in my place, in my place..coldplays in my head
well its been a while.
beach with team=amazing.
im not comfy with myself. im self conscious all the time. i am so fucking tall i can not stand it. i hate standing out i hate everyone always staring at me, i hate the tall comments that i get every damn day of my life i hate the way people look at me the way i know people are looking at me when they think i dont see them i hate the way people talk about me
i hate the way i have no real group of friends. i hate everything about myself
lets see am i friends with tighe n emma n thompson n hayl? yes buttt arent i friends with mere n court n bec n chris? yess but arent i friends with ldraine lax 06 n amanda n alden n tree? yes but dont i have friends in the corner.... basically id rather just have 4 really good friends then all these people who i call my friends but never hang out with..even tho i do hang out with them ok i dunno im just confusing myself but i consider myself THE ultimate loner
SECRETS OUT. ok no its not but now amanda knows and i dunno i find it quite odd but it most certainly relates to the problem at hand.. IM NOT COMFY WITH MYSELF. and well LDraineLAX06 thinks i will be but i dont think so nope. <
^^ and more on this damn secret. someone told me something about someone else in my class and it kinda wierds me out and now im even less comfy around that person and the person who told me knows what im talking about even though two people told me so then they'll both understand but boy am i uncomfy now
^like my ambiguity amandine?
but to the real problem at hand. thats been not at my hand but at the back of my head for a week now.
im likin ABC ok?
so lets say im a and the person i love is b
b has failed to call a for a week now and A has called them lotsa times but they're never home or they're out or sleep or they're fathers on the phone....we talk tho. but only for little incrimints of time and not only that but we havnt talked on the phone in i dunno how long.
i cant stand being with this person when we never talk and everytime i get mad they say i love you and then i cant be mad at them anymore but u know what before we even got together i knew they had been a PLAYA in their days and im soo suspicious and maybe i shouldnt be but guess what i am. and i cant tell them im mad at them because i just feel so bad being mad cause they always tell me how busy theyve been...they sent me a text this weekend that said "i know we havnt talked in a while and its my fault" so the fact that they took the blame made me feel better and i dunno they've told me before they love me SOOO MUCH and that they couldnt imagine breaking up with me and hurting me so in that casue are they just not telling me theyre cheating on me so as not to hurt my feelings dammit im so confused and we havnt talked in forever and im thinking maybe i just wont talk to them until they talk to me first and then when they do flip a bitch and be mad but u know we even talked about this before school started and said that we wouldnt talk much but that we gotta get through it so maybe im just bein the stupid one who just gettin mad over nothin since our schedules are ocmpletely opposite and when i get home from FH they're goin to the gym n then when they get home they gotta do hw n shower n eat n school work n im in the shower doin school work n gettin ready for bed n basically we never talk and i miss them so much.
well lets see not this weekend but next weekend when i get my license im gonna b able to drive and since they live in anne arundel county and im goin with amanda to medieval times that saturday then after that ill just go with them and then ill see them and its been so long and i love and miss them and really hope they're not cheating on me even tho when we used to talk on the phone they used to tell me whenever someone gave them a number or something and well since we dont talk anymore how am i supposed to know they're not talking to someone else? im scared.
and u know wat lets talk about basketball and how i was so nervous i was shaking this weekend cause im so anxious to do well that i dont know what to do withmyself. byes. <3 uncomfy. conf_USED>>(BY MY LOVER?) NONDARRYOHSOCLOSE