February 28th
I can't remember if I've nailed down the 28th of this month on my spreadsheet, the one that tracks days I've posted on. But here's a contingency plan! Gotta wait around for the 29th, which should be... in like four years, right? Hmm. Oh, it's tomorrow. Uh, guess I'll post again tomorrow, if I remember.
I don't really want to revisit the FIF thing. If this was a biography, and you were an audience, it would be confusing, though, for me to talk about this individual so frequently and then have her disappear from the narrative. To respect plot holes, I'll dredge up the bullshit one last time. Basically, things went to shit. There was a couple weeks where one of us would send a passive-aggressive message through Steam, and it started a short back-and-forth. My stance was... well, attempting to be nice, with the mindfulness of "future friends again" but still upset she hadn't admitted to any wrongdoing with her personal blog, communication issue hypocrisy, and the like.
Then the last few days we talked, there was another blowup, I guess, where she finally stuck around for a full conversation. I'm not sure, to be honest, looking back, which of us brought up the gender thing first, more? In the conclusive argument she mentioned (in a kind of victim-y way) of me not being supportive of her gender identity causing a rift, or instigating bad feelings from her side, which I thought was petty and ridiculous, and also, how can one decide their own identity, but that turned out to be an axiomatic mismatch red herring of an argument - a difference in defining "self identity" vs "identity", which I ignored at the time. But regardless, I felt how *she* felt about *me* was blown way out of proportion, while I thought she was going down the SJW rabbit hole of nastiness and exclusion disguised as wishing no ill-will, progressive thinking, social movements, feelings not really being wrong especially when they're forms of self-expression, and being respectful of all lifestyles and ways of self-identifying. I'm obviously more scientific, and if there isn't evidence for something, why believe it? So it frustrated me a lot with how Christian-thinking this ex-Christian handled all of the BS dogma as non-skeptically as possible, and it didn't help she had someone who thought so like-minded-ly in-person, slowly becoming what I only assume will be a soul-mate-level connection at this point (but of which I'm convinced will crash and burn - not spiteful wishes, just... her now-boyfriend is 19 and barely a functional human being with no strong opinions, and if the minor differences between us caused us to fall apart, I can't imagine her holding that down once he matures).
She also felt I dismissed a few of her feelings here and there due to "well that's probably just anxiety", which... I mean, look at how she blew things out of proportion. Hard not to think that. But she valued her now-boyfriend's cooing moreso than mine because he has anxiety issues and knows how to better quell the beast. Whatever. It probably was faux pas, at the least, to go "it's xyz" instead of hearing her out at those times. I was wrong there.
It sounds like I'm bitter - and giving a disclaimer sure sounds like I'm guilty - but this whole thing made me realize how fucking immature she is/was. I dunno if it was the homeschooling and evangelical upbringing immediately followed by tumblr drivel indoctrination, or what, but a 23-year-old should be able to think for themselves and not collapse like an idiot child. Plus she used anxiety as excuses for things, and used her "bad memory" as reasoning as to why she appeared hypocritical to me for not talking to me about things - she figured she already did. So a lack of personal accountability, to boot.
I guess we mutually rustled each others' jimmies one final time, then the next night had a one-or-two-off exchange again? Something like that. And I was totally ok with never talking to her again unless she contacted me first. When I got home from work the next night, nothing. I went to eat. I got back to an obviously-copy-pasted message (weird line breaks) on Steam, multiple paragraphs, that she made while I was "Away" status, and she was, by the time I saw it, offline for 22 minutes. The tone was mostly "I'm sorry that I have to do this" and a bit of "I don't know why you were so accusative/angry" and then "I'm going to unfriend you from Steam, you can add me later if you want but I can't handle this anymore". Which annoyed the shit out of me, because she got the last laugh. I know it's petty to think that. I know it's fucking stupid. But I was so ready to just never talk to her again, and, maybe she's so dense she missed it? Maybe she wasn't thinking about that? It didn't occur to her? Maybe she was so in the head-space of me being an aggressor and trying to fuck with her that she felt it necessary to cut me off. I honestly never expected to hear from her again, and she drops that cowardly copy-paste on me, and bails.
The obvious course of action was to write a short, awful, vitriolic paragraph. A final carpet bomb to tell her to fuck off. So I send it, and wait a half hour... and wonder something about "friend" statuses on Steam. I do some Googling, and inadvertently find that you can't receive messages from people you're not friends with. But there were a few posts that said the message might go through if the dialog box is still open? Due to some Steam server thing? Or like, it might show that you have a new message, that green icon, but you can't access it. Soooooo if that inaccessible message scenario happens it probably looks pathetic, or like I'm still an aggressor trying to attack her and she successfully fended me off. I'm moderately sure that she's going to go through a cliched process of "building herself up again" because I did damage to her self esteem and rattled her or whatever, and there will be self-healing, and months down the road she'll look back and feel so much better about her life now that she's moved in with her now-boyfriend (confirmed that this would be happening on her secret blog - I only visited it a couple times after I found out about the behind-the-back sheisty shit) and doesn't have to deal with someone so toxic in her life anymore, and she'll feel proud and self-actualized and like she has the reins on her destiny yaddah yaddah yaddah.
