what can i really say...
So, I've had anxiety out the ass the last couple days. I swear my lung has been pulsating or my stomach is and making it feel like my lung. I went and talked to my priest yesterday, bc I forgot he was on my facebook and he saw sum things that I guess were disturbing. So, I think I got myself stuck going back to church. But, it just might be what I need. I've good at getting myself stuck in bad commitments, so I might as well get stuck in a good one. Ugh, I'm so confused. Jessica txted me and started being irrational and fighting with me over nothing and I was being so nice as she cussed me out. Then, all that shit happened and the next day she calls and apologized and still wants to be with me. Wtf... Now sonya wants to be with me, bc like, well who dosent like me. But, her man walked in on her licking alcohol off of me in their bed. Which was not good, he was super pissed and I guess he knew we like took a shower together n stuff. So, he left for work and hasn't been home since. So, I kind of feel like I have to be there now to replace him. I have a very bad problem. I always attract straight women and they end up leaving their boyfriend or husband for me. I think I need to just run away from everyone and everything. I get myself into situations when I drink and then when I'm sober it fuckin stresses me out and I'm like what was I fucking thinking. I mean really, where do I go from here. Do I just ignore everyone. I don't like telling people the real reason why I can't do this shit. I'm too fuckin weird. Um, yeah, I'm kind of gay, but its wrong to be gay... So, yeah. I really just wanna quit talking to people that try to help me, because I'm so sick of dissapointing people and after 6 yrs of not changing, why should I think I ever will. I would like to think I'm going to, but I don't even think I believe that myself. Damn, I was just lookin around my car and realized. I sumhow hot drunk passed out with a cigarette in my hand burnt a hole in my new car, broke my new glasses, fucked up my phone, lost my car keys, and trashed the fuck out of everything. I also hate waking up to that feeling, knowing I've destroyed everything I loved. I'm better off on heroine or meth or coke... At least on that shit I don't wake up and wonder what the fuck happened. But, I've been staying off that shit lately. Not sure how long, feels like forever, but I'm sure it hasn't been. I'm trying to take the drinking thing one day at a time. I didn't drink yesterday for the entire day. But, I'm feeling kind of weak right now. I'm considering takin just a few shots, its almost 4pm now n e way. Idk, I just can't drink so much at once. I'm normally ok when I drink alone, but I still wake up with all my shit broken sometimes. Maybe ill go for a drive to smoke then ill be too tired and just fall asleep when I get back. I am exhausted right now. But, I have shit to do and I might have the motivation to do it if I'm lit. But, I have to quit drinking and driving.... Its how my uncle died in a cop chase and I could see my fate being the same. Or I could end up going to jail if I don't kill myself doin it. Damn, I hope I quit drinking by the time I turn 21. Its been a constant battle for fuckin years and years. Anyway... Well see what happens. Maybe ill try praying instead... Pray that I just make it through today and worry abt tommorow when it happens.