THIS NEW DIET IS LIQUID AND DULLING TO THE SENSES
To Anyone Who Cares:
I want to be happy. Truly happy. I don't mean the happy that is defined in the dictionary because that happy is only an average of how several people feel when they are supposedly happy. But me I want to be truly happy where I sit on cloud nine and remain there for as long as possible, never having to leave for any reason at all. As I know all too well, true happiness doesn't seem to exist because as beautiful as life is, we all live in a cruel world.
At times you can know what you want. Somehow you get ideas into your head and decide what it is you want. Then you wish on all the stars you see, even the glow-in-the dark plastic ones you have stuck on your wall. You squeeze your eyes shut and imagine everything you want coming true, hoping that if you imagine hard enough and long enough it will turn into a reality. You stare at the lucky bamboo your mom bought you, depending on the age-old tale that it will truly bring you luck. You pray because that's what you depend on, day in and day out. And eventually, you get what you want. You're hired to do a job; you receive a good grade on a test; you meet a boy. But as soon as you get what you want, you find yourself wanting something else or deciding that what you wanted is not what you needed. Either way, you go back to the beginning.
And all this wanting, having, not wanting seems to affect your happiness in a large magnitude even though you try to convince yourself that none of it matters. It leaves you exhausted as well, emotionally and physically and mentally exhausted, and it makes life that much harder because you know that you have to reach higher. Eventually it gets to the point where all you want to do is pull your hair out and let out a gut-wrenching scream, but you have to hold it all in and just push through because that is what is expected of you. Then, just when you know you can't take anymore, something happens.
You get sick, struck down with some sort of illness. It leaves you weak and tired and struggling to catch up with the neverending list of tasks you must complete. And after it all, you don't want to go back to living because there is so much to make up for. So you cancel work, knowing you will eventually have to make it up. Then you help a friend out, knowing that as big as your heart might be everyone else's seems to be smaller, and you call in sick once again to work. Of course the consequences are making it all up later on down the road, but with the way life is, you can't seem to take things all at once. For the first time in your life, you have to live day-by-day.
When that certain time of day strikes and you start thinking about all the things you have to do, you come to realize that you have something planned for every weekend for the next month, and you're excited because it finally feels like you're getting your life back. But then the worry sets in and you start thinking which is always a mistake because thinking leads to realizations that you are trying to hide from.
The result from all this is not true happiness because there are too many things to worry about than being happy. Once things are finally taken care of, or you simply give up, the thought of happiness seems so far away that you find yourself breaking down into tears and struggling to put the pieces of your scattered life back together.
But you'll never find all the pieces of your life because some pieces are too small for the naked eye to spot. So you leave youruself scattered all over the world, knowing tat people will step on top of you and crush you even more without realizing it. And that takes away a bit of happiness as well because it shows you just how grim the world appears at times.
So what's the point? Someone please tell me what the point is because I am getting sick of not knowing. I am so exhausted from constantly wondering about things and trying to reach my life goal of true happiness even though it is impossibly unattainable. And I am tired of all the things I have to do such as go to class when I just want to sleep and take a quiz when I just want to tear the paper into pieces and throw them in the professor's face and turn in a take-home test and attend an all too boring lab and work for three hours, trying to get people to donate money to the school which means I'll miss your favorite show.
It's just too much to take. And all I want is true happiness, even a mere glimpe at it would suffice right now.
Always,
Leslie- the girl with unattainable dreams