Like I said, I was prepared to not think about this anymore. She was a kid, I invested too much time and emotion into her, things fell apart due to personal differences, she took some of them personally and I didn't, she did things behind my back and wouldn't apologize, we disagreed on who should be sorry for what. Oh well. A couple years ago she wasn't even on my radar... nothing much has changed? That bums me out in a different way. Thinking back, it started with idealizing an unrealistic form of her, didn't it? Her becoming obsessed with me gave me hope and good feelings but I suppose it turned out how it should've, all things considered. Huh. I was deluded, and then I was the one who deluded her, with how strong I came on, and with implied promises. Man. Why can't I come to these meaningful conclusions on my own? Probably because I like to defer emotion and let my brain be occupied with trivial entertainment. Yeah. Suppose I knew that. But I realize things that I didn't know were important to realize, in a medium I didn't know was capable of such a thing. It's weird? That's like... an impactful thing to realize. And it happened, just now.
Huh.
I had been courting someone on OKC the last week or two. Saturday we went to the zoo, it rained on and off, we got food at a food cart, I pushed for her place instead of mine because... you know, living in a basement, even though she has cats and I'm allergic and she knew. Neither of us were looking for anything serious, and we both knew it would probably end in Netflix and chill. So we watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 and started making out right before the Lucy Liu fight, and got to porking. Got her to cum five times, but she doesn't have a difficult time there. My allergies were kind of bad... ugh. I had an alright time, the zoo was a bit depressing. We got along ok. I couldn't see myself being with her in a long-term relationship, and we mutually acknowledged that. She hadn't had sex in over a year, and I hadn't since... whenever I visited FIF in-person. August? September? So she mainly was good with the sex. I dunno, we could be friends, maybe. I get the feeling we're kind of in the same boat of having a long-term thing for a while and then not not being familiar with dating - we even spoke about not being used to the rituals and it being fucking weird, which is why she admitted to stalling a bit during the movie. She has MS, which was interesting? She ended up telling me a lot about it because it's a main part of her life, currently. So I walked home, not too long of a walk, similar neighborhood. Them's the bullet points.
Getting home I just felt depressed, same with the next day. I can't nail down why. Is it because it felt so superficial, lacking substance, and I compared that to my two past meaningful relationships? Did it feel like a waste of human energy? Like I connected much better/more heavily/in-depth with other people, and that made an impact on me? Was I just drained from being out and about, on-my-toes mentally, all day, with a person, then being physically intimate, and I was drained due to my introvert nature? Needed a recharge? I dunno, man. But now I'm down in the dumps again, life feels meaningless, futility abound, my job is probably dead-end and reaching the point that I don't feel challenged or like things are new and my life is slipping by (yet again), and I'm a 25-year-old loser with no aspirations or inspiration or motivation and I live in my mom's basement, and that could get rocky if she doesn't fucking sell some houses. Oh, she just bought a new car because she wasn't paying attention, and anticipated the car in front of her accelerating at the light but he didn't, so she rear-ended them. So she just went out and bought a new car, and, while she *had* done a week or two or research, made her purchase hastily once at the lot because she didn't want to be there anymore. And she has her back thing going on, and fucked up by switching insurance providers to get approved for her previous surgeon, but now she's just paying more, but made the decision to try and heal for the next month? By what, concentrating, harder, and using that infrared back brace thing. I don't fucking know. I'm a man-child with little skill or upwards mobility, and I'm depressed. And it feels like this is the beginning of a downward spiral with my mom's health. I can't even talk to her in any meaningful sense because she generally prefers her own topics and things I want to talk about she zones out or things I'm being argumentative. Maybe I am. Maybe everything's wrong with how I talk to people - walk everywhere smelling shit, check your own shoe, right? A few people have clued me in, maybe I should listen. Dunno.
Well, that's what's been on my mind. I'm waiting on my tax return, which altogether (state + federal) should be around 1500, so I can pay off a chunk of credit card debt and pay my mom back the rest of the back-rent I owe. And "one of these days I'll work on projects". Haven't I been saying that for over a decade by now? Jesus fuck. I have been working on those programming-related MIDI files recently, so that's good? Working on the Undertale OST. Well, hey, now that I don't have someone I'm romantically vying for, I can focus on whatever, I guess? Frees up some time and energy? Maybe I'll finally improve as a person, settle on some hobbies, work on stuff. It's possible.
