(no subject)
so i am finally at college 3 weeks, and let me tell you... its not at all what i thought it would be. I thought college was about drinking, partying, meeting new people, having fun, laughing... i mean yea ive done all of those, but i feel all alone. I mean yea i have my roommate kristin, but like... grrr... i dunno. Shes perfect. Like everything that I wanna be is what kristin already is. Shes gorgeous, shes smart, funny, skinny, shes literally everything that i strive to be and more. it makes me... i dunno... i guess sad would be the word, whenever a guy comes to visit and instead of talking to me they just ask me where kristin is. everyone is always saying how beautiful she is. and whenever i walk into a room with her im like some ghost. im literally nonexistant. it realy hurts. andi know i shouldnt care what people think about how i look, but they wont even give me a chance to show who i am on the inside. i feel like everybody wants kristin and nobody cares about me. i was talking about this today to britt, michelle, and carla, and i think they felt for me. i mean i was so upset that i was crying. this really hurts. its like unexplainable. i know i am a good person, but i dont think anybody sees it. Most of the girls over here are sorta hard to deal with. they are all supermodel type girls who know that they are hot shit and everyone who isnt as good as they are doesnt matter. The guys over here are like hot abercrombie models who are only into the supermodels. i feel as if i dont fit in. im used to fitting in everywher but here i dont seem to belong anywhere. a couple of minutes ago this kid bubba stopped by to show me his drawing of a koi. oh my god it was amazing! it had depth to it and amazing shading (those of you back home know how i am with my art). bubbas a really nice guy, really cute too. i think people have the wrong impression of him tho. some people seem to view him sorta skewed and one sided. i dunno maybe im so good at seeing things in people that others often miss. speaking of missing... i miss my home. everyone there knows me for who i am. they see the real me. now if people here would let me show them the real me. sometimes i wish i wasnt in college anymore. i know i need it to be sucessful, but it makes me sooo sad. i absolutely hate it. I want to be seen as me, but its not happening. I wish i was happy. its just so hard being happy in a place like this. im so alone and i have nobody to talk to that understands me. i really could use a hug. actually what i could use is somebody who understands me... someone to talk to... maybe if i had that i wouldnt feel so alone.