MADE A TOAST TO CONFIDENCE, DRANK AWAY THE THOUGHT OF YOU
These past two days have been a series of moments, of memories, that stick with me as I sit here, dressed in pajama pants and the shirt from formal, the formal we had tonight as well as the formal that ended all too soon and in a way I didn’t want, even though it started out wonderfully.
He was a perfect gentlemen, driving to pick me up, opening my door for me and shutting it as soon as I was seated inside. He drove, a Christian CD in the stereo (which he softly sang along to), and we talked. Once parked in the parking lot, he thanked me for bringing him to formal and told me that he owed me one since he wouldn’t be able to experience formal in a college setting otherwise. I told him that as long as we remain friends then I would be sure to bring him along to formals as well as to grab-a-date, which alternate semesters.
Dinner was good, beginning with him pulling my chair out for me, and full of conversation between the six of us at one table. Laughter was consistent, as was a “race” to see who snorted the most throughout the entire meal. When dinner was done and Danielle had sung followed by Jamie’s devotional, music was put on, and to lighten the mood (or so they said), older songs were played. It backfired on me, though, as Michael asked if it would be all right if he left, his grandfather being at his house and him wanting to see him. I gave him my blessing, though it hurt for me to do so, and walked him to his car, hugging him goodbye and wishing him a safe trip home to Canton.
I turned around, walked across the street and back into the hotel, holding onto my aqua blue dress and brushing back my hair that was flying free with the wind. A few minutes later, a song or two having gone by, the good songs, the slow kind in which you dance with your date and look into his face while talking or laughing or both, so it hurt to be there alone, to watch people dancing and enjoying the company they were in.
It hit me right around then that I like him, that I have more than lukewarm feeling for him, which is something I don’t take lightly because with the way things are right now I don’t feel like I am at a place where I need a boy, so I had given up dating a while back, praying to God that He would send me someone when He was ready. Then, I asked Michael to formal and things snowballed from there, leaving me to wonder what it is I am supposed to feel.
So tears remained in my eyes the rest of the night. My heart feels heavy. All I want to do is fall asleep and sleep through the end of the semester, waking up just in time for summertime so I can work, attend more school, and hopefully work out daily, finding myself in better shape.
But as always there is more to the story because once again my big mouth opened and words came out before I was able to think them through, an occurrence which has been happening more often. Now I sit here, wanting to cry over that as well because its just not fair to me or to anyone else at all.
If I knew what to do about all this, life would be so much easier.
I am trying, though, to keep happy memories in the forefront of my mind. If I concentrate on the loveliness of meeting Tony Lucca and Tyler Hilton last night, maybe this will all disappear and I can float through the next few hours that are sure to try me. But concentrating on those memories makes me want to go back in time, to live in the few hours spent at the Gypsy Tea Room when life merely consisted of good people and even better music.
That’s not reality, though, which I need to realize. And some of the things going on right now aren’t reality either because reality is more then just the here and now; it is also what His plan is and where He wants me to go. Of course, I could easily accept that if I knew, without a doubt in my mind, where it is He wants me to go.
So I pray for guidance and more nights like earlier tonight and like last night because I need a bit more to keep me going through these rough times when I want to throw myself on the bed and cry.
How I hate what boys and crushes can do to you.