Adios.
I don't really want to revisit the FIF thing. If this was a biography, and you were an audience, it would be confusing, though, for me to talk about this individual so frequently and then have her disappear from the narrative. To respect plot holes, I'll dredge up the bullshit one last time. Basically, things went to shit. There was a couple weeks where one of us would send a passive-aggressive message through Steam, and it started a short back-and-forth. My stance was... well, attempting to be nice, with the mindfulness of "future friends again" but still upset she hadn't admitted to any wrongdoing with her personal blog, communication issue hypocrisy, and the like.
Then the last few days we talked, there was another blowup, I guess, where she finally stuck around for a full conversation. I'm not sure, to be honest, looking back, which of us brought up the gender thing first, more? In the conclusive argument she mentioned (in a kind of victim-y way) of me not being supportive of her gender identity causing a rift, or instigating bad feelings from her side, which I thought was petty and ridiculous, and also, how can one decide their own identity, but that turned out to be an axiomatic mismatch red herring of an argument - a difference in defining "self identity" vs "identity", which I ignored at the time. But regardless, I felt how *she* felt about *me* was blown way out of proportion, while I thought she was going down the SJW rabbit hole of nastiness and exclusion disguised as wishing no ill-will, progressive thinking, social movements, feelings not really being wrong especially when they're forms of self-expression, and being respectful of all lifestyles and ways of self-identifying. I'm obviously more scientific, and if there isn't evidence for something, why believe it? So it frustrated me a lot with how Christian-thinking this ex-Christian handled all of the BS dogma as non-skeptically as possible, and it didn't help she had someone who thought so like-minded-ly in-person, slowly becoming what I only assume will be a soul-mate-level connection at this point (but of which I'm convinced will crash and burn - not spiteful wishes, just... her now-boyfriend is 19 and barely a functional human being with no strong opinions, and if the minor differences between us caused us to fall apart, I can't imagine her holding that down once he matures).
She also felt I dismissed a few of her feelings here and there due to "well that's probably just anxiety", which... I mean, look at how she blew things out of proportion. Hard not to think that. But she valued her now-boyfriend's cooing moreso than mine because he has anxiety issues and knows how to better quell the beast. Whatever. It probably was faux pas, at the least, to go "it's xyz" instead of hearing her out at those times. I was wrong there.
It sounds like I'm bitter - and giving a disclaimer sure sounds like I'm guilty - but this whole thing made me realize how fucking immature she is/was. I dunno if it was the homeschooling and evangelical upbringing immediately followed by tumblr drivel indoctrination, or what, but a 23-year-old should be able to think for themselves and not collapse like an idiot child. Plus she used anxiety as excuses for things, and used her "bad memory" as reasoning as to why she appeared hypocritical to me for not talking to me about things - she figured she already did. So a lack of personal accountability, to boot.
I guess we mutually rustled each others' jimmies one final time, then the next night had a one-or-two-off exchange again? Something like that. And I was totally ok with never talking to her again unless she contacted me first. When I got home from work the next night, nothing. I went to eat. I got back to an obviously-copy-pasted message (weird line breaks) on Steam, multiple paragraphs, that she made while I was "Away" status, and she was, by the time I saw it, offline for 22 minutes. The tone was mostly "I'm sorry that I have to do this" and a bit of "I don't know why you were so accusative/angry" and then "I'm going to unfriend you from Steam, you can add me later if you want but I can't handle this anymore". Which annoyed the shit out of me, because she got the last laugh. I know it's petty to think that. I know it's fucking stupid. But I was so ready to just never talk to her again, and, maybe she's so dense she missed it? Maybe she wasn't thinking about that? It didn't occur to her? Maybe she was so in the head-space of me being an aggressor and trying to fuck with her that she felt it necessary to cut me off. I honestly never expected to hear from her again, and she drops that cowardly copy-paste on me, and bails.
The obvious course of action was to write a short, awful, vitriolic paragraph. A final carpet bomb to tell her to fuck off. So I send it, and wait a half hour... and wonder something about "friend" statuses on Steam. I do some Googling, and inadvertently find that you can't receive messages from people you're not friends with. But there were a few posts that said the message might go through if the dialog box is still open? Due to some Steam server thing? Or like, it might show that you have a new message, that green icon, but you can't access it. Soooooo if that inaccessible message scenario happens it probably looks pathetic, or like I'm still an aggressor trying to attack her and she successfully fended me off. I'm moderately sure that she's going to go through a cliched process of "building herself up again" because I did damage to her self esteem and rattled her or whatever, and there will be self-healing, and months down the road she'll look back and feel so much better about her life now that she's moved in with her now-boyfriend (confirmed that this would be happening on her secret blog - I only visited it a couple times after I found out about the behind-the-back sheisty shit) and doesn't have to deal with someone so toxic in her life anymore, and she'll feel proud and self-actualized and like she has the reins on her destiny yaddah yaddah yaddah.
