happy valentines day.....
there are times...when I need to write, to take the feelings and emotions from the space between my ears, and put them somewhere....I honestly can't explain why I feel the need to do this : / I mean, when I think about it, I realize that while typing this, all of the painful thoughts and feelings come rushing back so i can focus on them to place them here, and I end up feeling a little less worse when I'm done...but I do it because I want to be able to look back on these times....these times that I sit here in my room with the Ipod on shuffle, holding back tears that are there for many unknown reasons (I'm a pussy perhaps? lol), I want to be able to look back on these times with a big ass smile on my face....I want to come back, see what I wrote, and learn a lesson from myself that I couldn't have learned within that current situation...but in order to learn from what I'm feeling tonight, in order to look back on this and gain something from it, I must discuss...what it is I'm thinking about.
as of right now....it's valentines day. a stupid, fictional, greeting-card company created holiday designed for them to sell their retarded shit, candy, and an even bigger excuse for candy companies to take their same shit, shape it differently, wrap it in the wrong colors, and sell it for more than it would normally be, despite being the same actual product! what these companies have unknowingly done, though, is made a day that single people, like myself, often loathe and hate with a passion because it's a day specifically designed for couples that are happy together, to take their happiness out from between themselves, load it into automatic weapons, and fire it onto hapless single people like myself that happen to wander into the vicinity...inflicting great pain and jealousy to those of us flying solo on this stupid fictional holiday...and it's funny because I once again find myself single on this momentous occasion of "couple celebrating", but in all honesty....that's perfectly fine! me being single, has NOTHING to do with how I feel right now...well, I take that back, it has something to do with it because....well if things were how I'd like them, I'd be discusssing this with someone who felt the same way I did, and we'd laugh, express our undying love, then hang up the phone and dream of each other....but since I haven't been THAT romantic with anyone in quite a while, I'll have to settle for...typing out my bitterness on the internet : / I grow tired....so god damn tired of this perpetual trend of disappointment that people seem to be following. I see myself growing more and more antisocial as the days go on, reverting back to the person I used to be....flakiness, lies, being shallow, cheating.....it's all a part of this big immature game everyone's playing, and I seem to be the only one playing this game with some sort of rules to live by..some sort of moral standard. Yet for some odd reason, I'm continually crapped on, used....constantly being asked for favors, driving places, doing things, only to realize that in the end, I'm right back where I started...now why not just let it all go? because as some wise person once told me "James....people aren't worth the time. you'll end up constantly getting hurt, and disappointed no matter how hard you try." But there's a reason why I consistently stick my neck out....why I find myself disappointed on valentines day after being bailed on yet again, why I do nice things for people who I know will leave as soon as is convenient, why I sit here knowing that I could easily let this all go by simply giving the finger to everyone.....I do it for hope. plain and simple. I do it because I hope every day of my life that things will change; that this mundane lifestyle of getting crapped on and used will eventually lead to someone seeing it for what it is....because I've been in the place before. that place where someone DOES appreciate all there is to a person...where someone sees you and wants you physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've experienced it before, and although I'm under the impression that I should wait quite a while to experience something like that again, I'd at least like to find a person that wants me enough to appreciate what I do....lol that's it! so for valentines day today, all I'll be doing is thinking of myself....I'm gonna sleep in, eat a lot, go to the mall and buy myself a hat by myself, and then work my ass off for the stupid couples....all while maintaining my friendly attitude, and being as nice as I possibly can....because I know eventually; no, I HOPE that eventually someone will come along.....and things will go as planned, and if not as planned, better than expected : /
as of right now....it's valentines day. a stupid, fictional, greeting-card company created holiday designed for them to sell their retarded shit, candy, and an even bigger excuse for candy companies to take their same shit, shape it differently, wrap it in the wrong colors, and sell it for more than it would normally be, despite being the same actual product! what these companies have unknowingly done, though, is made a day that single people, like myself, often loathe and hate with a passion because it's a day specifically designed for couples that are happy together, to take their happiness out from between themselves, load it into automatic weapons, and fire it onto hapless single people like myself that happen to wander into the vicinity...inflicting great pain and jealousy to those of us flying solo on this stupid fictional holiday...and it's funny because I once again find myself single on this momentous occasion of "couple celebrating", but in all honesty....that's perfectly fine! me being single, has NOTHING to do with how I feel right now...well, I take that back, it has something to do with it because....well if things were how I'd like them, I'd be discusssing this with someone who felt the same way I did, and we'd laugh, express our undying love, then hang up the phone and dream of each other....but since I haven't been THAT romantic with anyone in quite a while, I'll have to settle for...typing out my bitterness on the internet : / I grow tired....so god damn tired of this perpetual trend of disappointment that people seem to be following. I see myself growing more and more antisocial as the days go on, reverting back to the person I used to be....flakiness, lies, being shallow, cheating.....it's all a part of this big immature game everyone's playing, and I seem to be the only one playing this game with some sort of rules to live by..some sort of moral standard. Yet for some odd reason, I'm continually crapped on, used....constantly being asked for favors, driving places, doing things, only to realize that in the end, I'm right back where I started...now why not just let it all go? because as some wise person once told me "James....people aren't worth the time. you'll end up constantly getting hurt, and disappointed no matter how hard you try." But there's a reason why I consistently stick my neck out....why I find myself disappointed on valentines day after being bailed on yet again, why I do nice things for people who I know will leave as soon as is convenient, why I sit here knowing that I could easily let this all go by simply giving the finger to everyone.....I do it for hope. plain and simple. I do it because I hope every day of my life that things will change; that this mundane lifestyle of getting crapped on and used will eventually lead to someone seeing it for what it is....because I've been in the place before. that place where someone DOES appreciate all there is to a person...where someone sees you and wants you physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've experienced it before, and although I'm under the impression that I should wait quite a while to experience something like that again, I'd at least like to find a person that wants me enough to appreciate what I do....lol that's it! so for valentines day today, all I'll be doing is thinking of myself....I'm gonna sleep in, eat a lot, go to the mall and buy myself a hat by myself, and then work my ass off for the stupid couples....all while maintaining my friendly attitude, and being as nice as I possibly can....because I know eventually; no, I HOPE that eventually someone will come along.....and things will go as planned, and if not as planned, better than expected : /