(no subject)
Going on day 3. I've already cried today. I woke up an hour or two ago, and I've been crying ever since. I have to work in an hour, and I am so afraid that I am going to cry again. I know Denise will ask me how my weekend was, and I'll say horrible, and she'll ask why, and I'll tell her, and then it will start. I know it. I am going to do everything I can to not do it. I'm going to do my best to stay busy and at 9 tonight when I would usually be coming home to tell him I love him and I hope he had a good day, I'll just go to sleep. I played out the next 2 weeks in my head last night as I was trying to sleep. It goes like this: Wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Any free time, I'm going to spend it sleeping. I'm not going to think about it or him. I'm not going to try to contact him like I've sorta been doing. If he realizes he made a mistake, I'll be here waiting. He knows where to find me. I just hope that he does realize that. I hope he realizes he needs me like I need him. We were made for each other. Just like we always said we were, we were. You never know what you've got 'til it's gone. I hope whoever is reading this knows that and takes advantage of what they've got. Don't take it for granted. Not anything. Not anyone. Because they might not always be there, no matter how many times they tell you they will. Don't mess up a good thing. Don't wish for something that you aren't fully prepared to handle if it comes true. And don't make a bet that you can't afford to lose. Never. Because one day you'll lose. And then what? Then you're me. And nobody wants to be me right now. Trust me on that one.
If he comes to me and tells me he needs me back like he's done before, I would ask no questions, he would be mine again. The fact that I can no longer call him mine is devastating. My heart is so broken, I feel so empty and alone, and I feel pathetic and ridiculous for saying all of this, but I can't help it. I need to get it out. I wish I could go back to Friday. I would fix everything. I would still have him. Things would be good. I would be okay. I would be happy. I wouldn't have spent my weekend bawling. That's all I did this weekend. I cried. I thought. And I cried some more. I want him so bad. I can't believe he's really gone. I can't believe that he's not coming back. He has to come back. I'm not me without him and he's not him without me. It's not how it is. It is NOT supposed to be like this. It's wrong. He fucked with fate. He did. And I'm paying for it.
I prayed last night and I don't even believe in God. I haven't prayed in years. I am desperate, I have no options. I can't just sit here and wait to find out if he's going to realize he needs me or if this is really for real. But that's what I have to do. And I could go on with my life, I could listen to happy music and talk about happy things and not mope around and not cry, but I would be lying to myself. I am not happy. I can't help but cry. This is who I am right now.
I'd give my soul.
If he comes to me and tells me he needs me back like he's done before, I would ask no questions, he would be mine again. The fact that I can no longer call him mine is devastating. My heart is so broken, I feel so empty and alone, and I feel pathetic and ridiculous for saying all of this, but I can't help it. I need to get it out. I wish I could go back to Friday. I would fix everything. I would still have him. Things would be good. I would be okay. I would be happy. I wouldn't have spent my weekend bawling. That's all I did this weekend. I cried. I thought. And I cried some more. I want him so bad. I can't believe he's really gone. I can't believe that he's not coming back. He has to come back. I'm not me without him and he's not him without me. It's not how it is. It is NOT supposed to be like this. It's wrong. He fucked with fate. He did. And I'm paying for it.
I prayed last night and I don't even believe in God. I haven't prayed in years. I am desperate, I have no options. I can't just sit here and wait to find out if he's going to realize he needs me or if this is really for real. But that's what I have to do. And I could go on with my life, I could listen to happy music and talk about happy things and not mope around and not cry, but I would be lying to myself. I am not happy. I can't help but cry. This is who I am right now.
I'd give my soul.