I Wanna Have it All...
The things I want most.. the things I have spent so much time thinking about the past few weeks... are things that seem so simple... so general... so implied that you should have in life... so cliche...
Yet here I am... just wanting and craving such simple things... the main thing? Happiness... yes happiness. I've feigned being happy for more of my life than I've actually been happy. I've put on a facade of liking who I am and loving what I do for the past 10 or so years... and I'm good at it. I've fooled basically everyone I've come into contact with. I've realized that my family things this facade is the actual me, that i'veh ad it on so long that it must be the real me. So when i'm actually being real... they think something is wrong with me... that's just sad...
And i've realized what a fake and hypocrite I am.. which pisses me off even more because i deplore those kinds of people. I give all this advice to people, urge them to do different things, to accept things, to push for things, to realize they aren't alone, etc. But I stand there pretending to be all knowing and inside am stewing with all the issues I have neglected, many of which are similiar to what I am coaching others on. Yes too a degree I do know what i am talkinga bout and have studied psychology etc, but i'm more worried about how i seem to so easily dole out advice and cannot and usually will not do it for myself... i admit i always think my situation is different, harder, whatever.
And what is another seemingly obvious thing I have been searching for? Love... not just love... but to be wanted.. to be needed... whether voluntary or not... yes i have friends and some family... but there is just this lack of feeling so connected to someone, to feel like you were meant to know someone and meant to stay with soemone, whether it's forever or not...
I just cna't even picture myself living to be 30... I know it's horrible to think.. and with all sickness and sadness and death around me... I can't help but feel affected by it.. and wonder why... I just want others to be ok... to be happy... when shit happens to people i love and care about, it hits me so much harder than it if happened to me directly... so why is all this stuff happening to them? If it's something i've done, punish ME... leave them be! PLEASE... it's not fair.
I've been watching a lot of Oz and SVU... the first set in a prison, the latter set in a squad room... so there has been a lot of justice and revenge and crime solving in everything i've been watching.. and it only gets me thinking... what is justice? Do we have to make our own? do we pursue it or does it come to us? How do we know? I know revenge can be sweet... but when is it enough? too much?... I may not believe in God or any supreme being... but I do believe there is an order to life.. karma... something like that...
i just wanna know when it's been equalized... just how much do I have to fall?
peace and thinking hurts...
Yet here I am... just wanting and craving such simple things... the main thing? Happiness... yes happiness. I've feigned being happy for more of my life than I've actually been happy. I've put on a facade of liking who I am and loving what I do for the past 10 or so years... and I'm good at it. I've fooled basically everyone I've come into contact with. I've realized that my family things this facade is the actual me, that i'veh ad it on so long that it must be the real me. So when i'm actually being real... they think something is wrong with me... that's just sad...
And i've realized what a fake and hypocrite I am.. which pisses me off even more because i deplore those kinds of people. I give all this advice to people, urge them to do different things, to accept things, to push for things, to realize they aren't alone, etc. But I stand there pretending to be all knowing and inside am stewing with all the issues I have neglected, many of which are similiar to what I am coaching others on. Yes too a degree I do know what i am talkinga bout and have studied psychology etc, but i'm more worried about how i seem to so easily dole out advice and cannot and usually will not do it for myself... i admit i always think my situation is different, harder, whatever.
And what is another seemingly obvious thing I have been searching for? Love... not just love... but to be wanted.. to be needed... whether voluntary or not... yes i have friends and some family... but there is just this lack of feeling so connected to someone, to feel like you were meant to know someone and meant to stay with soemone, whether it's forever or not...
I just cna't even picture myself living to be 30... I know it's horrible to think.. and with all sickness and sadness and death around me... I can't help but feel affected by it.. and wonder why... I just want others to be ok... to be happy... when shit happens to people i love and care about, it hits me so much harder than it if happened to me directly... so why is all this stuff happening to them? If it's something i've done, punish ME... leave them be! PLEASE... it's not fair.
I've been watching a lot of Oz and SVU... the first set in a prison, the latter set in a squad room... so there has been a lot of justice and revenge and crime solving in everything i've been watching.. and it only gets me thinking... what is justice? Do we have to make our own? do we pursue it or does it come to us? How do we know? I know revenge can be sweet... but when is it enough? too much?... I may not believe in God or any supreme being... but I do believe there is an order to life.. karma... something like that...
i just wanna know when it's been equalized... just how much do I have to fall?
peace and thinking hurts...