(no subject)
Amidst brushing my teeth this morning and getting ready to head out for coffee before clocking 10 minutes late into work, I caught myself think, for just a second, that I had an appointment with my old therapist today. Not because I'm depressed (I'm doing pretty ok right now). Not because I'm stressed (I have an exam at 12:45 today, a paper I haven't started due at 7:10, another exam tomorrow and we're in tech week for a show that goes up Friday so I'll be on stage tonight until 1am at the earliest - and instead of doing anything for any of that I'm sitting here writing an LJ post...clearly, not stressed), or worried about financial stuff (graduating = no loan or financial aid applications this year and my self imposed budget on my minimal income is holding up pretty steadily). I had a mondo shitty day yesterday. Not to be all emotastic or anything, but do you ever have those days where you just feel like everyone else forgot you exist? Just when everyone you know has something going on at the time; work to do, other plans, but you've got absolutely nothing to do but really don't want to sit at home by yourself. I had that feeling a lot during high school, but not so much since coming to college, but yesterday it happened. All I wanted was to spend time with someone, anyone, but no one was available, so I was pretty bummed and annoyed. I did all my chores for the week, and taught myself how to tie a bow-tie.
Tuesdays last semester were the days I'd go in at 11-12 to talk to Therapist. At the time, I never wanted to go, but always felt better after so I went anyway. Therapist offered an impartial analysis of my life and the happenings therein; detached from me socially but invested in what was going on because she needed to be to do her job. I want that impartial analysis now.
I'd tell Therapist about Sean, and that I
think I should nip how I feel in the bud because with a track record like mine, he follows the exact same pattern as the rest of them that leave me angry, upset, frustrated and down on myself when I finally come around to realize that I can't have them after pining for a month or more.
Therapist would tell me that I feel nipping it in the bud would be best, than it is the best thing for me. She'd remind me that people very rarely follow set patterns like the one I've constructed, but that if I'm getting the feeling in my gut that this isn't going to work, and I'm seeing the warning signs that, with my track record, I've seen plenty of times in the past, cutting my losses now might just save me from unnecessary angst. Then she'd remind me that keeping an open line of communication wouldn't help, that if I were straight forward and told him the deal on my end that things might work out differently, either in a positive way or in a more grounded understanding. That it might even be helpful for him to know how his actions and behavior is being perceived.
I'd tell Therapist that I'm extremely jealous of Cameron (roommate). I'd tell her that I don't wish bad things on him, and I truly do care for him a lot as a friend, but it pisses me off to see him so goddamn chipper and happy with someone that was initially meant to be set up with me. Even though I'm not attracted to the guy he's with, physically or otherwise; it annoys me to no end that he stepped in front of me and so effortlessly won this guy. I'd tell her that when the guy spends the night (just to sleep) with him, I'll sleep on the sofa-bed in the living room just so I can avoid having to look at them all content and cuddly when I wake up, and start the day in a green-eyed shitty mood. He has the one thing I want, that I'm trying desperately to convince myself that I can have if I'm patient but don't really believe; and while I do consider him one of my close friends, I hate him for that.
Therapist would tell me that it's ok to be jealous and that it's understandable that someone like myself that struggles with interpersonal relationships of a romantic nature would be resentful of having that come so easily when I can't seem to make it work no matter how hard I try. Obviously, she'd tell me to breach the topic and just talk to him about it (which we would both know I wouldn't do) and try to come to an arrangement where I don't end up sleeping on the sofa in my own apartment.
I'd tell Therapist that I'm still pretty pissed at Robin for completely forgetting my birthday and even more pissed that he hasn't said more than a flippant "sorry I was busy" on the topic. I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks and refuse to until I get an actual apology. Childish, true; but as someone that thought his birthday should have been treated like the celebration of the century, he should have realized that someone else other than himself, might appreciate at least a phone call acknowledging that they remembered the day. Therapist would tell me that anger's fine, and after what we talked about the last few weeks that I was with her, good for me for not just rolling over and letting him get away with it. But she'd tell me to be cautious about not talking to him because I have a tendency of leaving people in the dust without a second thought if I want to, and that if I do want him as a friend that maybe I should extend the olive branch soon before I unconsciously cut him off forever.
Unfortunately projected responses of what Therapist might say don't have the same impact as what Therapist would actually say in the moment. Any impartial analyses on the part of any one that still actually reads these posts would be much appreciated.
Tuesdays last semester were the days I'd go in at 11-12 to talk to Therapist. At the time, I never wanted to go, but always felt better after so I went anyway. Therapist offered an impartial analysis of my life and the happenings therein; detached from me socially but invested in what was going on because she needed to be to do her job. I want that impartial analysis now.
I'd tell Therapist about Sean, and that I
think I should nip how I feel in the bud because with a track record like mine, he follows the exact same pattern as the rest of them that leave me angry, upset, frustrated and down on myself when I finally come around to realize that I can't have them after pining for a month or more.
Therapist would tell me that I feel nipping it in the bud would be best, than it is the best thing for me. She'd remind me that people very rarely follow set patterns like the one I've constructed, but that if I'm getting the feeling in my gut that this isn't going to work, and I'm seeing the warning signs that, with my track record, I've seen plenty of times in the past, cutting my losses now might just save me from unnecessary angst. Then she'd remind me that keeping an open line of communication wouldn't help, that if I were straight forward and told him the deal on my end that things might work out differently, either in a positive way or in a more grounded understanding. That it might even be helpful for him to know how his actions and behavior is being perceived.
I'd tell Therapist that I'm extremely jealous of Cameron (roommate). I'd tell her that I don't wish bad things on him, and I truly do care for him a lot as a friend, but it pisses me off to see him so goddamn chipper and happy with someone that was initially meant to be set up with me. Even though I'm not attracted to the guy he's with, physically or otherwise; it annoys me to no end that he stepped in front of me and so effortlessly won this guy. I'd tell her that when the guy spends the night (just to sleep) with him, I'll sleep on the sofa-bed in the living room just so I can avoid having to look at them all content and cuddly when I wake up, and start the day in a green-eyed shitty mood. He has the one thing I want, that I'm trying desperately to convince myself that I can have if I'm patient but don't really believe; and while I do consider him one of my close friends, I hate him for that.
Therapist would tell me that it's ok to be jealous and that it's understandable that someone like myself that struggles with interpersonal relationships of a romantic nature would be resentful of having that come so easily when I can't seem to make it work no matter how hard I try. Obviously, she'd tell me to breach the topic and just talk to him about it (which we would both know I wouldn't do) and try to come to an arrangement where I don't end up sleeping on the sofa in my own apartment.
I'd tell Therapist that I'm still pretty pissed at Robin for completely forgetting my birthday and even more pissed that he hasn't said more than a flippant "sorry I was busy" on the topic. I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks and refuse to until I get an actual apology. Childish, true; but as someone that thought his birthday should have been treated like the celebration of the century, he should have realized that someone else other than himself, might appreciate at least a phone call acknowledging that they remembered the day. Therapist would tell me that anger's fine, and after what we talked about the last few weeks that I was with her, good for me for not just rolling over and letting him get away with it. But she'd tell me to be cautious about not talking to him because I have a tendency of leaving people in the dust without a second thought if I want to, and that if I do want him as a friend that maybe I should extend the olive branch soon before I unconsciously cut him off forever.
Unfortunately projected responses of what Therapist might say don't have the same impact as what Therapist would actually say in the moment. Any impartial analyses on the part of any one that still actually reads these posts would be much appreciated.