AND WHEN IT ALL FALLS DOWN
I can honestly say, right now, that I am disappointed in myself. More than disappointed in myself, actually. I'm sick of myself and everything that I seem to be at this given moment. Its a passing phase, I tell myself because those are the words I hand out as advice; everything will get better if you just give it time; what is meant to be will be. So many ways to say the same thing: shut up, get over it, life goes on. But words of encouragement can't cover this up no matter how much I wish they could.
I let myself down. I allowed myself to become entangled in the life of a social butterfly, as I did in high school, and I discarded studies, promising I would do it tomorrow. Its not too late to pick up the pace because there's still hope, but life leaves me exhausted these days and wishing for rest or a life like Lucy Camden's in "7th Heaven" where I attend school but it never seems too important in the grand scheme of things.
I want to say I did it to myself (because I know I did), but its hard to push those words out of my lips and into the open air. Its even harder to watch them bounce off other people and inevitably come back to me because everything comes back, whether I run from it or not. Still, I can find excuses upon excuses to explain why life is the way it is right now, but those excuses leave me feeling empty in a way that only honesty can fill, even though the honesty that fills it is the hurtful kind and makes me jump in shock.
College is hard. I know this now, but it doesn't make life easier because I still have (at least) three years (probably more) left after this semester comes to a close. It leaves me breathless and lost with every passing day because I don't know how to study correctly or do anything school-related the way I need to. I might be smart, but I don't know how to use those smarts to my advantage.
And the thought of a major is a scary thing. As soon as I decide what path I want to take for my life, I feel my feet moving in the opposite direction. Where I'll end up I have no clue, and that scares me to no end because I need to know where I am headed, or at least I need some sort of an idea as to where I am blindly walking.
Its funny, too, because in high school all you can think is: I can't wait to go to college, and now that I am here all I think is: I wish I were back in high school. The days aren't any worse than they were in high school; they are just longer and filled with stress in greater capacity than I ever thought they would be. It makes me miss the things I complained about during my four years at THS, which is something I never thought I would say, and it makes me feel older than I am.
My bones ache as well, especially my knees, which tells me the weather is changing. I wish it were just the outside weather, but I know that it is more than that. Its the inside storm brewing within my heart and the sunlight I push through the clouds and a million raindrops that fall, filling my stomach and drowning my heart. Its snow that leaves me shivering because nothing can keep me warm, not even a school-spirit blanket I curl up under on my bed and watch 'Will & Grace' while gripping onto it and trying not to shiver.
Everything just falls together, all at once, because life is a domino-effect when you think about it. One thing after another, good or bad. Its disgusting and hard, but its reality that you just have to live with even when you want to screw it all and let everything fall down around you, promising the reflection in the mirror that you don't care.
But you do care. You care too much for the first time in your life. And that's where I am right now- actually caring. I've told my mom several times that life was much easier when I didn't give a crap about anything. It saddens her to hear me say that, I can tell, but its the truth.
Its brutal honesty, just like life is just plain brutal.