in response to being told to get over it.
im guessing by britney, in response to my writing about not understanding her...well, i suppose you can read it. if you want. its right before this one. scroll down. (a lot of this is a pointed response, so yeah.)
im not obsessing. and i am moving on.
i dont really think anyone can tell any other person how to deal with the things that depress or hurt or change them.
secondly, i really dont see how anyone can get off telling me what to do when they havent spent more than maybe a few hours with me since this happened.
also, im not throwing a pity party, but this does happen to be my journal, which is where i vent the things im upset about, so yeah, when i feel sad about the fact that im a bit heartbroken, i write about it here. you dont have to read it.
and im allowed to be hurt. im allowed to be sad. i loved him, i still do. and yeah, hes done. but im not exactly capable of simply shutting off my emotions, or even pretending to. because when you dont deal with the way that you feel it does nothing but create more stress and anger and just plain BAD SHIT. which is a major part of why he broke up with me.
because i didnt deal with a lot of shit that made me angry and it was there to add fuel to any little thing that he did that bothered me.
being angry all the time is something i dont want to be anymore.
so i vent. im being told that its healthy by people who i guess know their shit. so again, you dont have to read it. but i need to write it. and here is where i choose to.
britney, you hurt me almost as much as he did.
and i dont get why.
you were suppossed to be my friend.
and you bolted.
and lied to me.
and i dont have a problem with people not wanting to be around someone who does nothing but cry, but i havent been that person for weeks now.
and you werent there when I was so id like to know where you get off saying thats why youve distanced yourself from me now? i was there for you when you needed me. i checked on you. i asked if you were okay. i listened when you wanted to talk, and we did other shit when you didnt, i offered any help i could. becuase you were my friend. and thats what you do. youre there for the people you care about when they need you. without them asking you to be. and i didnt say anything to you about how i thought you staying angry, and in my opinion not fully dealing with your breakup, because its not my place to tell you how to deal. i could be wrong. you may be completely over the whole thing, but you get to deal your way. and i get to deal in mine.
the only thing being alone here has to do with josh is that i moved because i couldnt stay in clarksville. and that is a decision im happy with. he was the only reason i stayed as long as i did. and the only reason im not where i want to be is because being here is a pit stop to get back on my feet and be a grown up. and im alone because i dont know anyone here. i dont have a job yet and i simply dont know anyone in this city, so yeah, sometimes its depressing, but you know what, i call one of the people who stuck around to check on me when i was falling apart and they make it better. they make me laugh.
so please, dont tell me to "get over it" when pretty much the last time i saw you, you were so angry and rude to jared because of what happened in august that i told him he could leave even though i wanted him to stay because he was uncomfortable. im dealing. i want to be good. i want to really be better. and pretending i am isnt going to do it.
i have to be sad and depressed before i can be happy.
but im getting there.
the days are less sad as they go by, and i understand why josh broke up with me. i dont completely agree with it, because for me, love is something you fight for, but i get that i tore us down. It wasn’t all my fault but a lot of it was. and ive let go the hope that he will change his mind. but i cant let go of loving him. ever.
and im glad for that. hes changed my life in a big way.
and im allowed to be sad that he isnt my friend.
and im allowed to be sad that you arent.
i dont sit alone and cry about it anymore, because im better. ive moved on from that.
and i refuse to appologize for dealing with this in a way that works for me.
its not fair for you to say this is my fault, because it isnt.
the handful of people who were there to see all the comatose and horrible pity party fueled days(because there were quite a few), theyre still talking to me.
im not the person i was a few months ago. and i am so glad for that. im not angry like i was. it took loosing the person i loved for it to happen, but i can already see that im healthier for it. and when i am completely over josh, it will be even better.
you not being my friend is on you.
i will be okay with what ive got, and ill find more.
but i think its okay to be sad about loosing people i love.
and i think its okay to want them back.
and i think its healthy to want to try.
balls in your court, but im up for a game...