If I know about it, I won't play with anyone with a DADT policy or who does not have express permission to play with others. Too much opportunity for drama.
So my baselines is that at a minimum your partner(s) need to know that you are playing with other people.
Now the rest depends on the intensity of the play. The more intense/intimate the play, the more I need to have express permission, and not through the potential play partner, express direct permission. Otherwise, once again, too much potential for drama.
I have irritated one play partner when I went to their spouse and asked if it was acceptable because they felt it was that I did not trust them to be honest. I informed her that it wasn't an issue of trust, it was an issue of my own sake of mind, *I* have to know, so that if all goes bad that I performed with due diligence.
So basically, I'd prefer if a long term play partner SO knows who I am, how to get in contact of me, and the nature of the play. For a random light one-off, I'm far more willing to trust the play partner to be honest and forthwright.
>I have irritated one play partner when I went to their spouse and asked if >it was acceptable because they felt it was that I did not trust them to be >honest. I informed her that it wasn't an issue of trust, it was an issue of >my own sake of mind, *I* have to know, so that if all goes bad that I >performed with due diligence.
Did you tell them before you did it that you were going to ask their spouse?
>So basically, I'd prefer if a long term play partner SO knows who I am, >how to get in contact of me, and the nature of the play. For a random >light one-off, I'm far more willing to trust the play partner to be honest >and forthwright.
How do you handle it when the play partner really wants to be divorced from knowing what is going on? Do you feel that is a bad sign IE more likelyhood of drama?
Is there some optimium (for you) level of relationship you want with the play partners partner, IE someone you say hi too, vs. friend etc?
I believe I did, and she said okay, but had gotten grumpy about it. But I might be misremembering as it was a while ago.
But basically, as I've stated since, I don't play telephone. If it is possible I want to get at least express blanket permission to play from the playdate's partner. Once again, so that if it blows up, I know I didn't do anything stupid.
---
Depends on why. If they are uncomfortable with it, and aren't really okay with it, then it is drama. If the idea of BDSM squicks them, but they are otherwise okay with it, there's potential for drama but less.
Optimum? I'd probably go for at least a casual acquaintance. Someone that I can meet at a party and chat with idly. If they are trying to avoid me, or I them, then that is a bad sign™.
I have irritated one play partner when I went to their spouse and asked if it was acceptable because they felt it was that I did not trust them to be honest. I informed her that it wasn't an issue of trust, it was an issue of my own sake of mind
I'd call that distrust, but in my model of poly that kind of distrust is quite healthy - it keeps everybody honest. "Just play" is one thing, but I want anyone I'm serious about to meet geekchick ASAP. I'm happy to have partners "distrust" me in that way because, just as you say, it brings peace of mind.
You got me thinking about how much I trust play partners to be honest. I'm not as careful as with someone I want to date, but I do match the care to the seriousness of the play. I can be trusting at first because I start out fairly mild and only move up once I get to know them better.
If someone you were playing with came to me and asked me if it was okay, my first reaction would be confusion and wondering what it was that made them think that perhaps it wasn't, because that's just not something that I ever really think to do unless something feels "off" to me.
I agree that it would be unusual, but I wouldn't be upset or too surprised. anotherjen was a bit cautious because she'd been burned by people who lied about their poly status, and I'm sure she's not the only one.
Mine comes not from me getting burnt, but my wife getting burnt. And not just because the intentional play parter lied, but that there was a difference of opinion of what the term "Frazzle" meant. To the play partner it meant X, to the other partner it meant Y.
After seeing the stress, the tears, and the drama, I ask for permission from both parties directly. If it is to be a huge issue, that's fine, I won't play. Drama isn't usually worth hot play.
Sure. I'm not saying that people shouldn't do what they need to for their own peace of mind; I'm just saying that for me, being asked would be unexpected because it's not something I would do unless there was something in particular about the situation that was making me skittish. I can think of a couple of previous situations where I did think that perhaps a conversation might be in order, so I'm not saying it would *never* happen. I would be upset if someone I was getting involved with came to ask you if it was okay without talking to me about it first; that would feel to me very much like "I don't trust you to be truthful with me, so I'm going behind your back to check up on you". If potential-new-partner and I talk about it beforehand though, I think it would be fine.
