This is how you remind me
Man. I usually hate Nickelback. But its funny how in certain circumsatnces things have deeper meaning. Like this song right now is reflective of how people I am close to remind me of what a fearful neurotic piece of shit I can be.
Specifically, I am talking about my Mom in this situation.
I told my parents I need a car for Sunday. I got a free ticket to Coachella.
They read about it in the paper. They decide to rent me a car. Awesome.
Then they say all the parent things about being prepared and having sunscreen and all the overly cautious things that suck the fun out of a good time.
But that's not enough, my Mom has to go and remind me that I will be like the guy in the song asking "are we having fun yet" never quite sure what I am feeling because I am so numb to happiness from the paranoid questions she comes up with after she asks the normal questions. Questions like, how can you be sure your freindfs are actually there? Maybe they lied to you over the phone. Maybe they are home in Simi. When I tell her James doesn't, lie, I know him well enough, she calls James a liar and goes on with the subject like that was a non-issue and that it cam be expected that I will be at the show alone with a question along the lines of, "Are you going to have fun being there by yourself" I know this game she plays. It is a sort of mind fuck thing she uses to control my actions. I have long learned to rebel against it. When she asks me if I am going to dance with a girl I tell her I am gay. When she tells me to make my bed, I say that I am going to sleep outside in a nest like the monkey I am. When she asks me if I have fun alone, I say "Hell yeah" When she warns me about how there might be dangerous angry people that will prey on the lone wolf guy, I tell her that nowadays people are friendly and the only person they are going to prey on is the guy who looks hostile. Which is how I am going to look if you don't chill.
When all is said and done, she has gotten the best of me. I was already a little nervous about going. For various reasons all relating to how I have been taught to percieve the world. After hearing my Mom's concerns I am all the more tense. I am still going to go. But now it is an act of rebellion rather than a good time. I hate this shit. Why does everything in my existence have to be a fucking war?
I have radical friends who would say, dude all you have to do is let go and take control and go live how you want. Well dudes, I can't even go to a show where 90% of the people will be stoned without my Mom telling me I am most likely going to come home in a body bag. I haven't been taught to live. I have only been taught how to avoid life while fearing death.
Specifically, I am talking about my Mom in this situation.
I told my parents I need a car for Sunday. I got a free ticket to Coachella.
They read about it in the paper. They decide to rent me a car. Awesome.
Then they say all the parent things about being prepared and having sunscreen and all the overly cautious things that suck the fun out of a good time.
But that's not enough, my Mom has to go and remind me that I will be like the guy in the song asking "are we having fun yet" never quite sure what I am feeling because I am so numb to happiness from the paranoid questions she comes up with after she asks the normal questions. Questions like, how can you be sure your freindfs are actually there? Maybe they lied to you over the phone. Maybe they are home in Simi. When I tell her James doesn't, lie, I know him well enough, she calls James a liar and goes on with the subject like that was a non-issue and that it cam be expected that I will be at the show alone with a question along the lines of, "Are you going to have fun being there by yourself" I know this game she plays. It is a sort of mind fuck thing she uses to control my actions. I have long learned to rebel against it. When she asks me if I am going to dance with a girl I tell her I am gay. When she tells me to make my bed, I say that I am going to sleep outside in a nest like the monkey I am. When she asks me if I have fun alone, I say "Hell yeah" When she warns me about how there might be dangerous angry people that will prey on the lone wolf guy, I tell her that nowadays people are friendly and the only person they are going to prey on is the guy who looks hostile. Which is how I am going to look if you don't chill.
When all is said and done, she has gotten the best of me. I was already a little nervous about going. For various reasons all relating to how I have been taught to percieve the world. After hearing my Mom's concerns I am all the more tense. I am still going to go. But now it is an act of rebellion rather than a good time. I hate this shit. Why does everything in my existence have to be a fucking war?
I have radical friends who would say, dude all you have to do is let go and take control and go live how you want. Well dudes, I can't even go to a show where 90% of the people will be stoned without my Mom telling me I am most likely going to come home in a body bag. I haven't been taught to live. I have only been taught how to avoid life while fearing death.