(no subject)
Here's an update: I cannot fucking sleep. I stare at the internet like a fucking moron. I read my entire journal from age 19 and up. I read other things I really have no business reading. I feel resentful because I feel like I've been lied to in such a roundabout way that I can't really prove it. I feel jealous because all of my lies are as exposed as they can possibly be, and they are lies about time, money, and drugs, not feelings - so they can easily be proven, and furthermore, easily despised. I am definitely under no illusions that I am not an extremely neurotic person and I contemplate leaving my sober house at 4:38 in the morning (to do what exactly?) and as soon as the thought crosses my mind I know I'm going to do it. Now is apparently the time to reevaluate holding on to something so slippery that not even my best efforts in repairing the damage could possibly change it.
(Insert aimless, crazy drive around Austin)
On the other hand - I'm really having a reaction based on fear. Here's a quick inventory: I'm afraid of having been lied to. I'm afraid of trying so hard only to be suckerpunched. I'm afraid of people I love thinking I deserve to be suckerpunched. I am afraid none of you ever loved me, and if you did, you don't now - and never will again. I'm afraid that in being completely honest, I cannot succeed with anything or anyone, because I'm a fucking lunatic. I'm afraid my struggle means absolutely nothing to anyone. I'm afraid of having hope only for it to be smashed into a million pieces. I'm afraid of having my heart broken twice. I'm afraid of not knowing if i could really handle it a second time.
Things that make this hard:
1. Trying to be patient with two hearts I broke. My own is historically slow to mend.
2. I am not in a safe place. I am in a dangerous environment and ultimately I have no buffer between me, and heroin. I could go back at any time.
3. I have absolutely crucial financial responsibilities that I have to attend to while trying to recover not only from a shattered heart, but from my disease.
4. Apparently alot of people not only know who I am, i.e. (my name, face that goes with the name, etc.) but what I've done. My mistakes being public knowledge is nearly impossible to face.
I will tell you this. If I make it through this, you can officially consider me the biggest motherfucking badass on this planet.
(Insert aimless, crazy drive around Austin)
On the other hand - I'm really having a reaction based on fear. Here's a quick inventory: I'm afraid of having been lied to. I'm afraid of trying so hard only to be suckerpunched. I'm afraid of people I love thinking I deserve to be suckerpunched. I am afraid none of you ever loved me, and if you did, you don't now - and never will again. I'm afraid that in being completely honest, I cannot succeed with anything or anyone, because I'm a fucking lunatic. I'm afraid my struggle means absolutely nothing to anyone. I'm afraid of having hope only for it to be smashed into a million pieces. I'm afraid of having my heart broken twice. I'm afraid of not knowing if i could really handle it a second time.
Things that make this hard:
1. Trying to be patient with two hearts I broke. My own is historically slow to mend.
2. I am not in a safe place. I am in a dangerous environment and ultimately I have no buffer between me, and heroin. I could go back at any time.
3. I have absolutely crucial financial responsibilities that I have to attend to while trying to recover not only from a shattered heart, but from my disease.
4. Apparently alot of people not only know who I am, i.e. (my name, face that goes with the name, etc.) but what I've done. My mistakes being public knowledge is nearly impossible to face.
I will tell you this. If I make it through this, you can officially consider me the biggest motherfucking badass on this planet.