(no subject)
ok to finish off yesterdays entry.. *i was interrupted by a phone call and was too tired to finish*. i dunno...i'm a little lost. i feel like i'm in some kind of limbo where i've pretty much come to terms that not all friendships last, which is sad but true... what can you do you know? i've got the most wonderful person by my side now, and i feel with him i can get through anything and do anything. life has been good no doubt, i have more cash then i've ever had, which still isnt a lot but it is nice to feel like i'm *rich*. i doubt that i'm the only person who is feeling the hs truely melting away. i've already finished 2 years of college, and now there's 2 more to go. surely the next 2 years will fly by just as fast as the first 2 did and that's what really scares me. i'm going to be in a position where what i do for the rest of my life, in terms of work, will determine my style of living, where i live, how i can care for my aging parents. now i wonder if i worked hard enough the first 2 years, and really made use of the money that my parents are pouring down the toilet known as umass amherst. what if what i'm studying isnt really what i want to do. its a childs dream that i'm trying to fulfill here.. i really wonder if its for me. i cant even imagine myself living in my own apt, paying my own bills and managing the headache that is real life. i like college life, where mom and dad still pay for you and you can choose to study. what's life gonna be like once i'm done... who will i be with, will i be happy? or will i have a job where everyday i go in looking at the clock wishing that it was already 5 and i was on my way home.
religion: non existant. there is no such part of my life anymore, or rather it isnt significant whatsoever. i still think of god and wonder if he's looking down at me and shaking his head wondering what happened to me, but for now i feel like i control what's going on. cocky feeling, i agree.
family: my brother is just growing at an incredible rate. i'd like to know if i'm still a big part of his life or rather just a person that comes around now and then. that's kinda sad to me. but i've tried to spend time with him and that's all i can do. things with my dad have gone as smoothly as possible these days, played tennis with him and took him out to lunch, that seemed to keep him happy. my mom.. seems stressed out but is trying to keep a smile, i feel like she's holding something inside of her that's really hurting her but i dont really know how to get it out of her. sigh...
i've decided that i'm a very emotional person, i used to deceive myself thinking that i was strong and not emotional like others, but i am. if not more so. i'm so sensitive about everything, and i think it wears into chris. it's just that, well.. i've never had a serious relationship with anyone and i'm definitely more sensitive to things he says or does. i know it irritates him to some extent, i guess i'll have to make more of an effort to be stronger or something. its strange when one person can become your entire world. strange to understand how people feel when they say that they'd do anything for someone, and to truely mean "i just want you to be happy". i've never wanted to give more, to love more, to feel more for someone. with him i can see how god damn selfish i was before with other people and how inconsiderate i was, (sorry it took me so long.. i'm dense) and how ungrateful i was to what other people were doing for me. and let me say right now, thank you everyone who has helped me in any way, thank you so much and sorry you had to put up with my selfishness. i know that has lost me many things in the past but i'll try not to let it happen again.
having someone make your heart swell with happiness is the greatess feeling. he makes me smile with his touch, and to lay in bed held in his arms me know that i'm completely in love with him and that there's nothing more i'd want than to be with him as long as possible. for as long as i love him, and as long as he loves me. i'm not as fancy with words as other lj's i've read. but what i'm saying is truely heart felt, this is... the essence of what i feel. this is love, not puppy love, because i can see a future *no jinxes please!!! >_<* and it makes me happy to think about it. i could never understand the love thing until now, how people could lay down everything and open themselves up so wide, making themselves so vulnerable, i can see that if you dont do that... then you cant give yourself the chance you might need to be happy and really.. i guess feel. good lord i'm corny.
chris, you said in a conversation a long while ago before you moved here that you just wanted to give yourself a chance to be happy. i hope you're happy here, because i know that i couldnt be happier with you here with me. heh.. i'm getting teary eyed thinking about it. you've given me more than i could ever repay you for. thank you so much. i love you with all my heart.
for now, my brain has stopped reeling so i'm going to put myself to sleep. it feels good to put thoughts into writing.
goodnight.
religion: non existant. there is no such part of my life anymore, or rather it isnt significant whatsoever. i still think of god and wonder if he's looking down at me and shaking his head wondering what happened to me, but for now i feel like i control what's going on. cocky feeling, i agree.
family: my brother is just growing at an incredible rate. i'd like to know if i'm still a big part of his life or rather just a person that comes around now and then. that's kinda sad to me. but i've tried to spend time with him and that's all i can do. things with my dad have gone as smoothly as possible these days, played tennis with him and took him out to lunch, that seemed to keep him happy. my mom.. seems stressed out but is trying to keep a smile, i feel like she's holding something inside of her that's really hurting her but i dont really know how to get it out of her. sigh...
i've decided that i'm a very emotional person, i used to deceive myself thinking that i was strong and not emotional like others, but i am. if not more so. i'm so sensitive about everything, and i think it wears into chris. it's just that, well.. i've never had a serious relationship with anyone and i'm definitely more sensitive to things he says or does. i know it irritates him to some extent, i guess i'll have to make more of an effort to be stronger or something. its strange when one person can become your entire world. strange to understand how people feel when they say that they'd do anything for someone, and to truely mean "i just want you to be happy". i've never wanted to give more, to love more, to feel more for someone. with him i can see how god damn selfish i was before with other people and how inconsiderate i was, (sorry it took me so long.. i'm dense) and how ungrateful i was to what other people were doing for me. and let me say right now, thank you everyone who has helped me in any way, thank you so much and sorry you had to put up with my selfishness. i know that has lost me many things in the past but i'll try not to let it happen again.
having someone make your heart swell with happiness is the greatess feeling. he makes me smile with his touch, and to lay in bed held in his arms me know that i'm completely in love with him and that there's nothing more i'd want than to be with him as long as possible. for as long as i love him, and as long as he loves me. i'm not as fancy with words as other lj's i've read. but what i'm saying is truely heart felt, this is... the essence of what i feel. this is love, not puppy love, because i can see a future *no jinxes please!!! >_<* and it makes me happy to think about it. i could never understand the love thing until now, how people could lay down everything and open themselves up so wide, making themselves so vulnerable, i can see that if you dont do that... then you cant give yourself the chance you might need to be happy and really.. i guess feel. good lord i'm corny.
chris, you said in a conversation a long while ago before you moved here that you just wanted to give yourself a chance to be happy. i hope you're happy here, because i know that i couldnt be happier with you here with me. heh.. i'm getting teary eyed thinking about it. you've given me more than i could ever repay you for. thank you so much. i love you with all my heart.
for now, my brain has stopped reeling so i'm going to put myself to sleep. it feels good to put thoughts into writing.
goodnight.