I need a vacation.
I am way overly stressed. I have so much on my mind and so much going on it's like I am ready to explode. I am not sleeping again. I ruined my schedule. Work keeps switching my hours around and I have to make time to deal with all my bull shit, write down everything for my business and piece that all together, find time for my dogs, family, my friends are going through a hard time so I am pushing to spend quality time with them, my mother has been craving my attention, looking for another job as well, stressing out over paying out the bills I need to pay, I need a vacation. I need to get away, get some sleep, get my mind off of everything so I can focus, and get away from that crazy fucked up workplace of mine.
Over all, I had a decent evening. It all started with yesterday. I spent my night after work rushing around getting everything while making time for Mike, Keyci, my mother, Rob and his friends then eventually getting to Michelle's to paint out some of my frustration. I was just getting home from work and I was on the phone with Michelle when I saw Mike and Keyci in my driveway. Both of which I haven't talked too much with lately. I was getting off the phone when it slipped. I said I love you to Michelle and it hit me as soon as I said it and used one of those famous lines of, "oh, uhm, not you, I mean, gotta go, bye." and hung up instantly. I began to panic when I hung up the phone and went through a total 'FUCK!' moment.
When I finally got to Michelle's we started painting. I painted some fucked up tornado thing which to this moment I am not very proud of. Michelle liked it so I told her to keep it. I noticed that I almost have a better day when the Michelles are fighting. I guess that's what love does huh? Makes you jealous and pissed off when they are happy with someone else. We talked about my ex when we were painting and she told me I was still attached. In all reality, I blame a lot of my frustrations on Rachel because I can't blame them on Michelle. I am frustrated more over not being able to change a thing to make her happy than I am over my ex being a copy cat. I use my ex as almost like a scapegoat. She is always the easiest to get pissed at. When I was painting I wrote something in the cityscape that takes a while to catch. It read, "I hate you." I left it with Michelle. It isn't that I hate her, it is that I hate myself. Not as in who I am but I am so frustrated deep down because I let someone in and they tripped me. It's like I never thought in a million years that someone would make me fall so hard. I know she definitely didn't try but nothing helps it either. I can't leave or I get way too over emotional, I become a complete bitch and I think and talk about her constantly. I can't stay because I cannot stand to see her happy with her girlfriend even though her happiness is what I wish for her.
The conversation we had as the sun was coming up made me think a lot. Mostly about the reasons she is with Michelle. I am starting to see it. It is like my mother told Keyci. She doesn't see herself as good enough. She told me that Michelle was the first person to really pay attention to her at least 15% of the time and that she tells her that she is perfect. It sounds like what I tell her which makes me understand why she thinks I am like her girlfriend. There is so much I have learned from watching her girlfriend though that makes me vow to NEVER treat her anything like that. She told me that she was going to catch me in a lie. Truth is, the only thing I lie about to her is what is not said at all. It is that I am hiding a huge part of me from her because I can't express it. I wont lie to her. I haven't yet and I out right refuse to. I want her to trust me. The only way she can ever trust me is for me to be honest with her and I am.
We went out today for lunch/dinner. Her girlfriend called and was yelling at her. She went outside to not cause a scene in the restaurant. I don't blame her. I thought to myself while she was outside, "I would never call her and yell at her like that. I prefer to wait until she was home, ask her about it in a calm manner and listen to her. If I thought it was wrong I would express my opinion in an open conversation and explain why I was upset and why I disagree. I don't need to raise my voice to get my point across. Fighting is a waste of my energy." I am way too laid back for my own good. I hate the drama bull shit.
I was tired today, however. I didn't sleep much. I slept on Michelle's couch for a half hour or so before I had to leave for work. I only worked 2 hours today which was a complete and utter waste of my precious time. I did go out with Ashley after work for some coffee. We brain stormed some ideas for my business. It felt good to get something in writing finally. I also managed to talk to Elisha for a couple minutes online before Ben and Ashley got into a fight. They will sort things out. Ashley just needs sleep. I think she needs a vacation like I do. Anyway, I have to get some rest. I work tomorrow and I am running on like four hours of sleep.
Over all, I had a decent evening. It all started with yesterday. I spent my night after work rushing around getting everything while making time for Mike, Keyci, my mother, Rob and his friends then eventually getting to Michelle's to paint out some of my frustration. I was just getting home from work and I was on the phone with Michelle when I saw Mike and Keyci in my driveway. Both of which I haven't talked too much with lately. I was getting off the phone when it slipped. I said I love you to Michelle and it hit me as soon as I said it and used one of those famous lines of, "oh, uhm, not you, I mean, gotta go, bye." and hung up instantly. I began to panic when I hung up the phone and went through a total 'FUCK!' moment.
When I finally got to Michelle's we started painting. I painted some fucked up tornado thing which to this moment I am not very proud of. Michelle liked it so I told her to keep it. I noticed that I almost have a better day when the Michelles are fighting. I guess that's what love does huh? Makes you jealous and pissed off when they are happy with someone else. We talked about my ex when we were painting and she told me I was still attached. In all reality, I blame a lot of my frustrations on Rachel because I can't blame them on Michelle. I am frustrated more over not being able to change a thing to make her happy than I am over my ex being a copy cat. I use my ex as almost like a scapegoat. She is always the easiest to get pissed at. When I was painting I wrote something in the cityscape that takes a while to catch. It read, "I hate you." I left it with Michelle. It isn't that I hate her, it is that I hate myself. Not as in who I am but I am so frustrated deep down because I let someone in and they tripped me. It's like I never thought in a million years that someone would make me fall so hard. I know she definitely didn't try but nothing helps it either. I can't leave or I get way too over emotional, I become a complete bitch and I think and talk about her constantly. I can't stay because I cannot stand to see her happy with her girlfriend even though her happiness is what I wish for her.
The conversation we had as the sun was coming up made me think a lot. Mostly about the reasons she is with Michelle. I am starting to see it. It is like my mother told Keyci. She doesn't see herself as good enough. She told me that Michelle was the first person to really pay attention to her at least 15% of the time and that she tells her that she is perfect. It sounds like what I tell her which makes me understand why she thinks I am like her girlfriend. There is so much I have learned from watching her girlfriend though that makes me vow to NEVER treat her anything like that. She told me that she was going to catch me in a lie. Truth is, the only thing I lie about to her is what is not said at all. It is that I am hiding a huge part of me from her because I can't express it. I wont lie to her. I haven't yet and I out right refuse to. I want her to trust me. The only way she can ever trust me is for me to be honest with her and I am.
We went out today for lunch/dinner. Her girlfriend called and was yelling at her. She went outside to not cause a scene in the restaurant. I don't blame her. I thought to myself while she was outside, "I would never call her and yell at her like that. I prefer to wait until she was home, ask her about it in a calm manner and listen to her. If I thought it was wrong I would express my opinion in an open conversation and explain why I was upset and why I disagree. I don't need to raise my voice to get my point across. Fighting is a waste of my energy." I am way too laid back for my own good. I hate the drama bull shit.
I was tired today, however. I didn't sleep much. I slept on Michelle's couch for a half hour or so before I had to leave for work. I only worked 2 hours today which was a complete and utter waste of my precious time. I did go out with Ashley after work for some coffee. We brain stormed some ideas for my business. It felt good to get something in writing finally. I also managed to talk to Elisha for a couple minutes online before Ben and Ashley got into a fight. They will sort things out. Ashley just needs sleep. I think she needs a vacation like I do. Anyway, I have to get some rest. I work tomorrow and I am running on like four hours of sleep.