Dear Santa..
Dear Santa (a.k.a. insipid fat dude in the red velour tracksuit that keeps breaking into my house and not leaving the right shit, while stealing my very nummy cookies and then peeing in the pointsetta's just to be that much more of a complete dick),
Santa, I understand we have had a rocky relationship these past 27 years since I discovered that your existance was in question. However, despite this fact, I have continued to write to you, and you, in turn, have completely ignored my many requests. Yet, despite my many maniacal missives, you seem to harbor some sort of resentment and thus ignore my intreaties.
I know you are jealous of my magnificance, that you are envious of the fact I am not surrounded by two foot tall genderless elves, and of my oppurtunities to eat something other than sugar cookies. Yet these are not my fault, I am sorry you are stuck in the north pole while you would rather be giving the pole to some under-age human beings cause you are that sick and twisted you malformed excuse of a rancid pimple. Don't blame me that you are unable to succumb to your ancient greek desires. I know I am awesome, and that you hate that. But the whole point of your existance is to give people what they ask for, and if I asked for a fat load of crap then you would have been living up to your end of the obligation.
I have lived up to my end, you haven't. I have continued to be a good Nix, and you have continued to be a complete wanker. It is not my fault that red velvet with white fur cuffs is out of style with anyone that is not a pimp. It is not my fault that when an elephant walks past you it says 'my gawd, what a fat ass, he looks like three tons of acne crammed into one ton of flatulent ass!'. It is not my fault that when you step towards the sleigh the reindeer all shudder and wish to feel the sweet relief of a rifle shot. I'm not the one that first said you were a fat-ass, that was Mrs. Claus as you attempted, and failed, to monkey hump her.
Have you thought of simply not being a pathetic waste of space?
It might be possible afterall, heck, anything is possible. So, while we are in this Shangri-la where you do not lick the sweat off of a dead mans taint, you can also stop being a complete jack-off. Now that you have stopped being a brainless heap of fat in your imagination, do so in reality. Now that you have stopped being an utter waste of your fathers spooge, you can drop off what I want this year for Christmas.
This year, as in years prior, I want a hot, kinky, geeky chick to do dirty, naughty, kinky, and geeky things with. At the end of the letter will be a list of acceptable choices from which to choose the lucky lady that gets to boink the Nix on a regular basis. Please have her dressed in a schoolgirl outfit, and have her arrive with a wide spectrum of bondage gear and fetish wear. If those on the list are not available, please deliver one that is similer in features to one on the list and have her either have a French, Russian, or Japanese accent. British is acceptable, as long as it is of the upper crust.
This request is perfectly reasonable if you are able to remove your lard laden head from your blubber encased ass, you sniveling and pathetic excuse of an over-weight hippo. If you can put aside you petty jealousy, for once, you could actually deliver what I would like for Christmas, for once.
I hope that you and yours have wonderful holiday season, and that Mrs. Claus allows you to wallow up and attempt to mount her, giving you a night of passion (and by night I mean five minutes) and the elves a night of rest and peace from being fondling.
Your friend,
Nix
p.s. the list:
Heather Carolin
Dita Von Teese
Liz Vicious
Linda Park
Joan Chen
Morena Baccarin
Christina Hendricks (saffron era)
Emma Caulfield (anya era.. heck.. Anya would do great!!!)
Natalie Portman
that hot gothy chick I saw the other day
that hot asian chick I saw yesterday
ok... pretty much any hawt redheaded chick
Megan Fox.. wait.. she's legal right?
Either of the Olson Twins
Christina Ricci
Tania Saulnier
Elizabeth Banks
Brenda James (the skanky looking chick that the alien boinks in Slither)
Bridget Fonda
and.. umm...
heck.. that's plenty for your tubby ass to choose from
p.s.s. peace out bitch
Santa, I understand we have had a rocky relationship these past 27 years since I discovered that your existance was in question. However, despite this fact, I have continued to write to you, and you, in turn, have completely ignored my many requests. Yet, despite my many maniacal missives, you seem to harbor some sort of resentment and thus ignore my intreaties.
I know you are jealous of my magnificance, that you are envious of the fact I am not surrounded by two foot tall genderless elves, and of my oppurtunities to eat something other than sugar cookies. Yet these are not my fault, I am sorry you are stuck in the north pole while you would rather be giving the pole to some under-age human beings cause you are that sick and twisted you malformed excuse of a rancid pimple. Don't blame me that you are unable to succumb to your ancient greek desires. I know I am awesome, and that you hate that. But the whole point of your existance is to give people what they ask for, and if I asked for a fat load of crap then you would have been living up to your end of the obligation.
I have lived up to my end, you haven't. I have continued to be a good Nix, and you have continued to be a complete wanker. It is not my fault that red velvet with white fur cuffs is out of style with anyone that is not a pimp. It is not my fault that when an elephant walks past you it says 'my gawd, what a fat ass, he looks like three tons of acne crammed into one ton of flatulent ass!'. It is not my fault that when you step towards the sleigh the reindeer all shudder and wish to feel the sweet relief of a rifle shot. I'm not the one that first said you were a fat-ass, that was Mrs. Claus as you attempted, and failed, to monkey hump her.
Have you thought of simply not being a pathetic waste of space?
It might be possible afterall, heck, anything is possible. So, while we are in this Shangri-la where you do not lick the sweat off of a dead mans taint, you can also stop being a complete jack-off. Now that you have stopped being a brainless heap of fat in your imagination, do so in reality. Now that you have stopped being an utter waste of your fathers spooge, you can drop off what I want this year for Christmas.
This year, as in years prior, I want a hot, kinky, geeky chick to do dirty, naughty, kinky, and geeky things with. At the end of the letter will be a list of acceptable choices from which to choose the lucky lady that gets to boink the Nix on a regular basis. Please have her dressed in a schoolgirl outfit, and have her arrive with a wide spectrum of bondage gear and fetish wear. If those on the list are not available, please deliver one that is similer in features to one on the list and have her either have a French, Russian, or Japanese accent. British is acceptable, as long as it is of the upper crust.
This request is perfectly reasonable if you are able to remove your lard laden head from your blubber encased ass, you sniveling and pathetic excuse of an over-weight hippo. If you can put aside you petty jealousy, for once, you could actually deliver what I would like for Christmas, for once.
I hope that you and yours have wonderful holiday season, and that Mrs. Claus allows you to wallow up and attempt to mount her, giving you a night of passion (and by night I mean five minutes) and the elves a night of rest and peace from being fondling.
Your friend,
Nix
p.s. the list:
Heather Carolin
Dita Von Teese
Liz Vicious
Linda Park
Joan Chen
Morena Baccarin
Christina Hendricks (saffron era)
Emma Caulfield (anya era.. heck.. Anya would do great!!!)
Natalie Portman
that hot gothy chick I saw the other day
that hot asian chick I saw yesterday
ok... pretty much any hawt redheaded chick
Megan Fox.. wait.. she's legal right?
Either of the Olson Twins
Christina Ricci
Tania Saulnier
Elizabeth Banks
Brenda James (the skanky looking chick that the alien boinks in Slither)
Bridget Fonda
and.. umm...
heck.. that's plenty for your tubby ass to choose from
p.s.s. peace out bitch