Contemplation.
"[insert seemingly life affirming epiphany here] is what I'm going to do." I think this, tell myself this, tell someone else this. And then days later my idea, my PLAN, is challenged by some new whim. I feel like I am floundering. Grasping, but never grabbing. Flailing helplessly. And drowning.
Being in Taiwan has helped me grow in ways I didn't realize I needed to grow. But a lot of what I've felt here I wonder if I will be able to retain if I go home. When? I go home.
I want to go home.
But I don't want to go home. I had had a small hope that I would make a new home, but I didn't. And now I'm forced to come to terms. Because I know my time here will eventually come to an end I treat everything very similarly to how one might during a vacation. Can't buy too many new things because I only have the luggage that I came here with...I mean it's not like I'm setting up a home. Eventually all the things I buy have to fit on the plane with me...This is my thought. Something that could be fixed I will put up with because I think to myself, "it's only for a short while." And I'm frustrated by this fact. I wish I could think more permanently.
I, generally, really like who I am here. I'm a little bit more wild, a little bit more peaceful. The image of me working at Hot Topic doesn't seem strange to the people here. They actually believe this persona of rocker that I've grown into. How strange is that? To come from my background where I spent hours doing homework, worrying about homework,reading 2 or 3 books in one day, never went out, me to "What does Teacher want to be?" "Teacher wants to be a Rock Star." haha. So weird that that side of me has come out so strongly since leaving all my 'spectators' behind.
I'm afraid if I go back to school that I'm going to become that person again. And that makes me cry. Because I don't want to be sitting in my apartment alone anymore. But I'm alone here too, that's not different. It's just that I feel like it's okay to be alone here. It sucks sometimes, but it's okay (partially because of that 'temporary' state of mind).
I was looking at facebook photos and it struck me that all my photos are of things and places. And only a few photos have people in them. Because people aren't really a part of my memories. And that's...well, it hurts. And it's scary. Because I worry that all my future photos will continue on this way. Things. Places. Lonely 'self-portraits.'
I'm afraid to keep travelling because I worry that if I don't place down some roots I will never make friends. And I desperately long for a place to rest my heart.
But...the problem is me. I've travelled quite a bit and I know now that the feeling of "somewhere out there is something more" is not quite right. Growing up in a small town I always figured that a big city would have more people and certainly with a larger populace someone would fit with me. But...I've been nearly around the world and I know that there is something special in having people who understand where/how you grew up. Having people know what on earth you're talking about when you mention things you think of as intrinsic memories to your being. The Creek, "Gorillas," my mouth piece stuck to my lips, shovelling snow, power outages (I was talking to a guy from the Netherlands and he thought power outages sounded quite romantic--in the historical/idealizing sense of the word; not the boy/girl sense--he had never really heard of it happening before), cops and robbers...all those little things growing up that created you, it's nice to have someone who shares those.
I think I suffer from wanting some sort of connection that isn't actually possible. And this destroys my attempts at relationships (from friendship to 'more'), because when I don't feel that connection I, maybe, withdraw? feeling that it's useless to continue. And i worry for my future, because this feeling of disconnect, that's the kind of feeling that leads people to doing stupid things...I don't feel particularly depressed right now, merely thoughtful, but I have at times felt quite messed up and I worry. It makes me afraid for my future.
And back to the beginning. I feel like if I had a plan, a goal, I would feel more stable. Stronger. A little less scared. At the very least I would be like, "I have to do this first. Then I can do something stupid." You know?
In fourth grade-ish I wrote myself a 'bucket list' (long before the movie, before I even knew what it really was). And I've actually crossed things off of it. It's made me realize how obtainable dreams are if you know what they are. I guess I'm pretty stubborn and when I know what I want I make it happen. I just wish I knew what I wanted.