I suppose in some ways this is how 'policy' comes in handy -- if one is always talking with partners of potential playpartners then it's not a value judgement on any given one's trustworthiness to do so.
I think I'm just *so* used to the stereotype (and reality, from friends' experiences) of men lying about their situation that I'm not surprised if someone wants to be sure. I think people want to check because of bad past experiences more than current suspicions, so I think checking would reflect on other peoples' behavior more than mine.
I can certainly understand being upset if your partner checks up on you behind you back, but I don't think I personally would be too bothered. My attitude is "I have nothing to hide, ask away."
If I know about it, I won't play with anyone with a DADT policy or who does not have express permission to play with others. Too much opportunity for drama.
So my baselines is that at a minimum your partner(s) need to know that you are playing with other people.
Now the rest depends on the intensity of the play. The more intense/intimate the play, the more I need to have express permission, and not through the potential play partner, express direct permission. Otherwise, once again, too much potential for drama.
I have irritated one play partner when I went to their spouse and asked if it was acceptable because they felt it was that I did not trust them to be honest. I informed her that it wasn't an issue of trust, it was an issue of my own sake of mind, *I* have to know, so that if all goes bad that I performed with due diligence.
So basically, I'd prefer if a long term play partner SO knows who I am, how to get in contact of me, and the nature of the play. For a random light one-off, I'm far more willing to trust the play partner to be honest and forthwright.
Reply
>I have irritated one play partner when I went to their spouse and asked if >it was acceptable because they felt it was that I did not trust them to be >honest. I informed her that it wasn't an issue of trust, it was an issue of >my own sake of mind, *I* have to know, so that if all goes bad that I >performed with due diligence.
Did you tell them before you did it that you were going to ask their spouse?
>So basically, I'd prefer if a long term play partner SO knows who I am, >how to get in contact of me, and the nature of the play. For a random >light one-off, I'm far more willing to trust the play partner to be honest >and forthwright.
How do you handle it when the play partner really wants to be divorced from knowing what is going on? Do you feel that is a bad sign IE more likelyhood of drama?
Is there some optimium (for you) level of relationship you want with the play partners partner, IE someone you say hi too, vs. friend etc?
Reply
But basically, as I've stated since, I don't play telephone. If it is possible I want to get at least express blanket permission to play from the playdate's partner. Once again, so that if it blows up, I know I didn't do anything stupid.
---
Depends on why. If they are uncomfortable with it, and aren't really okay with it, then it is drama. If the idea of BDSM squicks them, but they are otherwise okay with it, there's potential for drama but less.
Optimum? I'd probably go for at least a casual acquaintance. Someone that I can meet at a party and chat with idly. If they are trying to avoid me, or I them, then that is a bad sign™.
Reply
I'd call that distrust, but in my model of poly that kind of distrust is quite healthy - it keeps everybody honest. "Just play" is one thing, but I want anyone I'm serious about to meet geekchick ASAP. I'm happy to have partners "distrust" me in that way because, just as you say, it brings peace of mind.
You got me thinking about how much I trust play partners to be honest. I'm not as careful as with someone I want to date, but I do match the care to the seriousness of the play. I can be trusting at first because I start out fairly mild and only move up once I get to know them better.
Reply
Reply
Reply
After seeing the stress, the tears, and the drama, I ask for permission from both parties directly. If it is to be a huge issue, that's fine, I won't play. Drama isn't usually worth hot play.
Reply
Was the play partner aware of the difference going in, or did it only come out later?
Drama isn't usually worth hot play.
Amen brother! I'd go even further, myself. Me no likey drama!
Reply
Reply
Reply
I can certainly understand being upset if your partner checks up on you behind you back, but I don't think I personally would be too bothered. My attitude is "I have nothing to hide, ask away."
Reply
Leave a comment