(no subject)
Last night, was, officially, the hardest night of my entire life. Hell, the whole weekend was difficult, but last night topped it off considerably.
Friday night was Bent: Caligula, Saturday was open, and Sunday night was a Leather Forum holiday dinner. It was like the perfect collection of things, to let me say goodbye to pretty much the gamut of friends I'd made over the past years in the dungeon. Of course, there were a few I missed, but most of them I'll see at
voyeurprincess's Christmas party.
And each night sparkled with something new, beautiful, unexpected, and wonderful, even if they were hard and painful at times.
On my Christmas list here on LJ, I'd listed that I wanted a card, so that I'd know that someone would miss me. And Friday night, a wonderful man, who I'm ashamed to admit I didn't get to know nearly as well as I wish now I had, decided to grant that wish. He gave me a beautiful and elegantly simple handmade card, that read, "Naomi, you will always be bound to our hearts." At which point, I started bawling, and stopped being able to speak. Later that night, I took a deep plunge, and felt amazing about it.
That same night, Stefanos and I were talking, just a little bit, and he was curious to know if I would still respond correctly, if he snapped his fingers. So I told him to try it, to see what would happen. And he did, and without hesitation, I was there, on my knees, and... strangely content, once again. I had gone through all this horrible doubt as to whether or not submission was something I really wanted, all this awful desperation and anger and furious despair, because I thought I had failed, and hurt myself in the doing of it, and therefore never would do it again. And in that one single moment, kneeling once again at someone's feet, with someone stroking my hair, I just knew that, yes, that is a good place for me.
In one night, I remembered my place, and felt the joy again, and was told that no, I'm not easily forgotten or unimportant, and that while I carry this huge array of people in my heart, I am probably not alone in that. That they carry me with them, too.
Saturday got another Christmas wish granted. My back is no longer raw, but still rather sore. Singletails and scalpels and floggers and fists and knees and knives... I gotta tell you. That's a great Christmas wish list. And I got it all. One last scene with Stefanos, that bled me, and made me cry and climax and scream. No matter what all has happened between us, and no matter how bitter I was, and to a much smaller extent, still am about how things went down in that relationship, one thing I can say with absolute certainty and peace: I have never had a play partner with that much chemistry. It's like neither of us spoke, or needed to. We both just understood.
And Sunday. Sunday was both awful and wonderful. I left early, because I just couldn't take it anymore. We had this huge picture taken in front of the Christmas tree I helped decorate, with all of us, so that I could take them all with me, wherever I went, and after it was done, that was it. I was finished. I changed, and packed my things, and struggled with the tears looming just beneath the surface, and made my last rounds of goodbyes. Walking to Bart after was exhausting.
Every step I took away made me feel as though there were a cord pulling on me, getting tighter and tighter, and I knew if I looked back, even once, I would drop my bags, and run back, and never leave. Master Erik had scratched a sigil into my shoulder, signifying remembrance, and it was like it burned like fire, pulling me back, and it took every bit of my will to keep going in the direction I'd pointed myself. The tears were rolling, and my heart was wrenched. I mean, what do you do, when your soul is crying for two such separate things?
I had been feeling like I didn't have a home there at the Citadel any longer. Like I didn't have a family. And I was proven wrong. In spades. I was reminded this weekend of my own words about love. That it should be unconditional. That even when you don't approve of someone's actions, or think they're stupid or weak or they make you furious, or you do the same to them, that even with all the very human failures and fuck ups, that you still must love them, in spite of it all, and because of it all. That when you give love, you receive love, and that is the greatest gift in the world. The hardest lesson to learn, and the simplest.
I am humbled. I am awed. And I look at this picture of all of us, crowded around a Christmas tree, and I smile. Each face has a different story, and a different set of memories attached, both good and bad.
I cherish them. And I know that I am equally cherished. That's one hell of a great way to say goodbye. More than I could have even dreamed of, let alone realistically hoped for. They gave to me this last weekend. And I will always honor that.