Here's to "Life and Times"
I haven't come here for quite a while. When I began tapping each key into this electronic diary, I thought it was a place I would come for comfort and to pour out things I was coming to realize. But now, this is a place I avoid because I worry what I will stumble upon here, what thoughts I might return with as I rummage through my daily chaotic routine in my mind.
I haven't exactly come here to start over, because I know that I will just end up leaving for a while once again, only returning to write random nothings while I avoid anything with real purpose. I know that I have only ended up here again because of an entry made by an old friend. We went to high school together, not to mention middle school. At one time, we were best friends - inseparable. I would ride my bike to his house after school almost every day. After a while, things changed and we found our own way towards other friends and cliques. But once again, we found ourselves sitting in a class together - one that I am sure was a favorite for us both. We said a few passing words, some jokes, even hung out again a couple times. Inevitably, we graduated and left for our own paths. He was going to college, I was becoming a Marine.
Months later and we both have something to write, something telling of plans gone awry. I read his perfect explanations of his experiences thus far, noting his great skill for writing (something he has always possessed). He wrote about a new favorite teacher, a lost potential romance, and a confusing outlook on his future or his circumstances. There he is, in college. He did what we've always been told would lead to our ultimate success and happiness. He is there, struggling to make the grade (though he was always a great student), struggling to make the money (though he was promised financial aid), and stuggling to make up his mind. His thoughts and his writing just made me come to terms with the fact that I am not exactly where I planned on being and I am equally confused. Though I have had great things happen to me recently, there have also been some not-so-great ones in there.
Instead of being in boot camp, I am here in Citrus County. I was screwed over and now I need to start new plans. I start training for a job this week that I hope will, if nothing else, help me along the way to get out of here. I am looking for a second job in the meantime. I am engaged. But he wants to join the Marine Corps as soon as possible. I have no license or car. I need money for both. We live with his parents and need to move out in a month. I have no idea where we will go and how (if he leaves for the Marine Corps) I will be able to support myself alone. I am not where I wanted to be, but I am struggling to get somewhere. I have no idea what my new destination is because it's hard enough to figure out where I need to be at the end of each day, let alone the end of this road. I got lost somewhere and I have no idea where this route is leading me. I wonder if I will be one of those people who wishes for their entire lives that they'd taken the other direction. I don't know what to do from here but take it day by day. I know leaping ahead and trying to make plans isn't going to work in these circumstances, but I worry that with each day, I get further from being something...
I am tired of feeling like I am a sorry little teenager thrown into the world, another typical kid with nowhere to go and no real direction. I don't want to feel like another number, a punch-card reaction to a set of circumstances. My feelings are valid, they are real, they are substancial...and I don't know where to go from here...
I haven't exactly come here to start over, because I know that I will just end up leaving for a while once again, only returning to write random nothings while I avoid anything with real purpose. I know that I have only ended up here again because of an entry made by an old friend. We went to high school together, not to mention middle school. At one time, we were best friends - inseparable. I would ride my bike to his house after school almost every day. After a while, things changed and we found our own way towards other friends and cliques. But once again, we found ourselves sitting in a class together - one that I am sure was a favorite for us both. We said a few passing words, some jokes, even hung out again a couple times. Inevitably, we graduated and left for our own paths. He was going to college, I was becoming a Marine.
Months later and we both have something to write, something telling of plans gone awry. I read his perfect explanations of his experiences thus far, noting his great skill for writing (something he has always possessed). He wrote about a new favorite teacher, a lost potential romance, and a confusing outlook on his future or his circumstances. There he is, in college. He did what we've always been told would lead to our ultimate success and happiness. He is there, struggling to make the grade (though he was always a great student), struggling to make the money (though he was promised financial aid), and stuggling to make up his mind. His thoughts and his writing just made me come to terms with the fact that I am not exactly where I planned on being and I am equally confused. Though I have had great things happen to me recently, there have also been some not-so-great ones in there.
Instead of being in boot camp, I am here in Citrus County. I was screwed over and now I need to start new plans. I start training for a job this week that I hope will, if nothing else, help me along the way to get out of here. I am looking for a second job in the meantime. I am engaged. But he wants to join the Marine Corps as soon as possible. I have no license or car. I need money for both. We live with his parents and need to move out in a month. I have no idea where we will go and how (if he leaves for the Marine Corps) I will be able to support myself alone. I am not where I wanted to be, but I am struggling to get somewhere. I have no idea what my new destination is because it's hard enough to figure out where I need to be at the end of each day, let alone the end of this road. I got lost somewhere and I have no idea where this route is leading me. I wonder if I will be one of those people who wishes for their entire lives that they'd taken the other direction. I don't know what to do from here but take it day by day. I know leaping ahead and trying to make plans isn't going to work in these circumstances, but I worry that with each day, I get further from being something...
I am tired of feeling like I am a sorry little teenager thrown into the world, another typical kid with nowhere to go and no real direction. I don't want to feel like another number, a punch-card reaction to a set of circumstances. My feelings are valid, they are real, they are substancial...and I don't know where to go from here...