Abandon feeling for just a piece of mind
I dunno what's up.
If I'm thinking about it I got a great and comfortable life. I got the best friends one can have, am an average (though real lazy.) pupil, can surf around in the intarbutt (almost) unlimited, don't need to help cleaning the house or cooking and can just lie around doing nothing. Nobody demands anything of me.
Still I'm not happy. To be honest I'm not sad either. More like... duh.
Something's missing. I know it. I just don't know what it is or what it's supposed to be. This emptyness - or maybe this feeling - eats away at me and I just want it to stop. I won't kill myself or something like that, that'd be plainly stupid, but this feeling makes everything just seem so pointless. Like anything I do isn't worth shit.
Like it's never enough.
It's not like I'd ever do much anyway.
This feeling isn't there because it's autumn or nearly winter. It's there the whole year, I just feel it the strongest when it's cold. But to get depressions in these seasons seems usual anyway.
When did it appear first? It wasn't there my whole life. I think it first showed up in September last year. Maybe October. Around these months I got to think about life a lot, why I still went to school, why I still turned on the PC, why I still stood up from my bed to enjoy my life.
In December everything stopped for a moment. Just for a moment. Then I realized why I still needed to do the things I do. Sometimes the answer fades away but it's there. It will always be.
I don't wanna whine about all this, bitch about how my life sucks, whine about how hard school is and how I hate my family. Because all this isn't true at all. I don't even feel anything by writing this. Neither am I sad nor do I feel released. I just want to write something, anything to express myself.
This is part of that feeling too. I can't express myself, especially not through feelings. I've never felt any overwhelming joy. I may laugh a lot if I'm around others, I may feel some warmth, but I'm never "overwhelmingly" happy. If something real good happens I just feel a slight feeling which one might take for joy.
Good (and bad) thing is I'm never real sad either. I can't be depressed if others like my friends tell me of their problems. I even didn't feel anything back in December when she took her life. I still don't. And this bothers me somehow.
I want this emptyness to get the fuck out. I want to feel real emotions. I would even accept to feel terrible, so terrible as to cry in some little dark corner, not being able to stop. Just to feel something.
And I know I can't.
Correction: I know what's up. I know how to solve all this too, somewhere. I just can't focus on it right now.
Poor LJ. Serves it's purpose well though XD
If I'm thinking about it I got a great and comfortable life. I got the best friends one can have, am an average (though real lazy.) pupil, can surf around in the intarbutt (almost) unlimited, don't need to help cleaning the house or cooking and can just lie around doing nothing. Nobody demands anything of me.
Still I'm not happy. To be honest I'm not sad either. More like... duh.
Something's missing. I know it. I just don't know what it is or what it's supposed to be. This emptyness - or maybe this feeling - eats away at me and I just want it to stop. I won't kill myself or something like that, that'd be plainly stupid, but this feeling makes everything just seem so pointless. Like anything I do isn't worth shit.
Like it's never enough.
It's not like I'd ever do much anyway.
This feeling isn't there because it's autumn or nearly winter. It's there the whole year, I just feel it the strongest when it's cold. But to get depressions in these seasons seems usual anyway.
When did it appear first? It wasn't there my whole life. I think it first showed up in September last year. Maybe October. Around these months I got to think about life a lot, why I still went to school, why I still turned on the PC, why I still stood up from my bed to enjoy my life.
In December everything stopped for a moment. Just for a moment. Then I realized why I still needed to do the things I do. Sometimes the answer fades away but it's there. It will always be.
I don't wanna whine about all this, bitch about how my life sucks, whine about how hard school is and how I hate my family. Because all this isn't true at all. I don't even feel anything by writing this. Neither am I sad nor do I feel released. I just want to write something, anything to express myself.
This is part of that feeling too. I can't express myself, especially not through feelings. I've never felt any overwhelming joy. I may laugh a lot if I'm around others, I may feel some warmth, but I'm never "overwhelmingly" happy. If something real good happens I just feel a slight feeling which one might take for joy.
Good (and bad) thing is I'm never real sad either. I can't be depressed if others like my friends tell me of their problems. I even didn't feel anything back in December when she took her life. I still don't. And this bothers me somehow.
I want this emptyness to get the fuck out. I want to feel real emotions. I would even accept to feel terrible, so terrible as to cry in some little dark corner, not being able to stop. Just to feel something.
And I know I can't.
Correction: I know what's up. I know how to solve all this too, somewhere. I just can't focus on it right now.
Poor LJ. Serves it's purpose well though XD