Like I said, I was prepared to not think about this anymore. She was a kid, I invested too much time and emotion into her, things fell apart due to personal differences, she took some of them personally and I didn't, she did things behind my back and wouldn't apologize, we disagreed on who should be sorry for what. Oh well. A couple years ago she wasn't even on my radar... nothing much has changed? That bums me out in a different way. Thinking back, it started with idealizing an unrealistic form of her, didn't it? Her becoming obsessed with me gave me hope and good feelings but I suppose it turned out how it should've, all things considered. Huh. I was deluded, and then I was the one who deluded her, with how strong I came on, and with implied promises. Man. Why can't I come to these meaningful conclusions on my own? Probably because I like to defer emotion and let my brain be occupied with trivial entertainment. Yeah. Suppose I knew that. But I realize things that I didn't know were important to realize, in a medium I didn't know was capable of such a thing. It's weird? That's like... an impactful thing to realize. And it happened, just now.
Huh.
I had been courting someone on OKC the last week or two. Saturday we went to the zoo, it rained on and off, we got food at a food cart, I pushed for her place instead of mine because... you know, living in a basement, even though she has cats and I'm allergic and she knew. Neither of us were looking for anything serious, and we both knew it would probably end in Netflix and chill. So we watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 and started making out right before the Lucy Liu fight, and got to porking. Got her to cum five times, but she doesn't have a difficult time there. My allergies were kind of bad... ugh. I had an alright time, the zoo was a bit depressing. We got along ok. I couldn't see myself being with her in a long-term relationship, and we mutually acknowledged that. She hadn't had sex in over a year, and I hadn't since... whenever I visited FIF in-person. August? September? So she mainly was good with the sex. I dunno, we could be friends, maybe. I get the feeling we're kind of in the same boat of having a long-term thing for a while and then not not being familiar with dating - we even spoke about not being used to the rituals and it being fucking weird, which is why she admitted to stalling a bit during the movie. She has MS, which was interesting? She ended up telling me a lot about it because it's a main part of her life, currently. So I walked home, not too long of a walk, similar neighborhood. Them's the bullet points.
Getting home I just felt depressed, same with the next day. I can't nail down why. Is it because it felt so superficial, lacking substance, and I compared that to my two past meaningful relationships? Did it feel like a waste of human energy? Like I connected much better/more heavily/in-depth with other people, and that made an impact on me? Was I just drained from being out and about, on-my-toes mentally, all day, with a person, then being physically intimate, and I was drained due to my introvert nature? Needed a recharge? I dunno, man. But now I'm down in the dumps again, life feels meaningless, futility abound, my job is probably dead-end and reaching the point that I don't feel challenged or like things are new and my life is slipping by (yet again), and I'm a 25-year-old loser with no aspirations or inspiration or motivation and I live in my mom's basement, and that could get rocky if she doesn't fucking sell some houses. Oh, she just bought a new car because she wasn't paying attention, and anticipated the car in front of her accelerating at the light but he didn't, so she rear-ended them. So she just went out and bought a new car, and, while she *had* done a week or two or research, made her purchase hastily once at the lot because she didn't want to be there anymore. And she has her back thing going on, and fucked up by switching insurance providers to get approved for her previous surgeon, but now she's just paying more, but made the decision to try and heal for the next month? By what, concentrating, harder, and using that infrared back brace thing. I don't fucking know. I'm a man-child with little skill or upwards mobility, and I'm depressed. And it feels like this is the beginning of a downward spiral with my mom's health. I can't even talk to her in any meaningful sense because she generally prefers her own topics and things I want to talk about she zones out or things I'm being argumentative. Maybe I am. Maybe everything's wrong with how I talk to people - walk everywhere smelling shit, check your own shoe, right? A few people have clued me in, maybe I should listen. Dunno.
Well, that's what's been on my mind. I'm waiting on my tax return, which altogether (state + federal) should be around 1500, so I can pay off a chunk of credit card debt and pay my mom back the rest of the back-rent I owe. And "one of these days I'll work on projects". Haven't I been saying that for over a decade by now? Jesus fuck. I have been working on those programming-related MIDI files recently, so that's good? Working on the Undertale OST. Well, hey, now that I don't have someone I'm romantically vying for, I can focus on whatever, I guess? Frees up some time and energy? Maybe I'll finally improve as a person, settle on some hobbies, work on stuff. It's possible.
Adios.