex and my kink). Respect, similar views on life, and an equal investment in the relationship we have. Ideally, the person would not be currently in a poly relationship, or if they are, I get along with their partners. I WILL NOT be a party to cheating. And, I'm kind of embarrassed to say, I'd really like a relationship with a guy.
Technically--by the barest margins--we are not in a romantic relationship. It's awkward and complicated, but we are not "dating". We don't say I love you, because his other partner has requested that we do not, we don't have dates or romantic getaways or anything like that. In practical terms, I'm his primary; in romantic terms, she is.
This is all complicated by the fact that I am--before this--mostly monogamous. I have spent a LOT of time in the past 4 years unraveling what polyamory means to me, how to create more ethical relationships of any kind, and what my needs and desires are for right now. A LOT. I was in a really unhealthy poly relationship just before this, and it took me a long time to get past "they did this to me" and move toward "well, that sucked, now let's move on". I am delighted to say that I am a more mature, responsible, hopefully more ethical lover now.
Incidentally, two books that really helped were The Threesome Handbook and More Than Two. The former is by Vicky Vantoch, and is about, you guessed it, how to negotiate the delicacies of group sex (which is a FUCK TON harder than it seems, and I'm not always sure it's worth it, especially as it so often becomes a couple with a third person there and someone gets ignored or treated like an accessory). The latter is about ethical polyamory, especially the idea that no one ever gets to own anyone else, and how relationship hierarchies are inherently dehumanizing and hurtful. Reading that literally changed my life, to the point that I ended the triad I was a part of, because it was harmful and unethical for all of us. (To be fair, I can pinpoint more than one thing I was reading at the time that led to this seismic shift in my dealings with other people, and Franklin Veaux and Eve Ensler were just parts).
Ben and I mostly need to discuss how it's going to change things for us in a practical sense. He doesn't get veto power, and neither of us want that for the other anyway, no matter what kind of relationship we have. But I do want a real romantic relationship. I can't have that with Ben. So I pulled up my big girl panties and told him so. He was fine with it, just without enough brain power and concentration right now to figure out the practical stuff.
So yeah. There might be dating in my future! There might be sex! There will probably not be sex for a while after the dating. We'll see. I don't know if me dating and having sex with someone else will end Ben and me having sex, the loss of which would make me very sad, but I can live with it.
What I really want, at THIS moment, is some excitement, a few dates, good conversation with a nice person I find attractive, who thinks I am also attractive (too many relationships where that was very uncertain). Flirting. I want some kink, damn it. (I don't mix my sex and my kink). Respect, similar views on life, and an equal investment in the relationship we have. Ideally, the person would not be currently in a poly relationship, or if they are, I get along with their partners. I WILL NOT be a party to cheating. And, I'm kind of embarrassed to say, I'd really like a relationship with a guy.