One Doomed Timeline [Phone/Action]
[Phone]
[The phone turns on to the sound of flapping wings and the scrabbling of claws... it also sounds like the receiver is lying on a counter top (hint: it is) with something trying to stand on it (hint: there is) and then there's this tapping noise...]
Fuck, alright, is this thing on? Jeegus, it's almost like they didn't design these things for birds or something. Talk about inconsiderate. I should call PETA on them or something. And on top of it they put that damn blinking light on it I just want to - fuck, this body better not be getting to me.
I am the feathery brainless asshole. It is me.
So, I'm pretty sure "Land of Pleasant and Ville" is not one of the planets in our Incipisphere, so I have to ask: where the hell am I? And are any of you other guys here or is it just me? John? Jade? Rose? Dave? If you're a troll, don't answer.
Okay, so I think the first thing I need to do is establish a few facts. If you see an incredibly cool orange crow flying around, don’t get out your whiskey and hillbilly shotgun and try to shoot the damn thing. That would be pretty much one of the dumbest things you could possibly do, and believe me, after John shooting his little green ass into the seventh gate like a moron, I am pretty much an expert on the matter. I have a PhD in spotting stupid shit. You could call me Professor Feathers McShitspotter and I wouldn't even be mad. Also, I am not your spirit animal. Is bright fucking orange even a color those things come in? Either way the only advice you're gonna get is to pass me the damn peace pipe because that has got to be some good shit if you're thinking that. Third, I swear, first person to ask me to say nevermore is getting their eyes pecked out. Or I’ll rally a murder of feathery asshole buddies and we’ll reenact Hitchcock films on you. Rain down on you like a shower of Persian arrows. You won’t even have time to make any pithy one-liners about where you’re going to fight. You will be too busy being covered in feathery death, like a pillow fight gone wrong. One moment it’s fun and games, then next minute Dad’s just going “Junior, cut out all that racket HOLY SHIT” and it’s a one-way trip to the hospital, covered in feathers. That is exactly what will happen. Got it?
Cool so who wants to rig me up a way to open bottles of apple juice? Does anyone know if crows can drink apple juice? It’s not gonna like explode my stomach or something, right?
[Action: Around Town]
[You see an incredibly cool orange crow flying around. Don’t get out your whiskey and hillbilly shotgun and try to shoot the damn thing. That would be pretty much one of the dumbest things you could possibly do.]
[The phone turns on to the sound of flapping wings and the scrabbling of claws... it also sounds like the receiver is lying on a counter top (hint: it is) with something trying to stand on it (hint: there is) and then there's this tapping noise...]
Fuck, alright, is this thing on? Jeegus, it's almost like they didn't design these things for birds or something. Talk about inconsiderate. I should call PETA on them or something. And on top of it they put that damn blinking light on it I just want to - fuck, this body better not be getting to me.
I am the feathery brainless asshole. It is me.
So, I'm pretty sure "Land of Pleasant and Ville" is not one of the planets in our Incipisphere, so I have to ask: where the hell am I? And are any of you other guys here or is it just me? John? Jade? Rose? Dave? If you're a troll, don't answer.
Okay, so I think the first thing I need to do is establish a few facts. If you see an incredibly cool orange crow flying around, don’t get out your whiskey and hillbilly shotgun and try to shoot the damn thing. That would be pretty much one of the dumbest things you could possibly do, and believe me, after John shooting his little green ass into the seventh gate like a moron, I am pretty much an expert on the matter. I have a PhD in spotting stupid shit. You could call me Professor Feathers McShitspotter and I wouldn't even be mad. Also, I am not your spirit animal. Is bright fucking orange even a color those things come in? Either way the only advice you're gonna get is to pass me the damn peace pipe because that has got to be some good shit if you're thinking that. Third, I swear, first person to ask me to say nevermore is getting their eyes pecked out. Or I’ll rally a murder of feathery asshole buddies and we’ll reenact Hitchcock films on you. Rain down on you like a shower of Persian arrows. You won’t even have time to make any pithy one-liners about where you’re going to fight. You will be too busy being covered in feathery death, like a pillow fight gone wrong. One moment it’s fun and games, then next minute Dad’s just going “Junior, cut out all that racket HOLY SHIT” and it’s a one-way trip to the hospital, covered in feathers. That is exactly what will happen. Got it?
Cool so who wants to rig me up a way to open bottles of apple juice? Does anyone know if crows can drink apple juice? It’s not gonna like explode my stomach or something, right?
[Action: Around Town]
[You see an incredibly cool orange crow flying around. Don’t get out your whiskey and hillbilly shotgun and try to shoot the damn thing. That would be pretty much one of the dumbest things you could possibly do.]